How do you quit?

No, this is not more drama about the rink. This is about how young people move on from the intensity of training.

Even serious recreational skaters train at a level and in a way that is very different from other youth after school activities like student government, drama club or team sports. If you've been a competitor it's even harder, because you're also giving up prestige, and a great big chunk of your identity.

A reader asks:

How do you help your child leave the sport? Mine has started talking about it in a very calm way recently. I think she is concerned she will lose her identity and her friends, but she just does not have the same drive she used to and never seems happy to go to the rink anymore. I feel like I am taking her to some after school math session every day. Only this one is really expensive.

The organization Team up for Youth, studying girls in team sports found the following:

"While many girls play sports in their younger years, most drop out during adolescence. Why? Research shows that girls may face overt or subtle pressure from their peers and families to ‘feminize,’ or to take on responsibilities (e.g. studying, taking care of younger siblings) that prohibit their continued participation. One researcher describes adolescence as “a social and developmental Bermuda Triangle” in which girls “lose their assertive, energetic and ‘tomboyish’ personalities and become more deferential, self-critical and depressed.”* The girls who continue to play through adolescence and beyond are usually those who have developed an athlete identity. Being an athlete is a part of who they are. These are the girls who say, “I am a basketball player!” rather than, “I play basketball.” These are the girls who see sports participation as a non-negotiable.
(full pdf here)

 With girls in solo athletics like skating, tennis, skiing, et cetera, the change is even more fraught, because of the competing social scenes. People at school may barely be aware that the student is even an athlete. My own daughter tried to participate in after school activities in high school, only to be told that no absences would be tolerated for non-school sports. She eventually simply shifted her entire social identity to the rink, but other students may find that they feel pressure, either internally or externally to make the opposite choice.

Skating adds another dimension, because a lot of people don't consider it a sport, and/or don't consider recreational skating to be a worthy pasttime. Some equate recreational skating with failure. The single most-frequent question we would be asked when people found out my daughter was a skater was "oh, have you been to nationals?" This from people who had no way of knowing the answer was "yes." Society doesn't assume that every high school football player is going to the NFL, but this is a common misperception about figure skating--that it happens only at an elite level.

The thing is, there is very little downside to either choice. The tricky part is finding your way through the morass of emotion that is the adolescent, especially adolescent girls. As the reader asks, how do you support this decision?

I'll add a corollary as well--how do you support the decision to stay? This can be just as difficult, because of the social demands on adolescents, and because of the more demanding training as you increase your level.  There are issues as well even if the skater just wants to keep skating--there is a lot of contempt among some coaching staffs for kids who plateau, even the ones for whom that is a choice (adults get this a lot too).

I'm going to pull a page from the late great IceMom here, and throw this back to you. How do you help your skater make the choice to stay or to go, to improve or to plateau?

Bigger and better things

Every rink has its stars-- the girls twirling center ice, that all the little girls want to be like. The ones with the moms who seem to know what's going on. The ones with the "big" solos, and the "Good Luck at Regionals!" signs in the office window.

But a rink is a small world, with its own heirarchy. The girl who seems so amazing in your little corner of skating might or might not shine in a more competitive arena.

So how do you know--when does the 'switch' happen from local skater to bigger and better things? When do you go from one coach to an arsenal of coaches? Does your coach say something? Does your test or competition level have anything to do with it?

The easiest test is an honest assessment of your ability-- are you, in fact, the best skater at the rink? Are you winning or placing in competition? Do you have higher level and more consistent skills than the kids you are training with? If you are, if you're really the "best" skater at your rink, then you don't have anyone to live up to, or anyone nipping at your heels. This is not the best situation for a competitive skater.

We saw a huge jump in ability with our national dance team when they stopped training at home and started traveling to a rink where there were people better than them. Suddenly they couldn't rest on their laurels; they had to be as good as the people around them. If you're already better than the people around you, you need to find a more competitive environment, to give yourself something to push against.

There is no hard and fast rule about where this happens--as young as Pre-pre, as late as Senior. We recently had a mass exodus of Synchro skaters because they realized that our small program couldn't push them hard enough--they were already at the top of the heap. Some of them may be back; but some of them will find themselves skating better than they ever have.

If you are content, or even like, being the best in your rink, then good for you. You don't have to go anywhere.

Your coach is your coach

I got the raw end of a very bad situation yesterday, where a mother decided that I was not a child's "real" coach, and told two other coaches that her daughter did not have a regular coach (although she apparently DID tell them that she had "just done a couple of lessons with Xan"), as she arranged to have the child work with someone other than me (all unknown to me). Turns out this person "coached" the child when she was 2, so apparently that makes her the child's "real" coach. Since I had reserved a very desirable lesson time and had to turn away two students who wanted that time, and had just confirmed this with the mother, this came as quite a shock.

I walked into the rink and there was a friend of mine coming off the ice with my student. Further, the actual new coach apparently was out of town and rather than telling the mom, just stay with Xan for now, actually arranged for this third coach to work with the girl. Furthermore, they are now apparently getting ready for testing, which this mom had specifically told me she did not want to do. If she had, I would have told her I was not the right coach for her, because I don't take kids through testing.

I feel like the mother lied to me, by both commission and omission. Both those coaches should have called me first and they know it. My friend feels terrible. The other coach should know better. All of them basically defined me out of the picture to suit their own needs.

So, Skating Parents, listen up:

• If you have arranged more than a one-off with a coach, that person considers him or herself your coach.
• If you have asked for a regular skating time with a certain coach, that is your regular coach.
• If you worked with a certain coach years ago, that person is not your "real" coach. That is your "former" coach. The coach you are currently paying is your "current" coach and deserves the courtesy of being fired in person.

Every one in coaching has experienced the loss of a skater. We can deal with it. It happens all the time. But coaches are colleagues, and we need to be able to get along. If you want to change coaches, well, folks, MAN UP and tell the current coach what's going on. You cannot imagine how awful it feels to walk into a rink and see someone else with YOUR student, when this is the first you've heard of it.

Getting things to change

I'm a squeaky wheel, although my experience has been more that they keep letting the air out of me, than that I get greased.

I'm a big advocate of talking, asking, demanding, writing letters, and getting petitions going. I'm an inveterate writer-to-my-congresscritter. There is almost certainly an FBI file on me somewhere, not to mention a personnel file full of memos about what a troublemaker I am. It's important to let the powers-that-be know when you're dissatisfied. You have to do it gently, most of the time, and you have to be willing to bear the consequences of both the complaint and the change.

But you can complain, safely, and things can change. I hear about dissatisfaction from many parents, both at the rink and through this blog. I'm happy to be an outlet for the venting, but if you really want change, do it right.

Before you march into your skating director's office with guns blazing, here's some things to consider:

Is there really a problem? Think about the situation that you don't like. Try to step outside it and decide if it really requires systemic change. If you don't like the way practice ice is run, is it because it's run badly, or because you got annoyed one day and decided it was someone else's fault? (Harsh but true.)

Are you the problem? More home truths. You want the ice show changed, because your daughter is tired of being stuck at the same level. Is the problem that the ice show should be changed, or that your skater should work more effectively toward the goal of passing that level before the next ice show (i.e. more practice or additional lessons, which might mean giving up something else)?

How will the change that I am proposing affect the rest of the program? Will my solution create new problems? The problem you are experiencing may have been recognized and considered by the powers that be already. That thing you're complaining about may actually have been the solution to an entirely different problem. If you want your skater to be able to jump on moves ice, the kids working on moves are going to start doing moves on freestyle ice. Trust me, you don't want the Senior sustained edge step charging through the spin circle.

If you're sure that none of these apply to you, I still want you to keep that pistol holstered. Try these steps:

Talk to the people directly involved: Do you have an issue with the way a coach is running practice or class? Talk to the coach, not the skating director. Is the monitor favoring one skater over another? Go to the monitor, or the volunteer coordinator, first. Is your child not doing well at auditions? This is not the skating director's problem, or fault, or purview for that matter. This is probably the kid. Talk to her.

Talk to the skating director in private first, and explain your concern. Ask her what you can do to help alleviate the problem, and if any solutions have ever been proposed. You might find out that the current situation was the solution and that it used to be worse. Send her a note or an email afterwards thanking her for her time. If you're not satisfied, warn her that you'll be sending a letter, because you're still not comfortable with the situation.

Write a letter that clearly states the problem, and frame it in terms that benefit the entire program and not just your child. Express your desire to be part of the team that works for a new solution, and that you will accept the solution that the team decides on.

Ask other families to sign the letter. If they won't, take a step back and think about it. Either there isn't a big enough problem, or they don't like your solution.

Don't threaten to leave the program if your demand is not met. The response to threats, 100% of the time (in private anyway), will be, ok buh-bye! This is blackmail, and will instantly put the person you're trying to influence on the defensive, and take them forever out of your camp.

Don't expect instant change. There are needs and systems of which you are completely unaware. Many park district programs have insanely long lead times for changes to the program schedule. The one I work at requires changes TWO sessions ahead. So any class or date changes set in motion now will not show up until the spring 2011 book.

Don't expect any change. First, your proposal may not be realistic. Second, your proposal may have been tried and discarded. Third, the skating director may not like your proposal, and she has the final word.

Don't expect to be kept in the loop. You don't work there.

Finally, unless the safety of a child is at stake, do NOT contact the press, the alderman, the mayor, your sister-in-law's cousin who used to work for a U.S. Senator, or anyone else not involved. If you're just pissed that your kid didn't get a good solo in the ice show, or failed the FS7 test, well, my goodness, get a life. It ain't world peace we're talking about here.