Will my coach blackball me?

This really happened

A lower-level skater just switched from ISI (where she was very successful) to USFS. She’s pretty young, and a bit of a social butterfly,  unfocused in practice, and prone to blow-ups. At her first USFS competition, she had a bad experience, complete with tantrum. The coach dumped them a week later via text, telling the mom she was a terrible parent in the process, and to forget about USFS, the kid should stick with recreational forever. The kid came through like a champ—acknowledged the inappropriateness of her reaction, and pledged to practice more effectively in the future. She wants to keep skating, but the mom is afraid the coach will “blackball” them and no one will want to take her on.

What happened. What to do.

This is what the kid is like. 
Deal with it. Literally.

You don’t get to coach the type of kid you want. You get to coach the kid in front of you. If a coach has a child who can’t focus, who won’t listen, who wants to chat either with the coach or with her friends, it is the coach’s job to give that kid a meaningful lesson that diminishes and does not reward these behaviors. If she keeps doing it, it’s not because she’s unteachable. It’s because the coach isn’t teaching her. And if the coach can’t teach her, he needs to tell the parents honestly that it might be a bad match, and help the parent find a different coach. (Hahahaha, I'm the only coach I know who has ever done this.)

But she’s kind of like this outside the rink, too. 
Kids have a personal style and some kids are not naturally focused. That said, if it's interfering with school and extracurricular stuff, you need to address it. I like using mindfulness exercises-  ask the child to tell me what he’s planning to do. Ask him to describe what he did after he’s done it (both positive and negative actions). Ask his permission to talk to him. You’ll be amazed at the response when you say “I have a suggestion, may I share it?”.

Parents with supposedly difficult kids should also try watching other kids to reassure themselves that theirs is not that different.

Switching from ISI to USFS 
It’s a very different culture, no question about it. But in neither is the emphasis on winning. The emphasis in USFS is performance, the emphasis in ISI is experience. Coaches need to prepare kids for the difference.

Why did she come in last?
Who knows.

Who cares.

The better question is, did she meet her personal goal for the skate, why or why not, and what can she do to correct this. If she didn’t have a goal (other than “win” which is not a good goal), then why not? (I’ll tell you why not–bad coaching).

Other good questions: did he skate as well as he usually does; did he have as much content as other kids in the flight; did he have any missed or illegal moves? And really, the coach should have talked to the skater about all the possibilities. The parent and the coach should encourage the skater to talk about expectations and goals-- the goal can NEVER be to win, the goal is "land every jump," "have a personal best," "watch 25 programs" etc. You reach for the things in your control at this level. Jason Brown can have a goal of “win the world championships.” Your kid just needs to land the double salchow in competition.

Parental nightmare: the public meltdown, or, kill me now. 
Don't engage, don't criticize. Just tell her "you're really upset" (i.e. acknowledge the validity of her feelings without approving of them) and then remove her from the location. I used to tell my kids "you're not allowed to have a tantrum here, it's against the rules, let's find some place without that rule." I would wait until later to talk about the correlation between practice and accomplishment. Kids aren't rational when they're melting down.

Fired via text, with an extra helping of I’m a terrible parent 
So much wrong with this. First, for a coach drop a kid via text, or worse, by simply not coming to lessons (this happens) is beyond unprofessional. For a coach to blame your parenting (or even bring it up) also beyond the pale.  Complain to the skating director.

Should she stick with USFS. 
She should stick with the goal she has set. If it’s compete in USFS then yes. But a bad experience with a coach can really damage a child, especially if she’s been told or it’s been implied that it’s her fault. But if you don’t have a coach you can’t do competitions.  After a bad experience, I’d leave it be while looking for a new coach. You might have someone in mind, or you might try doing only classes, no privates, for one session of classes at your rink-- still have her practice, but switch her lessons to class-only. And take whatever classes are offered in your area, as many as 3-4 a week with different coaches. What you're looking for is a coach that your child really connects with. That's your new private coach. Don't worry about the coach's "credentials" for now. Young kids need a coach with a heart, not one with a resume.

Can I be the coach? 
No.

But you can help her learn how to work effectively on her own and in class.

Practice on her own should be set up with goals that she decides on herself. Every practice has a goal, even small silly ones "only talk to friends once while I'm on the ice" (make sure she has a funny thing to say to her friends so that they don't get mad at her, or make them a part of the pact); "only get off the ice twice," “Do every skill I know at least once”, “make up a sequence that uses every jump I know”; “try something new”. You get the idea. With my kids who have trouble focusing, I tell them one thing-- you have to stay on the ice and keep moving for 20 minutes. I don't care what they do with that time. They can skate in circles for all I care, the problem is not the skills, it's the attitude, so the thing to fix is the attitude.

One of the mindfulness exercises that I like is to announce your intentions or ask for help, i.e. at the beginning of class, have the skater tell the instructor "I'm hoping to pay really close attention today, can you help me with that" or make a skill-based request, “I want to land my loop today”. You get the idea. Again, she needs to lead this--if you set the goal or announce it for her, it's not going to be as effective.

And by the way don't talk about the practice or the competition on the way home in the car, unless the kid brings it up. Ask any former skater: this will be #1 on their list of things they hated the most.

The coach is going to blackball us. 
If he tries, again, it’s very unprofessional. And anyway, coaches need income, they're not going to care what this guy says. Blackballing is a myth at the lower levels. Further, coaches also have reputations. It's extremely likely that he's done it to others, too, and believe me every coach in the district knows it. Finally, gossiping, much less vilifying, students is in direct violation of PSA ethics so if something like this gets back to you, complain to your skating director and/or the PSA. 

At any rate, I'm not saying coaches don't talk about their students, but it's very rare to hear coaches really dumping on a kid.

It’s not about the Olympics 
At least, not yet. Right now it’s about using skating to give kids good experiences. Any coach who uses a bad experience, or a bad reaction to it, as an excuse to place blame is not a coach you want. Good riddance.

Do you have a horror story about a coach dumping you? What did you do?

Goodbye to the gag rule

In 2011, I stated that the Professional Skaters Association rules governing so-called "solicitation" were restraint of trade.  This did not make me popular at PSA seminars, where people in this insular industry could not be made to understand the singularity and bizarreness of the anti-soliciting rules.

Turns out the FTC agrees with me.

To review, the PSA had an anti-solicitation rule stating roughly that no PSA member coach can knowingly directly solicit another coach's student, or tamper with a coaching relationship either directly or indirectly. What this meant was that you could not approach a student who was already working with someone else. You had to be careful about talking to the parents and friends of someone else's student. If a student came to you privately about switching coaches, you were supposed to report this to the other coach if the student had not already done so.

Until a few years ago, when USFS and PSA colluded to impose membership on all coaches doing testing or competing, it wasn't even particularly enforceable, because if you weren't a member of PSA it didn't even apply to you. You could be as big a jerk as you wanted, and if you weren't a member, there was no one to report you to.

If you were a PSA member, it still didn't matter, because the unethical coaches ignored it, and the ethical coaches didn't need it.

There are all sorts of nuanced minefields to this. Kid's parent bragging in the stands? Better be prepared that you have told the parents that you do not encourage this. Got a talented kid in class? Don't praise them too much, either to the kid or the parent if someone else is their coach. Parents in arrears with fees? An "ethical" coach is supposed to refuse to take you until you pay up the prior coach. (Even if the other coach has actively encouraged parents to stay in arrears to keep them from leaving.) Kid in your class been taught incorrect technique on a skill? Careful how you tell the kid their technique is wrong-- that's tampering.

Coming from a business and music background, this sounded absolutely insane to me. Imagine if you had a contractor for your house that wasn't doing the job-- by the standards of this rule, if you went to someone else, they would be ethically required to report you to the guy who was messing up.

Further, it didn't stop unethical coaches, it was used to intimidate students and parents (I knew people who quit skating rather than have to tell a coach they wanted to switch) as well as less experienced coaches and made the whole coach switching thing a nightmarish balancing act.

At the urging of the FTC in another industry, the rules have been changed. It is now only considered statutorily (by PSA statute) unethical to solicit a student actively engaged in competition or a test session. I would call this the "don't be an asshole" rule. The new language is here.

Now, what this means is not that there are no more ethics in coaching. It means that the foolishness of expecting parents to know the esoteric ethical constraints of coaching is over.

In other words, now, if you actively solicit another coach's kid in secret, or start telling parents that you would do better, or bragging to them about how great your kids did at regionals, or telling the kids they would get farther faster with you, you're not strictly unethical according to the rewritten PSA definitions.

You're just an asshole.

The good news: coaches no longer have to report a parent (seriously wtf) to the old coach if they come to you about switching (not that anyone ever did this). The whole team-- parent, skater, coach-- no longer has to tiptoe around hoping that the other coach doesn't file an ethics complaint while you navigate the switch.

It means that skaters and coaches no longer have to fear PSA or USFS sanctioned retaliation if a coach decides to be a jerk about it.

Switching coaches will still be an emotional minefield and you still have to do it with a lot of thought and care, keeping the best interest of the skater at the forefront. There are still ethical issues regarding actively approaching someone else's student (seriously-- don't do this).

Try to work out the issues with the original coach.  Talk to the new coach off the premises. Make sure you're paid up. Don't flaunt the change-- no bragging, trashing, or airing of dirty laundry. If you're a coach, always ask someone who comes to you about lessons if they already have a coach, and if so why they want to switch. Give it a week between the final lesson with the old coach and the first lesson with the new one. Keep it friendly with the old coach.

And goodbye to the gag rule. Now we all get to be civilized because it's the right thing to do.

Unmotivated elite skaters, Part 2: Now what?

So you've figured out why your skater doesn't want to skate anymore. What do you do about ?

First, be aware that somewhere between the ages of 12 and 16, and around the Intermediate and Novice levels, a lot of skaters do just decide they want to move on to other things. Some of them decide they don't want to compete anymore. This is fine. And you can take it slow; for advanced skaters it's a bad idea to just allow them to cut it off, especially for adolescents, who are discovering all the amazing possibilities open to them, but may lack the judgment to make good choices. If your high level skater wants to quit, make her step it down gradually, just in case she changes her mind.

Here are some of the issues we identified yesterday:

Family issues
You want to make sure your kid hates going to the rink? Have screaming fights with your soon-to-be-ex in the lobby. Yes, he's a pig who sleeps with everything with a pulse, but really, your child's friends and the coaching staff don't need to know this. Kids can feel either responsible for family dissolution and job pressures, or like they should be doing something to help. Reassure them that family issues will not be allowed to interfere with skating. And then make sure that this is true.

Problems at school
Academic and social issues at school can affect a teen's entire life. If the issues are academic, this is the more important problem to fix than the lack of motivation in skating. Improving academics, or at least helping a child get her academics under control, will probably fix her skating motivation as well, by removing the anxiety she's likely to be feeling. But school comes first.

If the school problems are social, skating itself is the fix. Skating rink social circles tend to be non-tangent to school cliques, so a kid who is having social difficulties at school has an alternative place where she can feel comfortable socially.

Social problems: rink
In other words, bullying. If your skater is being bullied (and trust me, skater grrls invented the concept), you need to help her develop alternate social circles that obviate the bully. You can also try moving some practices, lessons or classes to another facility, even over the skater's objection. Let the coach know your suspicions. If it's overt, complain to the skating director. Do not confront the bullies or their coach on your child's behalf.

"Stuck"
If the lack of motivation is due to skating issues, try mixing it up. Add a hip hop class for off-ice. Find a rink with interesting specialty classes for skaters at your child's level. Suggest she try something new like ice dance or adagio (which can be done in same-sex couples), or something like Theater on Ice or Artistry in Motion. Especially if the skater is not going to Sectionals or Nationals, this is a great time of year to try new and different skating-related activities.  If you can afford it, look into the winter skating camps-- there are amazing weeklong programs at Sun Valley, Lake Placid and Ice Castle taught by authentic icons of skating like Dorothy Hamill.

While I am leary of encouraging parents to get involved in skills issues, you might try asking the coach if there are particular skills or skating issues (like the ability, for instance, to skate a clean program) that your skater might be feeling discouraged about. Talk to the coach about how you can help the skater get past this. Maybe there are new skills that she or he can add that have less emotion tied to them. Can't get the double axel? Maybe it's time to start working on butterflies as a "reward" during lessons and practice, or some of the older figures skills, like using your blade to draw a tulip or a star.

Coaching issues
This is where your observation of the coach is important. If you observe any dynamic with the coach that you think is off, ask the skater in a non-confrontational way. "Do you feel like your coach is helping you with your goals" not "Wow, I can't believe your coach is ignoring you like that." "I had no idea how much the coach has to actually touch you to help you with those positions" not "I'm calling child protective services on that pervert."  Let the skater tell you if there is a problem. Please note that a coach touching a student is rarely because the coach is a criminal; this does not mean that all skaters are, or need to be, comfortable with a coach who handles them.

As everyone knows, switching coaches is extremely fraught, especially at poorly run rinks, so tread carefully around coaching issues. Keep lines of communication open, and never make accusations you aren't willing to go to court over.

Drugs and alcohol
I have observed many young teens who start losing interest in skating because they are developing drug or alcohol problems. If you suspect this, keep your child skating with a whip and a chair if need be, and talk to your school counselor about how to address a problem like this. If this is an issue, you will also see symptoms in your child's academic and social spheres as well. (In fact, you're liable to see it there first. Skating can be an island of sanity for a child who is dealing with such problems.)

Saving face
The other thing you can try doing with a competitive skater who is unmotivated, of course, is nothing.  That's right. Because losing motivation, and therefore not working, has its own guaranteed outcome-- lack of skating success. And frankly, you can't make the skater want to succeed. If she's going to sabotage her skating, then she's the one who suffers, if that's what it is.

Which brings me to the final point.

It's possible that the unmotivated skater does not want to disappoint you. She's done skating, but is afraid of your reaction. So she stops working, making it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What did you do to help with a skater losing motiviation?

Unmotivated elite skaters, part 1: Why?

A few months ago, we talked about how to motivate recreational skaters.  But how do you motivate an unmotivated competitive skater, especially when you know s/he doesn't really want to quit?

This is especially critical at this time of year, when 1,500 elite-level singles skaters start competing for just 360 spots at Sectionals, and only about 130 spots at Nationals/Junior Nationals.

That's 1370 mighty disappointed kids.

Of course, most of those kids understand that they really don't have a realistic chance even at final round at Regionals, let alone making it to Nationals. But even if you just count those with "a shot," say the top 30-35%, that's still a few hundred really sad kids who didn't land the double axel when it counted. And face it, sometimes kids (and coaches) are delusional, and even a predictable loss comes as a shock and a giant demotivator.

If there isn't an obvious issue like disappointment over competition results, you need to look a little deeper.

The first thing to do is identify why a formerly enthusiastic and currently ambitious skater stops working. Is there an injury that they haven't fessed up about? Are there social problems at the rink or school, or personality (or more ominous) issues with the coach? Are there family issues that you as the parent don't realize your skater is concerned about, including money, stability, etc.

Coaching issues are a little harder. First, tell the coach about difficulties you're having getting your skater to the rink. It's possible that she's giving you grief, but then is fine once she's at the rink. The proper solution to this is the patented parental eye roll when she starts up.

If that's not it, then drop in at lessons and practices unannounced (because you are totally not hanging out watching every single practice and lesson for your high level skater, right? RIGHT?) and observe the coaching and on-ice dynamics. Does your skater appear distracted?  Is she using her practice time poorly (i.e. hanging out at the boards, getting on and off the ice, poorly organized approach)? Does she appear isolated from other skaters? Do skaters seem to be interfering with her practice patterns, beyond the general chaos that is a freestyle session? Is her coach focused on her (and she on the coach?) Observe in as non-judgmental a way as possible, and then ask neutral questions about what you think you're seeing.

All well and good to figure out why your skater is unmotivated. What do you do about it? Tomorrow, we'll explore some of the things you can do to help your skater overcome her loss of skating mojo.

How did your skater show a loss of motivation?

"It wasn't a fit"

How many coaches has your skater had in the last 5 years?  If it's more than about 3, and the changes weren't forced by external circumstances (somebody moved, or quit for instance), then you might be a coach hopper.

Here are some of the excuses reasons people give for coach hopping.

Not really a serious skater
A lot of kids start private lessons for help passing a level, or nailing a specific element. Then, when they have that element, they quit the lessons. Next time they need specific help, they get amnesia, completely forgetting the coach they worked with before. Coaches hate this. At least let the former coach know that you're going to work with someone else. Then when the inevitable "I thought Suzy was your kid?" question comes along, they're not caught blindsides.

"It wasn't a fit"
This is the number one reason given by coaches and parents when they can't give the real reason. The translation is (if coach says it), "that mother is a nightmare." If the parent says it "we realized that coach was not the fashionable one." Seriously, though, sometimes it really isn't a fit for numerous reasons-- schedule (see below), personality, cost, differing expectations. Of course, if it's one of these, just say so. Otherwise people will assume one of the first reasons. (Better yet, if asked, just say "we decided to make a change." If pressed, continue to say this, for which the translation is "it's none of your business.")

UPDATE: There are a lot of replies in the comments suggesting that ALL reasons fit under this excuse, including gross unprofessionalism including habitual tardiness, inappropriate attitude ("being mean"), emotional abuse ("you're stupid, you're fat), and financial shenanigans (short lessons, full price). Folks, when coaches act like this it is everyone's business. There is absolutely no reason to hide behind social lies when there is a legitimate consumer reason for the split. If you were habitually overcharged at a store, or yelled at by the clerks, would you tell people you don't go there because "it wasn't a fit?"

Schedule
This is a tough one. In a market like mine, schedule is a non-reason. There is so much ice that you will be able to find the time. Plus, I've often had parents tell me the schedule won't work, just to see them with the new coach on the exact ice I offered.  In smaller markets, schedule (which includes necessary travel time) does sometimes necessitate a change in coaches. However, you cannot blame the schedule if your idea of scheduling is "we can have a lesson during this single 30-minute window and are not flexible on this." If that is the case, you're not looking for a coach, you're looking for a babysitter.

For competitive students, all other things being equal, it makes no sense to change a coach who has been successful with your skater (as measured not by wins, but by accomplishment, skill increase, and personal best scores).  If you're skater's doing well, but you switch anyway,  then you're a "it wasn't a fit" parent.

Cost
Number one reason people drop in and out. See "not a serious skater" about which coach to go back to.

Competitive skaters
If you're making your ambitious skater switch coaches every 6 months or more, you are destroying your skater's career. For one thing, strong competitive coaching relationships take years to build. For another, different coaches have different, usually equally acceptable techniques and practice protocols. You will lose a season every time you switch. Further, if you're showing up at the non-quals in late summer with Coach Success, then turning up at Regionals with Coach Whosit, but then at Nationals with Coach Fashionable, the judges are just going to roll their eyes and move on, unless you're really blowing them out of the water. Which if you switch coaches like this, you won't.

Finally, to zero in on the serious side of this issue:

Abuse
If this is your reason for switching coaches, for god's sake tell the skating director, or if you don't trust the skating director, then tell your doctor, and be prepared to back it up with documentation (names, dates, places).  Involve the skater in this decision. Abuse includes inappropriate touching, questionable language, insistence on excessive dieting, and emotional abuse.

The downside of constantly switching coaches is that people stop taking the skater seriously. One of the most common sights at the rink is the talented 17 or 18 year old who has never made it out of the preliminary rounds at Regionals but has decided to put off college to give it one more shot, with her 8th coach. We all shake our heads and blame the parents.

I'm not saying never switch coaches. My daughter had 4 coaches in her 11 years of semi-competitive skating. Her first coach moved to Florida. Her second coach quit to run her family's business. She developed a serious personal dislike for the third one, for reasons which did not become clear until years later. She still works with her last coach (going on 10 years).

Do the math. Are you a coach hopper? What's your excuse?

My coach doesn't care about me

Who's had this experience: you, or your child, is in a lesson, but the coach seems focused on his other student, leaving you talking to the empty air?

I'm happy to say it's a small minority of coaches who behave like this. Most of them know which side their bread is buttered on, and focus on their skaters like a laser. The really good ones are thinking about the skater even off the ice.

The best thing you can do if you feel like your coach is ignoring you during lessons is say something. The coach may not be aware of her own behavior, or, if she is, pointing it out will fix the problem. Simply telling the coach "HEY! I'm over here!" (Okay, telling the coach "it bothers me when you take time out of Suzy's lesson to focus on another student" might be more diplomatic) will usually solve the problem.

If it persists, try simply leaving when the coach loses interest in your lesson--just skate away. When the coach follows, tell him that you figured the lesson was over since he started teaching someone else (and that the bill will reflect this).

To some extent, this situation is your fault. I can think of a couple of coaches with whom this is a persistent problem, and yet the parents keep putting up with it, and new parents keep signing on. And then complaining about it. Everyone knows what these coaches are like, but because they are the "prestige" coaches (whatever that means in a non-competitive rink), they get away with it. Coaches get reputations for a reason. This is one instance when listening to the gossip is a good idea. Then observe the coach; if you spot this behavior consistently, stay away.

The other problem is coaches that phone in the lesson. This one is harder to mitigate, because it's less obvious. Ask the coach what you can be doing to keep the lesson interesting for both of you.

If your coach seems to be tuning out during the lesson, make it your responsibility to keep her interested. Ask for homework. Come prepared with specific questions that you want him to deal with--give him a reason to be engaged. Let him push you to the next level. Especially with adults and once-a-week skaters, coaches often feel like they are teaching the same lesson over and over. It is very difficult to stay focused when the student makes no attempt to improve on their own.

Be an interesting, engaged, demanding student and the coach will respond.

How have you gotten the coach's interest back?

The only coach for me

This is the flip side of the cookie cutter coach, from the skater's perspective.

Every time I fall for a student (and there have been a few I wanted to bundle up and take home), I start dreaming about how cool that will be when we get to her senior year in high school and I'm the one giving her the flowers at the spring show. (These kids are 4 or 5, mind you.) Every coach wants this.

While kids get attached to coaches, they tend to transition pretty easily (insultingly easily) from one to the next. It's the adults--both adult skaters and parents--who get convinced that they (or their child) can work with one coach and one coach only.

I've seen this manifest in parents who won't let kids take classes or seminars with another coach, even with a guest coach, because "oh, I only learn well from Coach Svengali."

This can become difficult if the coach's life changes and they can't coach you anymore. I've seen parents berate coaches for moving, switching rinks, and having a baby (what do you mean you won't be teaching for 6 weeks!).

As I said, coaches really like the idea of taking a kid from tot to the Olympics (think Brian Boitano and Linda Leaver), and especially at the recreational level you see this a lot. My daughter has managed to have the same dance coach (slowly morphing into a dance partner) from Preliminary through Internationals (she's on her fourth or fifth, I've lost count). But you need to let this happen naturally, and not out of misplaced ideals.

You stay with a single coach because you have a positive relationship, work well together and are reaching the goals you set. If you're not passing the tests, or doing well at the competitions, or learning the jump with that coach, then either change your goal (to I love this coach and don't care about that other stuff), or switch coaches.

And of course, you have to bring it up: what happens when parents believe only one person is qualified to coach their kid and the coach becomes self-obsessed, abusive, and capricious? I've seen coaches who have so convinced the kids and parents that they can never switch, that in lessons they ignore the kids or use abusive language and methods. The parents, and skaters, start learning that the choice is not Coach Svengali or Coach What-a-Relief, but Skate-Or-Quit. Quitting is always an option, but not because of my-way-or-the-highway coaching.

Sometimes you get lucky, and stumble onto a coach that really is the only coach for you. But make the choice for positive reasons.

Have you or your skater worked with the same coach over a long period?

All this work and you still suck, maybe you need a new coach.

Or maybe not.

But something isn't working. How do you figure out what it is?

The single biggest reason that skaters don't improve is that they don't do what the coach is telling them to do. With kids this will be about skating more, and using practice time effectively. With adults and older teens who are "stuck" it's even more basic; these skaters are often afraid to do motions that the coach is asking for-- it feels wrong (you want me to turn my shoulders how?) and they always have excuses (here are some of the ones I myself used yesterday-- "I was injured, I used to be able to do that, I haven't skated in a class in years, I've never been able to do that, I'm afraid").

While there are many good reasons to switch coaches, your own lack of progress is seldom one of them (although not never, read on!). Here are some things to do when faced with this situation:

Listen to the coach
If the coach is telling you that you need to do A to get to B, then you Have To Do A. This means if she says "more speed or you won't be able to do this skill" believe it. If she says your hip isn't open enough, then your hip isn't open enough. You cannot blame the coach for your lack of progress if you're refusing to do the basics that lead to that skill.

Listening to the coach will also help you understand if the problem is that the coach is not listening to you. If you are having trouble with a specific skill, and all the coach keeps saying is "lift your free hip" over and over, then there are two things going on: first, you're not lifting your free hip, but second, the coach is not giving you the information you need to understand what that means. A coach who's trying to help you get the skill will find multiple ways to say the same thing. A coach who has written you off, or checked out, will just say the same thing over and over.

Do what the coach is asking, even when the coach isn't there
This might mean writing down the coach's criticism, word for word.

Practice with a friend
You'll tend to skate better if you feel like you're a little on the spot.

Ask the coach why you aren't progressing
My guess is the coach will look at you like you're crazy, because you probably are progressing more than you think you are. But if you feel this way, the coach deserves to know. Maybe because you've been holding back, he's been holding back. Maybe he's been focusing too much on a skill that's difficult for you, out of both his own and your frustration with the skill. Talking to him about it may help him find a new way to teach it, or may help him think of something to teach you that you'll pick up quickly and build your confidence.

Take video of your lessons and practices
You'll notice two things-- you look terrible, and you look great. First, video always demonstrates that you don't look the way you think you look. You aren't 19 anymore. But you'll also see that in fact you're doing the skills that you think you can't do. It will also help you see what the coach sees. In three months, tape the same moves again. Compare them; have you actually progressed after all?

Parents--ask for progress reports
Ask the coach for a regular time to talk about your skater when there's no time pressure, and the skater can't hear you. Use your judgment as to whether to share the content or even the existence of these conversations with your skater.

For girls who stop progressing
Do some unannounced drop ins on the coaching sessions. I hate to say it, but girls will respond to inappropriate touching, suggestive language, bullying, or emotional abuse by withdrawing emotionally.  I would like to emphasize that it might not be the coach, even if the coach is the one getting the brunt of the reaction. It might be others in the skating "family"-- monitors, other skaters, even other coaches, the management. Bullying was an enormous problem at the Ice Rink of the Damned while my daughter was growing up there. I also feel very strongly that if a child says that they don't want to skate with Coach A anymore, you should listen. No point in paying a coach that your child dislikes.

So now you've concluded that it isn't, or isn't entirely the coach's fault. I'd give it another 4 months before making a change. Let the coach know that you're frustrated (or your skater is frustrated), but you want to make it work. Get "specialty" lessons in the problem skill from a second coach which the primary coach recommends. If after four months of honest effort on both parts, then maybe make a change, with the original coach's help. I cannot be the only coach who places her students when they want to change.

Here's "St. Lidwina" on reasons not to leave a coach.

Have you ever "saved" a coaching relationship?

Get over yourself

I had to quit my job.

Right now, it looks like I won't be finding another one. Whether this is the economy, bad timing, or a vast district-wide conspiracy to keep me from teaching I don't know. But right now, I won't be doing group classes.

I not only quit, I don't ever want to walk through that door again. Since that isn't practical I gave my students the option to stick with me at the old rink until the end of the session, and then to follow me to a different rink. No one took me up on it. They are all staying at the old rink, and looking for a new coach.

I actually expected this. I have seen it before, when coaches have gotten fed up and moved to a new place. Sometimes coaches float the threat "give me my way, let me get away with my bullshit, or I will take my toys and go home." One coach tried to move the entire synchro program. They always end up backing down, because in the end, parents are looking for location and convenience, and kids want familiarity--to be with their friends at a place they know.

However much you think your kids and their parents love you (and they do), in the end, they will make the economic choice, and seldom the one from the heart.

As a coach, you have to be able to accept this. People move on. Yes, I wish my kids would follow me, in fact I wish the whole staff would follow me, because nothing will get better there if people don't start voting with their feet and their wallets, but in the end you have to make the choice that works for you and your family. I reached a tipping point where the unprofessional behavior of certain members of staff and management became intolerable. My students were not at that point, and frankly what affects me does not affect them.

Here are some tips if your coach moves to a different rink:

Don't send the coach emails about how upset the kids are. If the coach needs to leave, she needs to leave, and you adding guilt to what is probably already a difficult decision is just pointless and mean. (This is not the same as thoughtful emails or calls explaining what you are going to do. It's the ones that start "Mary just cried and cried when I told her." I can't tell you how helpless that makes me feel.)

Don't talk to another coach without alerting the old coach FIRST. The old coach is going to know you're looking, because the gag rule requires that the new coach tell her. Further, if your coach is leaving, as I am, because of intolerably unprofessional behavior from coaches or management at the old rink, and you know this, don't you think you'd like to know who to avoid?

Don't talk about the change to anyone at the rink. This is how career-damaging rumors get started, particularly if there is bad blood which has forced the coach's hand. If anyone asks what's going on, the correct answer is "she had another opportunity" or "she decided to make a change." Don't feed the gossip mill.

This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I stayed as long as I did because I couldn't bear to leave my students, and because I kept thinking I could effect change from within. This turned out to be an idealistic fantasy.

In the meantime, I'm hoping to have a soft landing at a new facility, or to set up my own mini-skating school through a local home school network. And of course, I'll keep writing. What would you do without your Xanboni?

Have you ever had to leave an intolerable (for you) situation? How did you handle it?

Leaving home

As the competition schedule heats up, kids on the cusp-- top ten, but not quite on the radar, ambitious but not delivering the medals--are asking themselves, have I gone as far as I can go where I am? I got this email from a young skater in a difficult position:

I am a skater who has gone just about as far as I can in my hometown. I know that if I want to advance I will have to move, but can I handle it? What will it be like without my parents? am I to old to train seriously? Will I make friends? Will it be too tough?

My feelings:

Everyone moves away from home.
Don't worry about it! You're leaving anyway, to go to college, when you are 17 or 18. That said, if you are younger than 14 I believe your mother, or father, or grandparent or much-older sibling has to go with you. I am personally adamantly opposed to the idea of children that young living with the coach; in fact, I don't think any minor skater or other athlete should live with their coach, but I know it happens. If you're 15 to 17, have a reliable family to go to if your own family member can't do it. When you're 17 or older, hey like I said, you'd go away to college wouldn't you? Best choice would be to go to college near the skating program.

What do you hope to achieve.
If you're one of those younger skaters who is contemplating a move, be really really sure that you cannot achieve your goals at home. Younger and untried coaches DO have skaters who achieve remarkable success. Moving is difficult and disruptive-for you, your family, and your career. Make sure it's the right choice.

How do you know if it's realistic?
If you're at a level that you need to move to training center to improve your career, chances are someone outside your immediate skating family has taken you or your parents aside and told you, hey, you really need to think about a better training situation. If you're not quite there, but feel that you're stalled where you are, ask someone trustworthy- a local skating judge, a non-involved coach, or a former competitive skater- anyone who can observe your skating first hand. Across the board, people like these are incredibly approachable, generous, and honest.

The age issue.
If you're about to age out of one of the levels, you have some very tough questions to ask yourself. Are you stuck at a level because you don't have the jumps or lifts you need to be competitive, or is your coach just sandbagging you. If you're a 15 or 16 year old girl without triples (meaning you are probably still at Novice or even Intermediate), you are getting old to have a realistic competitive career, although this, thank god, is changing, as women start skating through college. Look at your competitive record-- if you keep winning at the lower level, but the skills are holding you back, then yes, a change in situation might be what you need.

If you're approaching college age, you quite literally don't need to make the choice- home or skating. Move to the college town with the best coaching situation for you. Do your last year of high school there, or work out an arrangement to finish high school with college courses. There are lots of educational options that schools don't tell you about.

Who will be your coach?
Okay this is the big one. You don't walk into the Broadmoor and expect Kathy Casey or Tom Zakrajsek to just take you based on your self-assessed wonderfulness or ambition. Fifth place in the final round at Uppers has not put you on the map. You have to audition for them. Some high level coaches will invite you to audition, despite PSA rules against this, sometimes they'll accept unsolicited requests. Get hold of a PSA directory, which lists everyone's contact information.

In other words, don't move unless you have a coaching situation arranged.

What is Plan B
What happens if you give it a try, and it doesn't work out--you hate it, or you don't achieve the success you want, or the coach drops you (it happens). Well, you go back home, or back to school. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone, or make excuses or feel embarrassed.

That you can even contemplate such a major step at 13 or 14 or 15 puts you in a special category of kids who are able to think past the ends of noses and today's pop hit. Your reach should exceed your grasp, or what's a heaven for.

Do you know a skater who left home to train at a young age?

When do you tell the coach you're leaving?

The only really easy way to leave a coach is to actually leave town, and sometimes I think skating families actually consider this in order to avoid telling the coach there needs to be a change.

In the US skating families are hobbled by what I call the gag rule--it's very difficult to seek a new coach without the old coach finding out, because they're required by PSA rules to rat you out. If you're not a competitive skater the way around this is to quit for three months--just do classes and practice; as far as I'm concerned this cleans the slate. You no longer have a coach and can talk to anyone you want without them having to talk to the other guy. When you quit, make sure you have a final bill in writing, and that the coach physically signs it off as paid when you pay it. This ends your obligation and overrides the gag rule. You now have no coach. Sigh.

If you're competitive it's a little trickier because you can't be without a coach for that long. Of course, you can always just be honest and upfront and tell the coach that you want to change and that you'll be talking to other coaches. Let him know why-- we don't feel the relationship is working/the commute is too long/rink politics are making us uncomfortable/whatever.

Then the current coach can prove you right by being a jerk and making the skater miserable, or by refusing to teach you anymore, or s/he can be a mensch and support your search.

Since the gag rule is so stupid, I cannot believe coaches really follow it. I really think there have to be an awful lot of families out there talking to coaches and asking them to please not tell the current coach until they are ready to switch. Frankly, as far as I'm concerned this is the logical way to do this--talk to any coach you want to and prohibit them from telling your coach--after all talking to a coach is not the same thing as hiring a new coach. It's really no one's business but your own until you actually make the change, at which point you really do have to tell everyone.

It's never easy to "fire" someone, and you shouldn't put it like that; unless the coach has engaged in criminal or abusive behavior (rare) there is no need to burn the bridge. A coach being a jerk is not enough of a reason to destroy a relationship.

So, back to the original question: When do you tell the coach you're leaving?

The second you think it's going to get out anyway.

A coaching problem

The scenario:

Your skater is not progressing commensurate with other skaters of the same age, ability and commitment. In particular, she's been working on her first double for nearly 2 years, with no progress for half that time. She's taking 2 half-hour weekly lessons and practicing on her own an additional two hours.

What's going on?
Issues with current coach: Does the coach have other students who have mastered this skill? Is the coach actively engaged with the skater during the lesson? Has the coach talked to you about the issue, and addressed your concerns? If the answer to the first question is no, either you're the first (so give her a chance), or you need to switch. If the answer to the second question is no, you need talk to the coach yesterday and find out what's going on. If the answer to all three questions is no, you're probably looking at a coaching change. Caveat: "addressed our concerns" is not the same thing as "won't let parents make decisions/judgments about technique."

Skater issues: Is the skater responsive and engaged with the coach? Does she appear to be working on actively fixing the problem skill or technique or is she just practicing the mistake, (a very common issue, especially with scary things like jumps). Is there a non-skating issue such as stress at school (either good/academic expectations or bad/social problems or mixed/social pressures), family difficulties, growth or weight gain, etc.

Someone needs to fix her double salchow: I think you can focus in on specific skills at a Basic Skills level-- fix her crossovers, fix his 3 turns-- but if the problem is doubles, then there are deeper issues than "can't do double salchow," starting with poor basic skills. Talented skaters who have difficulty with higher level skills almost always have underlying technical problems. Might be psychological (rare, but parents always think this), might be coaching incompetence (rare, but parents always think this, yet oddly don't act on it), but more likely it's problems with basic skating. In other words, you cannot demand that a coach fix one problem when you, as a layperson, can't really know exactly what the problem is.

Is this actually slow for this skater?

Look back at her skating background. If she's made slow but steady progress, two years on a double might not be out of line. If she's "suddenly" gotten complex skills in the past, this may happen again-- it looks like one day it was just there, but maybe all the slogging just finally fell into place. Again, make sure she's practicing the problem skill and not only doing it in lessons. I can tell you that a skater who will not practice a specific skill outside of lessons is going to get the same lesson over and over because she's not making the technique her own. You might need to add some practice time to allow her to feel she's getting everything in.

We've already decided to switch: Then please stop complaining about the coach and just do it. When you do it, do NOT claim that it's because the coach couldn't teach her way out of a paper bag, or start questioning her credentials (e.g. "well, supposedly she had skaters at Nationals, but that was 15 years ago. How come she hasn't had one lately?"), or complaining in any way about her. Coaching issues are, frankly, less often problems with competence than with skater/coach compatibility, which is no one's fault. Complaining about a coach is harmful to her career. Unless you actually want to negatively affect a coach's career, the reason for switching is "it wasn't working out." If you actually think this coach shouldn't be teaching, then file a complaint with the rink, club, or police and be ready to back it up with justifiable accusations.

She's not that into you

Excuses and tactics I have observed from coaches trying to get you to quit:

Phoning in the lesson

That is, on the phone during the lesson.

Rough night?

Runs in at last second for early morning lesson, still in pj's with unbrushed hair.

Oh, I thought we had decided on Thursday!

Five weeks in a row?

Oh, we don't need a regular schedule

Because then I wouldn't have an excuse for not showing

She's not ready to test

For a year. Because I never teach her the test.

Gmail sucks

No it doesn't. Neither does yahoo, webmail, outlook or any other computer program. She's labeled your IP as spam.

T-Mobile drops so many calls

Especially when you're screening them to avoid answering that particular person.

All my students skate 25 hours a week, and if you can't handle that you're a bad mom

Paraphrased, but not by much

Oh, music? oh, competition deadline? What? New skates?

You mean you think the coach should be thinking about these things?

I teach all my students in groups

And then pay attention only to some of them.

Did that coach's accent just get stronger?

Hard to take a lesson from someone you can't understand

What's the best excuse you've heard for dropping a student?

Who to talk to when you need to change coaches

I'm going to eat my words here. Pay attention, because I don't do this often. Well, not eat them, but amend them, embellish them, walk around them a little bit.

I've said in the past that if you think you need a coaching change you should research it a bit, and talk to people about who and how. But that advice was too broad, and a recent situation leads me to a more subtle recommendation.

As ever, if you are unhappy with your coach, for whatever reason--tardiness, scheduling issues, skater progress, et cetera-- always talk to the coach first. Remember to not be accusatory, and always to frame statements as they affect you or your skater, and not in terms of faulting anyone. (Lots of resources on the web about active listening and non-confrontational conflict resolution.) Then you need to listen to what the coach says; for instance, if the coach says the skater isn't on the ice enough to achieve his or her goals, this is probably a giant clue as to the source of your skater's lack of progress.

If you can't go to the coach, through either legitimate concerns or cowardice, then there are two people you cannot talk to. Do not go to another member of the coaching staff. First, it puts them in a very sketchy ethical position; they are obligated by the PSA to report to the current coach that they have had this conversation. Second, it damages your coach's reputation, which I'm going to assume you do not want to do.

Do not go to the parent of someone with a different coach. First, this drops you into the gossip mill, and second, it exposes that coach to an ethical violation as well, possibly without the coach even being aware of it. I'm a bit on the fence about whether you should talk to other parents with the current coach; again, this can have the effect of damaging that coach's reputation and livelihood.

So I've just taken away all your resources, haven't I. But there are people you can talk to.

The current coach
Most coaching issues are about communication-- both not talking and not listening. State the problem as succinctly as you can. "I am concerned about the schedule, our lessons don't seem to be a consistent length" (translation: I feel like you're always late, or talking to someone other than my skater during lessons); "I am concerned about my skater's lack of progress" (translation: I have not been following the coach's advice about how much she should be skating.) Then LISTEN to what the coach says. Sometimes just putting a concern in front of the person who can do something about it is all it takes.

The Skating Director
You don't have to have some giant criminal issue with the coach in order to go to the skating school director for advice. I've got a skating director who is notorious for staying behind the scenes, but is absolutely available for parents who want advice, as is every director I've ever worked for. Most facilities bar the skating school director from having private students at their facility, so they are about as neutral a source as you're going to get in your own house. Again, make sure you frame your concerns based on reality. If you ask her to keep it confidential, she will.

USFS Parents Committee/ISI

This is a wonderful resource that is underused by recreational skaters. They pretty much exist for this purpose. Call them up, explain the problem; they will connect you with someone who can help. I don't know if there is a direct counterpart at ISI, but if you call their membership office, I'm betting they will have someone you can talk to. USFS Parents Committee has a Facebook page (of course they do) with emails (under Info) of all committee members.

A former skating parent
Talk to someone who's done with the program. Better yet, someone who's done with a different skating school. Again, your skating director is a good resource for this, and will be able to steer you to someone receptive.

Icemom.net
Icemom has an "advisory committee" that she taps for difficult skating problems. Check out "Ask the Icemoms" on her site. The panel consists of people like former champion skaters, current coaches, and skating moms, including one mother of an Olympic skater.

What if the coach leaves you?

It happens-- people have babies, or go back to school, or get a new job, or just decide that coaching isn't for them. So what do you do when it's not you quitting your coach, but your coach quitting you?

I'm not talking about those rare instances where the coach "fires" a skater-- if things are bad enough that the coach can't stand you anymore, you're probably ready for a change. But coaches have lives that sometimes interfere with existing relationships; recently at our rink a very beloved coach got transferred by her day job to another city. She was gone in the space of about 2 weeks. It's wrenching. Here's how to make this easier on everyone:

Don't feed the gossip mill
Let the coach make the announcement on his or her schedule. If she lets her students know she's leaving, but asks them not to share that information, don't. Especially don't have Facebook or other online social media discussions about it, because these have a way of going rogue, even when you think only certain people can see them. I find out the most amazing proprietary things on Facebook because parents especially don't really understand just how public a forum that is.

Don't complain about it
Especially to your skater. The child here is already going to feel a little abandoned. Kids are very self-centered, and can take this kind of change quite hard. Your coach has very good reasons for living his life on his terms and not yours. Usually students/parents are good about supporting a coach's life changing decisions, but every now and then you'll hear someone trashing the coach's decision, which is fairly inexplicable because, frankly my dear, he doesn't give a damn. Be supportive. Keep it in perspective.

Getting a new coach
Most coaches will either help you find a new coach, or will actually turn their students over to someone, often without really consulting the students or the parents. This is both good and bad. Coaches know each others' teaching styles, and each others' students, and will be able to suggest a good fit. But sometimes, they just want to pass their kids on to their friends, or prevent some "rival" coach from getting "their" students. So a suggested coaching change is just that-- a suggestion. You can actually audition coaches, and it's a great time to take this opportunity-- you are suddenly without a coach so there are zero ethical problems or feelings to be hurt if you take a few weeks to do a couple of lessons with a variety of coaches. This is a dream situation. Just make clear to everyone--each coach, old coach, all the parents, and all the kids-- that none of these are permanent coaching situations. It's one time when the gossip mill can work for you.

Keep in touch
Most of the time (not always), your old coach will want to hear, at least for a couple of months, how the student is doing. Send her or him emails, and let them know about ice shows and other performances. Let them know when the kid lands her axel, or other milestones. After a few weeks, you can let this go, or keep it up, whatever seems appropriate. I keep in touch with all of my former students, on a very casual basis, but not everyone is comfortable with this. I personally do not feel it is appropriate for adults to be Facebook friends with minors, (even when they are closely related because that gives you too much access to their friends' private conversations), but especially not with students. Keep those lives separate. However, it might be nice to "friend" their parents. Again, whatever seems appropriate.

Use common sense
In fact, of course, this should guide everything you do.

Your coach is your coach

I got the raw end of a very bad situation yesterday, where a mother decided that I was not a child's "real" coach, and told two other coaches that her daughter did not have a regular coach (although she apparently DID tell them that she had "just done a couple of lessons with Xan"), as she arranged to have the child work with someone other than me (all unknown to me). Turns out this person "coached" the child when she was 2, so apparently that makes her the child's "real" coach. Since I had reserved a very desirable lesson time and had to turn away two students who wanted that time, and had just confirmed this with the mother, this came as quite a shock.

I walked into the rink and there was a friend of mine coming off the ice with my student. Further, the actual new coach apparently was out of town and rather than telling the mom, just stay with Xan for now, actually arranged for this third coach to work with the girl. Furthermore, they are now apparently getting ready for testing, which this mom had specifically told me she did not want to do. If she had, I would have told her I was not the right coach for her, because I don't take kids through testing.

I feel like the mother lied to me, by both commission and omission. Both those coaches should have called me first and they know it. My friend feels terrible. The other coach should know better. All of them basically defined me out of the picture to suit their own needs.

So, Skating Parents, listen up:

• If you have arranged more than a one-off with a coach, that person considers him or herself your coach.
• If you have asked for a regular skating time with a certain coach, that is your regular coach.
• If you worked with a certain coach years ago, that person is not your "real" coach. That is your "former" coach. The coach you are currently paying is your "current" coach and deserves the courtesy of being fired in person.

Every one in coaching has experienced the loss of a skater. We can deal with it. It happens all the time. But coaches are colleagues, and we need to be able to get along. If you want to change coaches, well, folks, MAN UP and tell the current coach what's going on. You cannot imagine how awful it feels to walk into a rink and see someone else with YOUR student, when this is the first you've heard of it.

When to change coaches

I've talked a lot about how to change coaches, and how to choose a coach, but how do you know when a coaching change is warranted?

Skating parents are the most skittish creatures on this green earth. Ready to see a snarky skating mom, a snotty skater girl, a stuck up skating coach, and a judge with an agenda behind every zamboni, "do I need to get a new coach" is very nearly a mantra at any rink. Most of the time, the answer is "no." You do not need a new coach. Ninety percent of coaching problems can be solved by simply stating to the current coach what you think the problem is. And usually the problem is that either the coach and the parents are not talking at all, or they're talking, but they're not listening to each other. (See How to Talk to a Skating Coach.)

But there's still that 10% of the time when you do need a new coach, aside from the obvious ones of either you or the current coach moving away. Here's what to look for:

Lack of progress:
First, know what is creating this. I recently talked to the mother of a skater in my group class, who was concerned that the other kids were moving ahead of her so quickly. Turns out she has NEVER skated more than once a week, in class only. The kid is a genius based on this, but the mom didn't want to hear it. She's convinced we're deliberately holding her back as "punishment" for not signing up for privates.

If the lessons seem focused and productive, the skater is working on her own and/or in class in a focused and productive way, it is possible that the coach is either incompetent, in over her/his head, or not communicating effectively with your skater. Express your concern to the coach (um, don't call the coach incompetent); if the problem persists, let the coach know you're considering a change for this reason.

If the coach tells you "she needs to practice better" ask for a practice guide, with a check list that the skater has to log every time. If that doesn't help, back to the discussion. Skaters under the age of about 12 or so need to learn how to organize their own practice sessions; it's not a inborn skill.

Sometimes a coaching change jump starts a kid even if the original coach is doing everything right. Don't assume that a coaching change works because the new coach is great and the old coach is incompetent. Some kids just need to hear the same old thing from someone new.

Changed goals
This works in both directions. A competitive kid loses interest in competing, or a recreational kid decides to test or compete. Your coach should not only share your goal, and support the change, but should have a track record with the new goal. I would never take, as the sole coach, a kid on a test track, because I do not teach USFS tests. When my students decide to test, I help them find a new coach.

Be wary of coaches who don't or won't help you find information you request, or who discourage, or worse, disparage, your exploration of new goals. (You often see this when a skater joins a Synchro team. I hear way too many coaches tell skaters that Synchro is "stupid" or will "ruin her technique.") This is a coach who is more interested in retaining the income than in supporting the skater.

Finances
Again, this can be that you suddenly have more money, or you suddenly have less. Maybe you've always wanted to work with that top coach, and now you can afford it. Or maybe you need to step the lessons back. You might have an idea of what you can spend, and the coach wants you to spend more. I'm watching a family right now who just switched coaches, with the understanding (so the mother tells me) that she had a certain amount to spend each week. A month into the relationship, the coach has added several additional hours of training each week. This family can't afford it, but the coach is telling them they "must" do this to be part of her team. The coach isn't wrong, that's what it takes to be on her team; but the initial communication was faulty.

Interest in a new discipline
Your skater might develop an interest in dance, or get into Synchro (which means Moves and Dance tests, as well as sucking up all your time). He might decide to try Pairs, or for all I know, curling, hockey, or speed skating. Your coach should have knowledge and interest, again, the skater's goals, and not only in his own needs and expertise.

The stuff we don't want to think about
Some skating relationships become abusive, either emotionally, financially or I hate to say it physically. If your child complains that she feels uncomfortable with a coach's physical presence, end that relationship immediately. The coach may not be stepping over any lines, but the child's discomfort is crucial. A child's unwarranted discomfort with a coach can ruin an innocent coach's career. Better to simply end the relationship before things get out of hand.

Sometimes, the coach is physically inappropriate. If you suspect this, please go to your child's doctor and have her interview the child. Do NOT go to the skating director first. The skating director is legally obligated to report suspected abuse, but may not have the proper training to identify it. This is how careers get ruined. Better to go to a physician, who is also obligated to report suspected abuse, but has the training and background to interview the child and recognize the signs.

If this happens to your skater, unless abuse is confirmed DO NOT SPREAD RUMORS that you "think" something is going on. Again, someone's life is at stake. Be very very sure that you are right.

Financial abuse involves coaches who keep adding on charges that you have not necessarily agreed to. Sometimes coaches will tell you not to worry about the bill, that you can pay it later. NEVER do this. Keep your coaching bills current; it will save all kinds of heartache later on. I know of a coach who lost an entire complement of skaters in one fell swoop when eight families found out she'd been charging everyone an $80 private lesson fee, but had been teaching them as a class. (So she was making $640 per hour. Nice work if you can get it.)

Finally, emotional abuse involves telling a skater she's bad or not as good as other skaters, and generally using emotional undermining to try to get results. If you ever catch your coach screaming at your skater, pull them off the ice and end the relationship. Coaches are only human, sometimes they'll yell at a kid. But screaming and insulting are signs that this is an unhealthy relationship.

As I've said before, the vast vast majority of coaching relationships are fine. Like any relationship they'll have their peaks and valleys. A coach-skater relationship is very intense and intimate, and therefore rife with pitfalls. Most of the time, you can ride the rough spots and come through on the other side just fine. But if you're thinking of a coaching change, do it right.

What are some reasons you have changed coaches?