Will my coach blackball me?

This really happened

A lower-level skater just switched from ISI (where she was very successful) to USFS. She’s pretty young, and a bit of a social butterfly,  unfocused in practice, and prone to blow-ups. At her first USFS competition, she had a bad experience, complete with tantrum. The coach dumped them a week later via text, telling the mom she was a terrible parent in the process, and to forget about USFS, the kid should stick with recreational forever. The kid came through like a champ—acknowledged the inappropriateness of her reaction, and pledged to practice more effectively in the future. She wants to keep skating, but the mom is afraid the coach will “blackball” them and no one will want to take her on.

What happened. What to do.

This is what the kid is like. 
Deal with it. Literally.

You don’t get to coach the type of kid you want. You get to coach the kid in front of you. If a coach has a child who can’t focus, who won’t listen, who wants to chat either with the coach or with her friends, it is the coach’s job to give that kid a meaningful lesson that diminishes and does not reward these behaviors. If she keeps doing it, it’s not because she’s unteachable. It’s because the coach isn’t teaching her. And if the coach can’t teach her, he needs to tell the parents honestly that it might be a bad match, and help the parent find a different coach. (Hahahaha, I'm the only coach I know who has ever done this.)

But she’s kind of like this outside the rink, too. 
Kids have a personal style and some kids are not naturally focused. That said, if it's interfering with school and extracurricular stuff, you need to address it. I like using mindfulness exercises-  ask the child to tell me what he’s planning to do. Ask him to describe what he did after he’s done it (both positive and negative actions). Ask his permission to talk to him. You’ll be amazed at the response when you say “I have a suggestion, may I share it?”.

Parents with supposedly difficult kids should also try watching other kids to reassure themselves that theirs is not that different.

Switching from ISI to USFS 
It’s a very different culture, no question about it. But in neither is the emphasis on winning. The emphasis in USFS is performance, the emphasis in ISI is experience. Coaches need to prepare kids for the difference.

Why did she come in last?
Who knows.

Who cares.

The better question is, did she meet her personal goal for the skate, why or why not, and what can she do to correct this. If she didn’t have a goal (other than “win” which is not a good goal), then why not? (I’ll tell you why not–bad coaching).

Other good questions: did he skate as well as he usually does; did he have as much content as other kids in the flight; did he have any missed or illegal moves? And really, the coach should have talked to the skater about all the possibilities. The parent and the coach should encourage the skater to talk about expectations and goals-- the goal can NEVER be to win, the goal is "land every jump," "have a personal best," "watch 25 programs" etc. You reach for the things in your control at this level. Jason Brown can have a goal of “win the world championships.” Your kid just needs to land the double salchow in competition.

Parental nightmare: the public meltdown, or, kill me now. 
Don't engage, don't criticize. Just tell her "you're really upset" (i.e. acknowledge the validity of her feelings without approving of them) and then remove her from the location. I used to tell my kids "you're not allowed to have a tantrum here, it's against the rules, let's find some place without that rule." I would wait until later to talk about the correlation between practice and accomplishment. Kids aren't rational when they're melting down.

Fired via text, with an extra helping of I’m a terrible parent 
So much wrong with this. First, for a coach drop a kid via text, or worse, by simply not coming to lessons (this happens) is beyond unprofessional. For a coach to blame your parenting (or even bring it up) also beyond the pale.  Complain to the skating director.

Should she stick with USFS. 
She should stick with the goal she has set. If it’s compete in USFS then yes. But a bad experience with a coach can really damage a child, especially if she’s been told or it’s been implied that it’s her fault. But if you don’t have a coach you can’t do competitions.  After a bad experience, I’d leave it be while looking for a new coach. You might have someone in mind, or you might try doing only classes, no privates, for one session of classes at your rink-- still have her practice, but switch her lessons to class-only. And take whatever classes are offered in your area, as many as 3-4 a week with different coaches. What you're looking for is a coach that your child really connects with. That's your new private coach. Don't worry about the coach's "credentials" for now. Young kids need a coach with a heart, not one with a resume.

Can I be the coach? 
No.

But you can help her learn how to work effectively on her own and in class.

Practice on her own should be set up with goals that she decides on herself. Every practice has a goal, even small silly ones "only talk to friends once while I'm on the ice" (make sure she has a funny thing to say to her friends so that they don't get mad at her, or make them a part of the pact); "only get off the ice twice," “Do every skill I know at least once”, “make up a sequence that uses every jump I know”; “try something new”. You get the idea. With my kids who have trouble focusing, I tell them one thing-- you have to stay on the ice and keep moving for 20 minutes. I don't care what they do with that time. They can skate in circles for all I care, the problem is not the skills, it's the attitude, so the thing to fix is the attitude.

One of the mindfulness exercises that I like is to announce your intentions or ask for help, i.e. at the beginning of class, have the skater tell the instructor "I'm hoping to pay really close attention today, can you help me with that" or make a skill-based request, “I want to land my loop today”. You get the idea. Again, she needs to lead this--if you set the goal or announce it for her, it's not going to be as effective.

And by the way don't talk about the practice or the competition on the way home in the car, unless the kid brings it up. Ask any former skater: this will be #1 on their list of things they hated the most.

The coach is going to blackball us. 
If he tries, again, it’s very unprofessional. And anyway, coaches need income, they're not going to care what this guy says. Blackballing is a myth at the lower levels. Further, coaches also have reputations. It's extremely likely that he's done it to others, too, and believe me every coach in the district knows it. Finally, gossiping, much less vilifying, students is in direct violation of PSA ethics so if something like this gets back to you, complain to your skating director and/or the PSA. 

At any rate, I'm not saying coaches don't talk about their students, but it's very rare to hear coaches really dumping on a kid.

It’s not about the Olympics 
At least, not yet. Right now it’s about using skating to give kids good experiences. Any coach who uses a bad experience, or a bad reaction to it, as an excuse to place blame is not a coach you want. Good riddance.

Do you have a horror story about a coach dumping you? What did you do?

Goodbye to the gag rule

In 2011, I stated that the Professional Skaters Association rules governing so-called "solicitation" were restraint of trade.  This did not make me popular at PSA seminars, where people in this insular industry could not be made to understand the singularity and bizarreness of the anti-soliciting rules.

Turns out the FTC agrees with me.

To review, the PSA had an anti-solicitation rule stating roughly that no PSA member coach can knowingly directly solicit another coach's student, or tamper with a coaching relationship either directly or indirectly. What this meant was that you could not approach a student who was already working with someone else. You had to be careful about talking to the parents and friends of someone else's student. If a student came to you privately about switching coaches, you were supposed to report this to the other coach if the student had not already done so.

Until a few years ago, when USFS and PSA colluded to impose membership on all coaches doing testing or competing, it wasn't even particularly enforceable, because if you weren't a member of PSA it didn't even apply to you. You could be as big a jerk as you wanted, and if you weren't a member, there was no one to report you to.

If you were a PSA member, it still didn't matter, because the unethical coaches ignored it, and the ethical coaches didn't need it.

There are all sorts of nuanced minefields to this. Kid's parent bragging in the stands? Better be prepared that you have told the parents that you do not encourage this. Got a talented kid in class? Don't praise them too much, either to the kid or the parent if someone else is their coach. Parents in arrears with fees? An "ethical" coach is supposed to refuse to take you until you pay up the prior coach. (Even if the other coach has actively encouraged parents to stay in arrears to keep them from leaving.) Kid in your class been taught incorrect technique on a skill? Careful how you tell the kid their technique is wrong-- that's tampering.

Coming from a business and music background, this sounded absolutely insane to me. Imagine if you had a contractor for your house that wasn't doing the job-- by the standards of this rule, if you went to someone else, they would be ethically required to report you to the guy who was messing up.

Further, it didn't stop unethical coaches, it was used to intimidate students and parents (I knew people who quit skating rather than have to tell a coach they wanted to switch) as well as less experienced coaches and made the whole coach switching thing a nightmarish balancing act.

At the urging of the FTC in another industry, the rules have been changed. It is now only considered statutorily (by PSA statute) unethical to solicit a student actively engaged in competition or a test session. I would call this the "don't be an asshole" rule. The new language is here.

Now, what this means is not that there are no more ethics in coaching. It means that the foolishness of expecting parents to know the esoteric ethical constraints of coaching is over.

In other words, now, if you actively solicit another coach's kid in secret, or start telling parents that you would do better, or bragging to them about how great your kids did at regionals, or telling the kids they would get farther faster with you, you're not strictly unethical according to the rewritten PSA definitions.

You're just an asshole.

The good news: coaches no longer have to report a parent (seriously wtf) to the old coach if they come to you about switching (not that anyone ever did this). The whole team-- parent, skater, coach-- no longer has to tiptoe around hoping that the other coach doesn't file an ethics complaint while you navigate the switch.

It means that skaters and coaches no longer have to fear PSA or USFS sanctioned retaliation if a coach decides to be a jerk about it.

Switching coaches will still be an emotional minefield and you still have to do it with a lot of thought and care, keeping the best interest of the skater at the forefront. There are still ethical issues regarding actively approaching someone else's student (seriously-- don't do this).

Try to work out the issues with the original coach.  Talk to the new coach off the premises. Make sure you're paid up. Don't flaunt the change-- no bragging, trashing, or airing of dirty laundry. If you're a coach, always ask someone who comes to you about lessons if they already have a coach, and if so why they want to switch. Give it a week between the final lesson with the old coach and the first lesson with the new one. Keep it friendly with the old coach.

And goodbye to the gag rule. Now we all get to be civilized because it's the right thing to do.

I hate my music!

My daughter's father is a musician. You can't imagine how this simplified music choices-- her coaches pretty much trusted us to come up with great unusual music and she mostly skated to things she liked.

Ice show programs were often dogs, unfortunately-- she skated to music that I wouldn't blast at terrorists to get them to give up the hostages.

In which case you just go out and skate your heart out for the applause, because the music is setting everyone's teeth on edge.

There is no standard about who chooses music; sometimes the coach is dictatorial about it , sometimes it's the student, sometimes collaborative. It is not worth fighting over. Coaches will often recycle music-- their own or their students. At the very least, this saves an editing fee-- when I still did competitions with my students, I would charge them $50 to prepare their own music, or let them use something from my library for free. Students were not allowed to edit their own music, because they almost universally did a terrible job. Not everyone's dad is a musician, but unfortunately everyone's dad, or 13-year-old brother (not kidding), has access to Garage Band.

Even if you're using "someone else's music" remember that IJS rules change more often than the weather; your choreography will be your own. Even if you hate your music, remember that program length changes at each level, so you'll have a chance to change it within a year, two at the most.

Coaches will know things about music that you won't-- cuts that allow for proper emphasis on elements within the choreography-- a jump at a dramatic cadence, step sequence that matches the mood, etc. Points are awarded, and deducted, for this. The coach might know that judges reward certain types or even certain cuts of specific music. They will sometimes use music to cue the judges "this is a Brian Boitano-like skater." "I want you to think of Jason Brown when you see this skater." "This skater is new and unique."

To you, it's "I don't like this music." To the coach, it's all part of the drive to assemble the point total.

Coaches do not choose music to be mean, or to make your skater look bad, or to pick fights. They choose the music that they feel will show off your skater's skill in the best light.

Have you had music that you hated? How did you resolve the situation?

The coach with the best skaters

I recently watched a painful transition.

The parent of a supremely untalented child switched from the nurturing beginner coach to the competitive popular coach.

Who spent the next year complaining to other coaches about how much she hated teaching this child, and trying to pass her off to someone else, but without telling the parent that she didn't want her. She basically tried to get other coaches to solicit the family away.

My guess is that the parent switched because she believed that this other coach, with all the great skaters, was a brilliant instructor who could get anyone to skate like that.

The truth is this coach is brilliant at attracting talented skaters. They come to her with the chops, the money and the time already in their favor.

The coach you want for your skater is the one that works best with your type of skater. A coach who only works with talented, motivated top performers is not going to turn your child magically into one of those kids. But a coach who works well with workaday skaters, or timid skaters, or skaters with limited time, just might be able to get your skater performing at a top level. Conversely, the workaday coach with all the Pre Alpha students (that would be me) is not going to get your highly motivated, supremely talented jumper to Nationals.

Don't look for the coach with the best skaters. Look for the coach who understands kids like yours. Be honest about it, because deluding yourself about your child's level of talent will land you with a coach who complains behind your back about how awful your child is.

How did you choose your child's coach?

"It wasn't a fit"

How many coaches has your skater had in the last 5 years?  If it's more than about 3, and the changes weren't forced by external circumstances (somebody moved, or quit for instance), then you might be a coach hopper.

Here are some of the excuses reasons people give for coach hopping.

Not really a serious skater
A lot of kids start private lessons for help passing a level, or nailing a specific element. Then, when they have that element, they quit the lessons. Next time they need specific help, they get amnesia, completely forgetting the coach they worked with before. Coaches hate this. At least let the former coach know that you're going to work with someone else. Then when the inevitable "I thought Suzy was your kid?" question comes along, they're not caught blindsides.

"It wasn't a fit"
This is the number one reason given by coaches and parents when they can't give the real reason. The translation is (if coach says it), "that mother is a nightmare." If the parent says it "we realized that coach was not the fashionable one." Seriously, though, sometimes it really isn't a fit for numerous reasons-- schedule (see below), personality, cost, differing expectations. Of course, if it's one of these, just say so. Otherwise people will assume one of the first reasons. (Better yet, if asked, just say "we decided to make a change." If pressed, continue to say this, for which the translation is "it's none of your business.")

UPDATE: There are a lot of replies in the comments suggesting that ALL reasons fit under this excuse, including gross unprofessionalism including habitual tardiness, inappropriate attitude ("being mean"), emotional abuse ("you're stupid, you're fat), and financial shenanigans (short lessons, full price). Folks, when coaches act like this it is everyone's business. There is absolutely no reason to hide behind social lies when there is a legitimate consumer reason for the split. If you were habitually overcharged at a store, or yelled at by the clerks, would you tell people you don't go there because "it wasn't a fit?"

Schedule
This is a tough one. In a market like mine, schedule is a non-reason. There is so much ice that you will be able to find the time. Plus, I've often had parents tell me the schedule won't work, just to see them with the new coach on the exact ice I offered.  In smaller markets, schedule (which includes necessary travel time) does sometimes necessitate a change in coaches. However, you cannot blame the schedule if your idea of scheduling is "we can have a lesson during this single 30-minute window and are not flexible on this." If that is the case, you're not looking for a coach, you're looking for a babysitter.

For competitive students, all other things being equal, it makes no sense to change a coach who has been successful with your skater (as measured not by wins, but by accomplishment, skill increase, and personal best scores).  If you're skater's doing well, but you switch anyway,  then you're a "it wasn't a fit" parent.

Cost
Number one reason people drop in and out. See "not a serious skater" about which coach to go back to.

Competitive skaters
If you're making your ambitious skater switch coaches every 6 months or more, you are destroying your skater's career. For one thing, strong competitive coaching relationships take years to build. For another, different coaches have different, usually equally acceptable techniques and practice protocols. You will lose a season every time you switch. Further, if you're showing up at the non-quals in late summer with Coach Success, then turning up at Regionals with Coach Whosit, but then at Nationals with Coach Fashionable, the judges are just going to roll their eyes and move on, unless you're really blowing them out of the water. Which if you switch coaches like this, you won't.

Finally, to zero in on the serious side of this issue:

Abuse
If this is your reason for switching coaches, for god's sake tell the skating director, or if you don't trust the skating director, then tell your doctor, and be prepared to back it up with documentation (names, dates, places).  Involve the skater in this decision. Abuse includes inappropriate touching, questionable language, insistence on excessive dieting, and emotional abuse.

The downside of constantly switching coaches is that people stop taking the skater seriously. One of the most common sights at the rink is the talented 17 or 18 year old who has never made it out of the preliminary rounds at Regionals but has decided to put off college to give it one more shot, with her 8th coach. We all shake our heads and blame the parents.

I'm not saying never switch coaches. My daughter had 4 coaches in her 11 years of semi-competitive skating. Her first coach moved to Florida. Her second coach quit to run her family's business. She developed a serious personal dislike for the third one, for reasons which did not become clear until years later. She still works with her last coach (going on 10 years).

Do the math. Are you a coach hopper? What's your excuse?

I'm jealous of my daughter's coach

The title was a phrase from the keyword search, but I could immediately relate.

I raised both a high level skater, my daughter, and a high level musician, my son. Never for a moment did I ever feel competitive with my son's orchestra directors or piano teachers. But I confess that I sometimes felt usurped by my daughter's figure skating coach.

What is it about the coaching relationship that makes it so different and so special? How do parents cede the control over this relationship to a stranger?

The sport's physical and emotional demands and the safety concerns compel the student to endow the coach with a significant level of trust. Because of this, the coaching relationship is a deep bond, nearly parental in its intensity. It is not just a trope to say that I love my students.

The coach often represents a child's first emotionally intense relationship outside the family unit. And a coach has access to the child that other beloved adults--teachers, soccer coaches, etc.-- do not. They have a lot of one-on-one time, and a shared knowledge and culture that excludes the parent.

It's insultingly easy, on the other hand, for a young student to leave a coach. I know that I've had students who loved me very much--who cried when I left, or their parents moved them. The first couple of times you see them after, they throw themselves in your arms. In a month, it's "Oh hi Xan."

It's hard to remember down in the trenches that you do eventually climb out of it. Even highly successful competitive skaters will eventually leave the coach; careers end after all, or move into a phase where a coach is occasional, or even superfluous. The coach eventually becomes a friend. But there you will still be, still the parent; the bond that need not ever be broken.

Have you ever been jealous of your child's coach?

My coach doesn't care about me

Who's had this experience: you, or your child, is in a lesson, but the coach seems focused on his other student, leaving you talking to the empty air?

I'm happy to say it's a small minority of coaches who behave like this. Most of them know which side their bread is buttered on, and focus on their skaters like a laser. The really good ones are thinking about the skater even off the ice.

The best thing you can do if you feel like your coach is ignoring you during lessons is say something. The coach may not be aware of her own behavior, or, if she is, pointing it out will fix the problem. Simply telling the coach "HEY! I'm over here!" (Okay, telling the coach "it bothers me when you take time out of Suzy's lesson to focus on another student" might be more diplomatic) will usually solve the problem.

If it persists, try simply leaving when the coach loses interest in your lesson--just skate away. When the coach follows, tell him that you figured the lesson was over since he started teaching someone else (and that the bill will reflect this).

To some extent, this situation is your fault. I can think of a couple of coaches with whom this is a persistent problem, and yet the parents keep putting up with it, and new parents keep signing on. And then complaining about it. Everyone knows what these coaches are like, but because they are the "prestige" coaches (whatever that means in a non-competitive rink), they get away with it. Coaches get reputations for a reason. This is one instance when listening to the gossip is a good idea. Then observe the coach; if you spot this behavior consistently, stay away.

The other problem is coaches that phone in the lesson. This one is harder to mitigate, because it's less obvious. Ask the coach what you can be doing to keep the lesson interesting for both of you.

If your coach seems to be tuning out during the lesson, make it your responsibility to keep her interested. Ask for homework. Come prepared with specific questions that you want him to deal with--give him a reason to be engaged. Let him push you to the next level. Especially with adults and once-a-week skaters, coaches often feel like they are teaching the same lesson over and over. It is very difficult to stay focused when the student makes no attempt to improve on their own.

Be an interesting, engaged, demanding student and the coach will respond.

How have you gotten the coach's interest back?

Getting the class coach you want

 It's (relatively) easy getting the private coach you want-- you identify her/him, you work out the schedule, you pay the fee, done.

But class coaches are another problem. What if you want a particular class coach, or DON'T want a particular class coach? Are there options?

Don't sign up until you know the schedule
If you're in a program that keeps registration open, then just wait until they post the schedule so you know who is teaching what. If your rink doesn't post the coaches' schedule, just ask the coach you want. They will know a couple of weeks before the session starts.

Ask
There are three ways you can ask: A "will you please assign Coach Wonderful to X level class at [time] or, B "who teaches X level class at [time] or C "when does Coach Wonderful teach X class" (or what classes does Coach Wonderful teach).  Good luck with A.

There are all sorts of reasons that Coach Wonderful can't be assigned to Class X. They might not have that time available, or may want, or be needed on, a different level at the same time. They may not have the seniority to get assigned a class if someone else wants it. The Skating Director may be unreceptive to customer requests of this nature (even multiple customer requests, and especially if the SD doesn't like the coach in question or the parent doing the asking). This is especially common with the obverse-- "please stop assigning Coach Arschloch to Class X, everyone hates him, that's why no one ever signs up for that class."

But you can always ask.

Reconsider
What's the cost vs. benefit. Is it better to be in a large class with a beloved coach, or a small class with the coach you don't know?

Don't move up
If you really love a coach and you/your skater moves up but the coach doesn't, just stay in the class. There is almost no skater who can't benefit from another round at any level, and if they love the coach that much, they might be receptive to this.

Get over it
Your child is going to have to deal with a lot of people in his/her life that they don't click with, or that they in fact don't like, and certainly that they don't know. They're going to have to deal with people in authority who don't like/get them. Shyness/discomfort with new people is not an excuse, because it's completely unrealistic to control your child's contacts to that extent. So to some extent this is not just a skating, but also a parenting issue. Unless it's a question of abuse, inappropriate behavior, or actual shirking of responsibility on the teacher's part, a skater (child or adult) who refuses to get something out of a class because they don't like the teacher is not a disatisfied consumer, but rather a spoiled brat. 

It's wonderful to have that teacher whom you love, but not always possible. Go ahead and ask, but then just take the class with the new teacher. You might discover that they are wonderful, too.

The only coach for me

This is the flip side of the cookie cutter coach, from the skater's perspective.

Every time I fall for a student (and there have been a few I wanted to bundle up and take home), I start dreaming about how cool that will be when we get to her senior year in high school and I'm the one giving her the flowers at the spring show. (These kids are 4 or 5, mind you.) Every coach wants this.

While kids get attached to coaches, they tend to transition pretty easily (insultingly easily) from one to the next. It's the adults--both adult skaters and parents--who get convinced that they (or their child) can work with one coach and one coach only.

I've seen this manifest in parents who won't let kids take classes or seminars with another coach, even with a guest coach, because "oh, I only learn well from Coach Svengali."

This can become difficult if the coach's life changes and they can't coach you anymore. I've seen parents berate coaches for moving, switching rinks, and having a baby (what do you mean you won't be teaching for 6 weeks!).

As I said, coaches really like the idea of taking a kid from tot to the Olympics (think Brian Boitano and Linda Leaver), and especially at the recreational level you see this a lot. My daughter has managed to have the same dance coach (slowly morphing into a dance partner) from Preliminary through Internationals (she's on her fourth or fifth, I've lost count). But you need to let this happen naturally, and not out of misplaced ideals.

You stay with a single coach because you have a positive relationship, work well together and are reaching the goals you set. If you're not passing the tests, or doing well at the competitions, or learning the jump with that coach, then either change your goal (to I love this coach and don't care about that other stuff), or switch coaches.

And of course, you have to bring it up: what happens when parents believe only one person is qualified to coach their kid and the coach becomes self-obsessed, abusive, and capricious? I've seen coaches who have so convinced the kids and parents that they can never switch, that in lessons they ignore the kids or use abusive language and methods. The parents, and skaters, start learning that the choice is not Coach Svengali or Coach What-a-Relief, but Skate-Or-Quit. Quitting is always an option, but not because of my-way-or-the-highway coaching.

Sometimes you get lucky, and stumble onto a coach that really is the only coach for you. But make the choice for positive reasons.

Have you or your skater worked with the same coach over a long period?

All this work and you still suck, maybe you need a new coach.

Or maybe not.

But something isn't working. How do you figure out what it is?

The single biggest reason that skaters don't improve is that they don't do what the coach is telling them to do. With kids this will be about skating more, and using practice time effectively. With adults and older teens who are "stuck" it's even more basic; these skaters are often afraid to do motions that the coach is asking for-- it feels wrong (you want me to turn my shoulders how?) and they always have excuses (here are some of the ones I myself used yesterday-- "I was injured, I used to be able to do that, I haven't skated in a class in years, I've never been able to do that, I'm afraid").

While there are many good reasons to switch coaches, your own lack of progress is seldom one of them (although not never, read on!). Here are some things to do when faced with this situation:

Listen to the coach
If the coach is telling you that you need to do A to get to B, then you Have To Do A. This means if she says "more speed or you won't be able to do this skill" believe it. If she says your hip isn't open enough, then your hip isn't open enough. You cannot blame the coach for your lack of progress if you're refusing to do the basics that lead to that skill.

Listening to the coach will also help you understand if the problem is that the coach is not listening to you. If you are having trouble with a specific skill, and all the coach keeps saying is "lift your free hip" over and over, then there are two things going on: first, you're not lifting your free hip, but second, the coach is not giving you the information you need to understand what that means. A coach who's trying to help you get the skill will find multiple ways to say the same thing. A coach who has written you off, or checked out, will just say the same thing over and over.

Do what the coach is asking, even when the coach isn't there
This might mean writing down the coach's criticism, word for word.

Practice with a friend
You'll tend to skate better if you feel like you're a little on the spot.

Ask the coach why you aren't progressing
My guess is the coach will look at you like you're crazy, because you probably are progressing more than you think you are. But if you feel this way, the coach deserves to know. Maybe because you've been holding back, he's been holding back. Maybe he's been focusing too much on a skill that's difficult for you, out of both his own and your frustration with the skill. Talking to him about it may help him find a new way to teach it, or may help him think of something to teach you that you'll pick up quickly and build your confidence.

Take video of your lessons and practices
You'll notice two things-- you look terrible, and you look great. First, video always demonstrates that you don't look the way you think you look. You aren't 19 anymore. But you'll also see that in fact you're doing the skills that you think you can't do. It will also help you see what the coach sees. In three months, tape the same moves again. Compare them; have you actually progressed after all?

Parents--ask for progress reports
Ask the coach for a regular time to talk about your skater when there's no time pressure, and the skater can't hear you. Use your judgment as to whether to share the content or even the existence of these conversations with your skater.

For girls who stop progressing
Do some unannounced drop ins on the coaching sessions. I hate to say it, but girls will respond to inappropriate touching, suggestive language, bullying, or emotional abuse by withdrawing emotionally.  I would like to emphasize that it might not be the coach, even if the coach is the one getting the brunt of the reaction. It might be others in the skating "family"-- monitors, other skaters, even other coaches, the management. Bullying was an enormous problem at the Ice Rink of the Damned while my daughter was growing up there. I also feel very strongly that if a child says that they don't want to skate with Coach A anymore, you should listen. No point in paying a coach that your child dislikes.

So now you've concluded that it isn't, or isn't entirely the coach's fault. I'd give it another 4 months before making a change. Let the coach know that you're frustrated (or your skater is frustrated), but you want to make it work. Get "specialty" lessons in the problem skill from a second coach which the primary coach recommends. If after four months of honest effort on both parts, then maybe make a change, with the original coach's help. I cannot be the only coach who places her students when they want to change.

Here's "St. Lidwina" on reasons not to leave a coach.

Have you ever "saved" a coaching relationship?

When everyone is out to get you, it's completely rational to be paranoid

"All the competitive coaches want my kid."
I hear this a lot. The truth is, all the coaches want all the kids. Yes, we look for students that match our style, competitive profile, and financial needs, but frankly I may be the only coach in the history of skating who actually turns away students in favor of a coach that is a better match. Coaches actively recruit anyone who shows the slightest interest. Coaches who will turn down a student are vanishingly rare. It is the parents' job to make sure that the match is a good one, because most coaches are not going to do this for you. You'd be appalled at the number of coaches I hear who say "I hate that child." Doesn't stop them teaching the kid! Personally I think it's insane to hire a highly competitive, international coach for a once-a-week beginning skater. As the old HR adage goes, "hire the smile." The most important factor in a teaching relationship is not the teacher's background, skills, knowledge, or or other students (although these are factors that should be considered). The most important factor is the teacher's commitment to and connection with the student.

Coach seems to be losing interest in my skater
Time for a really honest assessment of your skating. How much are you skating? Do you bring the skater to practice and to classes, or only to a once a week lesson? Is the coach asking for things that you are not delivering, like multiple lessons, extra practice, proper attire/equipment, on-time attendance, or other things? Are you involved in other activities that you are clearly more committed to, and talking about it all the time? Ignoring coach requirements and/or not wanting to focus on skating, with a coach that demands this, will in fact cause the coach to suspect your level of commitment.

This is not a criticism-- you might just need a coach who is a better fit.

Skater is not making any progress
Based on what? Was there a goal, like pass into a certain level or a USFS test by a certain date? Did the coach know this goal? Does the coach have a different goal? You see where I'm going with this--everyone needs to know the task and the timeline.

I think the coach is scheduling us for someone else's convenience
Entirely possible. Does the other skater take more lessons than you? Have they been with the coach longer? Does their skater demonstrate a higher level of commitment? Be honest with yourself before you complain about the coach. It's a business, and a livelihood. Coaches need to give better service to their more valuable customers.

Coach has a huge number of skaters
Only a problem if you are not getting the attention/service/progress you feel you signed up for. If you think you're being neglected, confront the coach gently but directly, in so many words, about your fears.

I think my coach cherry picks potentially competitive skaters and then neglects them so that they're not a threat to her "real" skaters.
Sigh. Either, 1, get over yourself, or 2, if it really seems to be true (jaysus), then fire the coach. Why would you put up with that?

Other coaches are telling me my skater is wonderful, giving us free lessons, criticizing her progress.
Well, based on PSA rules, this is so so so wrong. But based on human nature, if you think what they are telling you is true, and you like one of these coaches better, then switch.

I'm afraid if I leave my coach, she'll retaliate by keeping other coaches from taking my skater, or by messing with judging/testing and generally making the skaters life miserable.
If this has been observed, and better yet, documented, the coach and her skating director who is tolerating this behavior, need to be reported to the PSA. And if your skater is a high level skater with looming national prospects, it's a problem that should be addressed. But seriously, no coach, especially high level coaches, has time to make life miserable for some little Gamma student, and if they're just mean to her at the rink, then chalk it up to character building.

We're not entirely happy with our coach, but it feels ungrateful and insane to leave a coach of that caliber
What's insane is sticking with a coach who isn't commited to your skater. I don't care how many Olympians a coach has trained, if she's not fully committed to every skater in her stable, at their agreed on level of need/commitment, then where's the coaching caliber? Coaching caliber is measured not by her skaters' resumes, but by her skaters' joy.

I can't communicate with the coach due to language barriers (heavy accent), non-return of texts, emails.
Language barrier is not an excuse. Does she have an accent when she writes? Non return of written communication is simply unacceptable. However, 10 emails a day from a parent who is only taking a lesson a week is also unacceptable. Look honestly at the behavior on both sides. If it's really that the coach is not responding to any communication you need to sort that out, again, by confronting her directly: "I'm concerned that you never answer my questions". If it's that she's stopped replying in an attempt to get some respite from you, then you need to stop haranguing her.

Should I dismiss the idea of hiring the other local rink coaches just because they don't take serious skaters?
No. nononononono. Define "non serious" skater-- someone you think can get to the Olympics? Someone who only takes one lesson a week? Someone who doesn't wear Chloe Noel pants? Someone who only takes ISI tests? But make sure that the coach that you hire understands what you mean by serious for yourself.

Look for a coach with a good story

As I've said before, I love it when my various areas of expertise conflate. I recently read the brilliant advice, regarding how to acquire students, that a coach should "tell the best story."

This is classic marketing and fundraising advice, which is what I do in my other life. You need to engage your potential customers, or they'll go with the person who does engage them.

My story is summed up in my tag line: "anyone can learn to skate." I've got a good story as an adult skater who loved the sport so much that I changed my life in order to pursue the passion. Looking around my rink I see some other good stories-- the young coaches who grew up at the rink. The grade school teacher who coaches during her off hours. The Russian stars (at least according to them, but whatever, it's a good story), "my dad's a former champion," and of course, the former champions.

Then you need to ask yourself: why does this story resonate with me? What is it about this story that makes this person a good coach? Does the answer change if you think about different skaters-- for instance, the former champion has a great story, but is that the right story for the recreational or timid skater? "My dad's a champ" is a great story, but do that coach's skaters actually get to skate with dad? In other words, is the coach adapting aspects of the story to reach your individual skater's needs?

What's your coach's story? What coach do you know who has a good story of their own?

Lesson Request Forms

One of the most common questions I hear is "when should I start private figure skating lessons" and "how do I go about choosing a figure skating coach."

My best advice is choose a coach that your skater gets along with well, but if you're new to a rink you might not know who that is, or you might feel awkward about approaching someone.

Many rinks also have some version of a private lesson request form, where you note your skater's level, your availability and your contact information.

At some rinks, the form just goes up in the pro's room; the first coach who sees it nabs it. If you don't end up working with that person, don't assume they've reposted the request (in fact I can practically guarantee that they haven't). Fill out a new one. Worse, if he doesn't call you, he might not repost it. If you turn a form in and haven't heard from anyone within a few days, fill out another one and ask to have it posted again. Other rinks have a rotating roster or a seniority system--they give the form to the next person on the list. In systems like this, you're supposed to give it back if it doesn't work out, but again, this doesn't always happen. If you don't sign up with the first coach who calls, fill out another one.

You also do not have to hire the first coach who calls you. You can shop around. Try a lesson, put the form back up. Use this judiciously, because if you do it too many times, word will get around that you're not serious. But it's okay to "audition" two or three coaches, especially if you're on a competitive track or are a higher level (already have axel) skater.

To get the best service from using these forms, here's some things to know:

Do put down the skater's current class level. Don't put down what you think she should be in. Don't write down what skills you think the skater should be learning, or novels about prior good or bad experiences. Don't put down statements like "current teacher is holding him back." Especially don't use skating terms, even if you are confident that know them. A lesson form with excessive information is a great big red flag that says "overinvolved parent." Plenty of time to get obnoxiously over-involved once you and the coach know each other better.

Do put down specific goals if you have them: "help with axel," "start USFS test," "pass Gamma," "lessons during intersession," but keep it brief and specific.

If availability is asked, be flexible. Don't put down the one half-hour slot that is optimum for you, especially if it's during a popular time. Chances are the more desirable coaches are already teaching on that ice. If you say "only available Tuesdays at 4:15" 80% of the coaches are going to pass this up. In addition, don't make up times that aren't offered. Ice isn't just sitting around waiting to accommodate your schedule. Every rink has specific times when coaches are allowed to teach. If there's no ice, I can't come on Saturday at 3 just because it's more convenient for you.

Remember that the lesson form is for that rink. Don't assume that if the ice you want isn't available, you can simply tell the coach to meet you at Rink Across Town.

The price is the price. Coaching fees and ice entry fees are set. They are not flexible, you cannot get discounts. Some coaches charge less than others, but if you tell an interested coach, well so-and-so only charges $X, you're likely to hear, "fine, go skate with so-and-so." Plus, So-and-so will be informed of the conversation (coaches tend to take care of each other when it comes to problem parents).

In general, and especially for lower level skaters (LTS/Basic Skills through about FS3-4), the first coach who calls is going to be FINE. You'll get different personality types, but figure skating coaches are a flexible bunch, well able to adapt teaching style to the child in front of us.

Can I really audition a coach?

I've recommended auditioning coaches, and a reader asks "can I really do that?"

And, yes, of course you can. It's your money, time, and child (or self). Depending on where your skater is in her "career" there are different ways of going about this.

For very young children and beginners, the best thing to do is simply hire a coach that your child (or whoever the skater is) gets along with well. Don't worry too much about credentials-- if they've been hired by a rink, they have the credentials they need to teach a 5-year-old, pretty much. Your first coach does not need to be the one that gets you to the Olympics, he needs to be one that inspires a love of skating. You've already "auditioned" this coach in class. Auditioning several coaches at this level is just going to look silly, and furthermore is going to give all the coaches in the rink the idea that you're a bad risk.

In fact, class is the place to start the audition. If you move to a new rink, and don't come armed with a referral from your old rink or coach, just take class with as many different coaches as you can and see who clicks. Then ask a couple of the coaches if you can try a lesson with them, making sure that every coach KNOWS you are trying out different coaches. I wouldn't do this with more than 2 or 3 of them. Then choose one; the other ones will grumble and gripe for a while and then forget about it. As a species, figure skating coaches have very thick skin and a marvelous ability to rationalize not getting students.

I'm pretty sure I've been "stealth" auditioned--I'll do a couple of lessons with a kid and then come in and see them working with someone else. Fine, whatever, but do me the courtesy of telling me this is going on.

You don't have to hire the first coach that approaches you. If you're at a rink with those "lesson request forms" remember that only one coach ever sees it-- the first one that grabs it off the board, or the first one on the skating director's "next up" list. Tell them, sure, let's try out a lesson and see how it goes, but that phone call does not commit you to the lesson. By the way, if you decide not to go with this coach and the sheet goes back up on the wall, rethink it, because that's an ethical and generous person. (If you turn in a sheet like that and don't get ANY calls, there's a red flag on there somewhere-- more in another post.)

For competitive and higher level skaters I really believe that auditioning a coach is imperative. You need to know that you like this person's teaching style, that you are clear on the financial and time commitment, and that you're going to get what you need personally and professionally. At this level, it's not only taking a couple of trial lessons, but also observing the coach with her other students. At nationally competitive levels, this works both ways--the coach may be auditioning you as well, and will agree to take you on or not.

Higher level and seriously competitive students should also not limit themselves to the staff at a single rink or program. If you're that serious, you need to know ALL the options in your area, and not just the ones at the facility most convenient to your home. If convenience is your number one criterion (in fact if it's even on the list), you may want to rethink that whole "serious competitor" thing.

If you are working with a regular coach already, and are thinking about a change, do NOT audition other coaches without letting your current coach AND the prospective coaches know. And, once you tell the current coach about this, then the relationship is effectively over, because the coach knows you're unhappy. Try to repair the current relationship first.

More on choosing a coach:
Young Coach or Old Coach
How to choose a coach: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Understanding your skaters goals

A young coach at my rink is discovering the frustration of seeing potential in a child whose family just isn't that into it.

She had been working with a kid that I'd had the prior session-- this child takes lessons between sessions only. They take from a different coach every time. The parents are utterly clueless about skating and not interested in learning. The just want R to have a lesson a week, every week. When class is in session, they do classes. When it's between sessions, they do privates.

"I could totally have gotten him to PrePre or even PreJuv in like a year!" she lamented. "I don't understand why they stopped taking lessons!"

She's from another region and is trying to transport the skating culture she grew up in--competitive, test-oriented, and club-run--to our more ecumenical culture in Chicago, where lots of kids come in and out of skating, do fill-in lessons between sessions (and then disappear forever) or hop from coach to coach like bees.

So how do you make sure that your goals and knowledge, your child's goals and needs, and the coach's goals and expectations align?

Be clear on everyone's expectations right from the start
For parents, this means you need to tell the coach, right up front "we are taking 3 lessons so that he keeps skating between sessions," "we're looking for someone to get her to nationals," "she's planning to take lessons until [soccer season starts, school ends, she learns skill X]. " If you are not clear on this, there is going to be confusion and resentment when you reach the goal (or worse, don't seem to be aiming for it), which the coach may not share, or even know about. Then it's up to the coach to find a way to retain you if she wants when your goal is done, or changes. I get a lot of students this way-- a family decides to sign the skater up for a couple of lessons, discover they love the one-on-one, and stick around. Other students stick to their guns and drop off, but we part happy, because everyone understood going in what the expectation was.

For coaches, if the parents have not stated a goal, they need to ask. It's a simple question "what do you hope to get out of lessons," that saves lots of grief ahead, helps you structure lessons, and gives you an idea of where each individual family is coming from. This is not to say goals cannot change or be guided by the coach, but when a skater first starts lessons, the skater's goal should lead the process. You know you've gotten a thoughtful and engaged coach when you hear this question.

For skaters, really the parents again if it's a child, they need to know (or ask your child) why they want lessons. Some kids may understand exactly what they need. "All my friends take lessons," "I'm having trouble with Skill X," "It sounds like fun," "I want to compete," "I really like Coach Xan," et cetera. These are all valid reasons and indicate a child who has thought about the issue. See if you can get a conversation going to get the child to formulate a goal (consistent with their maturity, skating skills, and age) and outlook regarding private lessons. Try not to superimpose your own. (At least for now.)

Honor everyone's expectations
Once you've established everyone's reasons, let them percolate a little bit. Don't think "oh, I can get this individual to continue lessons/go for testing/stop taking group classes or whatever. First, the relationship may not "take"; if you start developing a trajectory for it before it gels, you're just going to be disappointed.

The hardest thing for a lot of coaches to understand is that it's not the coach's choice. It is nominally the parents' call, but really comes down to what the skater wants. It's really easy for a skater to commit sabotage when his goals or needs conflict with the parents' or the coach's. I hear so many coaches complaining about kids "not getting it" or parents undermining the skating, etc., when really the coach just didn't honor the skater's needs, goals, and expectations.

Understand, or at least acknowledge, the culture
As I said in the intro, you have to understand a rink's or region's skating culture. My friend came from a region where everyone who takes lessons belongs to a Club and does USFS testing and competition. But in this region, we have a very strong ISI presence (ISI was founded in Chicago), an over-saturation of municipal, as opposed to privately run rinks, and almost no Club influence. You can skate to a very high skill level (as opposed to competitive level) in Chicago without ever joining a USFS Club. They don't run the practice ice, the shows, or the competitions.

In regions like mine, parents and skaters have a lot of options. In all regions, they have a lot of information to absorb. Most coaches grew up skating, so it's like breathing to them, but as you and I know, it's an impenetrable and incomprehensible sorority to newcomers. Give everyone time to get used to each other, do your research, and talk to each other. Coaches shouldn't say "we're going to do X competition" without asking the follow up "do you know anything about competing in figure skating?" If Coach wants you to compete or test, ask what that means. If you hear a word or phrase that makes no sense, then ask for an explanation.

As I've said many times, your skating career will be much much happier and more productive if you set goals, keep communication open, and do your research.

My coach is great, your coach is an idiot, if not a criminal

Everyone loves their coach. (Well, until they don't) You invest a lot in a coach-financially, emotionally, temporally. And mostly, your coach probably is great. But how do you really know? Sometimes coaches do treat clients like mushrooms (keep them in the dark and feed them shit). Sometimes the coach has specific goals that he or she wants you to follow, with or without your consent or knowledge. Sometimes the coach discourages interaction with any other parents or coaches, so that you don't get conflicting information, or find out how other skaters operate.

So how do you know what is true, what is self-serving, and what is pure crap?

Don't get all your information from one place
Any blanket statement should be taken with a grain of salt. "Synchro is for kids who can't skate." "ISI is for skaters who aren't serious." "That competition has bad judges." Find sources other than your coach for skating information-- the blogs, the federation websites (ISI, USFS, PSA, all linked in my sidebar), the skate shop, the skating director, other parents (especially ones who work with a different coach, or whose skater has different goals than your own). There is no excuse for accepting anyone's word (including mine) without ascertaining the facts.

Don't isolate yourself at the rink
Talk to other parents. Have your child take class with different coaches. Do the ice show. Twice. (Many parents have the experience of an ice show that does not meet their expectations, so they bail after the first one. They don't consider that perhaps their expectations were not in line with reality, or that one seldom gets anything "right" the first time.) Check out the Synchro team, or hockey, for that matter.

Don't be afraid to ask questions
This is hard-- figure skating coaches and skating directors HATE to be asked questions. We take it as a challenge to our god-given authority. But remember to frame your questions neutrally- "how long does it take to learn mohawks" not "why aren't you teaching Suzy mohawks!" And save your questions for an appropriate moment. Inappropriate moments can include: during class, in the middle of the ice show, on the coach's private home number at 11 p.m., or when you encounter the coach at the grocery store. Send the coach an email (go to the library and find the PSA membership directory. Nearly every coach in America is listed in this book, and their email addresses are in it. See if they have a Facebook fan page, or if they publish their email on their Facebook public profile. ) Grab a coach before or after class, or call the skating director and ask when you can come in and chat. (Caveat- Do NOT go to the press or your alderman. Seriously.)

Challenge the answers
If an answer or instruction sounds fishy, ask for a justification. Find out other families who have been faced with the question, answer, or situation and find out what they did. Make sure you talk to people with different coaches. Again, skating coaches hate this. As a coach, I now understand why (it's hard to compress my decades of experience into a short enough answer to make sense to neophyte parents), but as a former skating mom, I really wish I had asked more questions and challenged more answers and assumptions. Other coaches may refuse to answer, or may (should) mention to your coach that you were asking questions. They are constrained from interfering with a coaching relationship, so that discussing someone else's student is a bit fraught. You, however, are under no such constraint and can talk to anyone you want to about your child.

Be a generalist
Try out the ice show. Go to a couple of different coaches about privates. Even TRY a couple of different coaches before you commit to one. (Make sure both/all coaches know you're "auditioning" them.) Put your kid in hockey skates, or speed skates, just to try it out. Go to public ice, at a couple of different rinks. Try out an ISI session, and then try out a Basic Skills session. (And just for the record, I have taught in both curricula, and I favor ISI, which forces the teacher to be creative, and also doesn't drop kids off the map after the axel. There is no class curriculum in USFS for recreational skaters over the FS 5 level. Each rink has to come up with their own. Plus, you can be in an ISI skating school and still do USFS tests and competitions. It's much more complicated to do it the other way around.)

Have fun
"Fun" is not the same thing as "dilettante," "untalented," or "loser." Fun can include serious practice, competitions, morning ice, private lessons as well as sometimes just skating for the sheer joy of it. If your coach starts telling you that your child is not serious enough, or that you are required to commit now to a competitive career, for your 6 year old Freestyle 2 skater, go back up to the first item on my list and start again.

Because if it's not fun, then asking all the questions in the world is not going to make your child want to skate.

What question do you wish you had asked?

Those who can't

Everyone is familiar with the old saying "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." But it assumes that teaching is a fall back, and not a skill. Maybe this saying should be turned on its head:

Those who can, teach. Those who can't teach rely on their unrelated resumes and teach anyway.

I bring this up because I've had several skaters come to me in the past week to find out if I'll be teaching on a certain class, and then telling me that if the other regular teacher is the only one on it, a highly decorated former competitor, they won't take the class, because this person makes the class unrewarding and unpleasant. The class used to have 10 regulars in it, and this year it's going to be empty, unless that coach manages to find some new victims.

Think about this when looking for a coach for yourself or your skater. Your coach's skill at coaching has little to no bearing on his or her resume as a competitive skater. The thing to look for in a coach is connection with students, and the students' competitive and/or testing success. If you're looking for bragging rights, by all means hire that former U.S. Champion, or world competitor. But if you're looking for improving as a skater, hire the one whose skaters improve.

Your coach is your coach

I got the raw end of a very bad situation yesterday, where a mother decided that I was not a child's "real" coach, and told two other coaches that her daughter did not have a regular coach (although she apparently DID tell them that she had "just done a couple of lessons with Xan"), as she arranged to have the child work with someone other than me (all unknown to me). Turns out this person "coached" the child when she was 2, so apparently that makes her the child's "real" coach. Since I had reserved a very desirable lesson time and had to turn away two students who wanted that time, and had just confirmed this with the mother, this came as quite a shock.

I walked into the rink and there was a friend of mine coming off the ice with my student. Further, the actual new coach apparently was out of town and rather than telling the mom, just stay with Xan for now, actually arranged for this third coach to work with the girl. Furthermore, they are now apparently getting ready for testing, which this mom had specifically told me she did not want to do. If she had, I would have told her I was not the right coach for her, because I don't take kids through testing.

I feel like the mother lied to me, by both commission and omission. Both those coaches should have called me first and they know it. My friend feels terrible. The other coach should know better. All of them basically defined me out of the picture to suit their own needs.

So, Skating Parents, listen up:

• If you have arranged more than a one-off with a coach, that person considers him or herself your coach.
• If you have asked for a regular skating time with a certain coach, that is your regular coach.
• If you worked with a certain coach years ago, that person is not your "real" coach. That is your "former" coach. The coach you are currently paying is your "current" coach and deserves the courtesy of being fired in person.

Every one in coaching has experienced the loss of a skater. We can deal with it. It happens all the time. But coaches are colleagues, and we need to be able to get along. If you want to change coaches, well, folks, MAN UP and tell the current coach what's going on. You cannot imagine how awful it feels to walk into a rink and see someone else with YOUR student, when this is the first you've heard of it.

When to change coaches

I've talked a lot about how to change coaches, and how to choose a coach, but how do you know when a coaching change is warranted?

Skating parents are the most skittish creatures on this green earth. Ready to see a snarky skating mom, a snotty skater girl, a stuck up skating coach, and a judge with an agenda behind every zamboni, "do I need to get a new coach" is very nearly a mantra at any rink. Most of the time, the answer is "no." You do not need a new coach. Ninety percent of coaching problems can be solved by simply stating to the current coach what you think the problem is. And usually the problem is that either the coach and the parents are not talking at all, or they're talking, but they're not listening to each other. (See How to Talk to a Skating Coach.)

But there's still that 10% of the time when you do need a new coach, aside from the obvious ones of either you or the current coach moving away. Here's what to look for:

Lack of progress:
First, know what is creating this. I recently talked to the mother of a skater in my group class, who was concerned that the other kids were moving ahead of her so quickly. Turns out she has NEVER skated more than once a week, in class only. The kid is a genius based on this, but the mom didn't want to hear it. She's convinced we're deliberately holding her back as "punishment" for not signing up for privates.

If the lessons seem focused and productive, the skater is working on her own and/or in class in a focused and productive way, it is possible that the coach is either incompetent, in over her/his head, or not communicating effectively with your skater. Express your concern to the coach (um, don't call the coach incompetent); if the problem persists, let the coach know you're considering a change for this reason.

If the coach tells you "she needs to practice better" ask for a practice guide, with a check list that the skater has to log every time. If that doesn't help, back to the discussion. Skaters under the age of about 12 or so need to learn how to organize their own practice sessions; it's not a inborn skill.

Sometimes a coaching change jump starts a kid even if the original coach is doing everything right. Don't assume that a coaching change works because the new coach is great and the old coach is incompetent. Some kids just need to hear the same old thing from someone new.

Changed goals
This works in both directions. A competitive kid loses interest in competing, or a recreational kid decides to test or compete. Your coach should not only share your goal, and support the change, but should have a track record with the new goal. I would never take, as the sole coach, a kid on a test track, because I do not teach USFS tests. When my students decide to test, I help them find a new coach.

Be wary of coaches who don't or won't help you find information you request, or who discourage, or worse, disparage, your exploration of new goals. (You often see this when a skater joins a Synchro team. I hear way too many coaches tell skaters that Synchro is "stupid" or will "ruin her technique.") This is a coach who is more interested in retaining the income than in supporting the skater.

Finances
Again, this can be that you suddenly have more money, or you suddenly have less. Maybe you've always wanted to work with that top coach, and now you can afford it. Or maybe you need to step the lessons back. You might have an idea of what you can spend, and the coach wants you to spend more. I'm watching a family right now who just switched coaches, with the understanding (so the mother tells me) that she had a certain amount to spend each week. A month into the relationship, the coach has added several additional hours of training each week. This family can't afford it, but the coach is telling them they "must" do this to be part of her team. The coach isn't wrong, that's what it takes to be on her team; but the initial communication was faulty.

Interest in a new discipline
Your skater might develop an interest in dance, or get into Synchro (which means Moves and Dance tests, as well as sucking up all your time). He might decide to try Pairs, or for all I know, curling, hockey, or speed skating. Your coach should have knowledge and interest, again, the skater's goals, and not only in his own needs and expertise.

The stuff we don't want to think about
Some skating relationships become abusive, either emotionally, financially or I hate to say it physically. If your child complains that she feels uncomfortable with a coach's physical presence, end that relationship immediately. The coach may not be stepping over any lines, but the child's discomfort is crucial. A child's unwarranted discomfort with a coach can ruin an innocent coach's career. Better to simply end the relationship before things get out of hand.

Sometimes, the coach is physically inappropriate. If you suspect this, please go to your child's doctor and have her interview the child. Do NOT go to the skating director first. The skating director is legally obligated to report suspected abuse, but may not have the proper training to identify it. This is how careers get ruined. Better to go to a physician, who is also obligated to report suspected abuse, but has the training and background to interview the child and recognize the signs.

If this happens to your skater, unless abuse is confirmed DO NOT SPREAD RUMORS that you "think" something is going on. Again, someone's life is at stake. Be very very sure that you are right.

Financial abuse involves coaches who keep adding on charges that you have not necessarily agreed to. Sometimes coaches will tell you not to worry about the bill, that you can pay it later. NEVER do this. Keep your coaching bills current; it will save all kinds of heartache later on. I know of a coach who lost an entire complement of skaters in one fell swoop when eight families found out she'd been charging everyone an $80 private lesson fee, but had been teaching them as a class. (So she was making $640 per hour. Nice work if you can get it.)

Finally, emotional abuse involves telling a skater she's bad or not as good as other skaters, and generally using emotional undermining to try to get results. If you ever catch your coach screaming at your skater, pull them off the ice and end the relationship. Coaches are only human, sometimes they'll yell at a kid. But screaming and insulting are signs that this is an unhealthy relationship.

As I've said before, the vast vast majority of coaching relationships are fine. Like any relationship they'll have their peaks and valleys. A coach-skater relationship is very intense and intimate, and therefore rife with pitfalls. Most of the time, you can ride the rough spots and come through on the other side just fine. But if you're thinking of a coaching change, do it right.

What are some reasons you have changed coaches?

Young coach or old coach

At my main rink, we allow Junior coaches to teach privates. A lot of the staff feels this is inappropriate, as it directly hurts our bottom line, and also means that students working privately with junior coaches are not getting the best instruction available at the facility. But I generally don't begrudge the junior coaches their chance to learn on the job.

Be that as it may, today I found myself feeling rather hurt, when I saw that the parents of a skater who has been struggling in my classes was taking private lessons with the junior coach. It really felt a little personal.

So how do you decide, young coach or old coach? It's a topic that comes up a lot. There are very gifted young coaches. With a younger coach, you're betting on a coach with more energy, who may be more fun, and who may relate better to a skater. What you're losing is experience, depth of knowledge, and a certain hard-heartedness that coaches develop, and need. With a younger coach, you might be their first competitive student, or one of the first which that coach takes through testing, or learning a difficult skill. You have to be willing to grow with the coach. This can be very rewarding, but it's something to be aware of.

An older coach may be more set in his or her ways, and less willing to adapt personality or pedagogical technique to the child. Sometimes more experienced coaches will teach the way they teach and the child adapts or fails. Conversely, some younger coaches may only know one or two ways to teach a skill, or be inexperienced in identifying problem areas and focusing on them.

You can take it a step further down, forget young or old. What about Junior coach or staff coach? For me, there's no contest. Don't hire the junior coach if there is a staff coach available. In a million years, I don't care how good a skater the junior coach is, or much fun she is. The junior coach should never be the first choice. They do not have the experience or knowledge of the staff coach.

If you're not sure whether or not the coach is on the staff, if it's a younger coach, ask. If the coach looks like a teenager, you should know whether they are junior or staff coaches, especially if the junior coach is charging the same as the pro. (At some rinks the junior coaches are on staff, so you need to ascertain whether they are high school students. If it's a high school student, that's a junior coach.)

If you've chosen the junior coach because she seems knowledgeable, and has connected with your child, that's great. If you've chosen the junior coach because her mother has solicited you in the stands, not so much. Coaches should do their own promotion. They should not be sending skaters, offspring, or parents into the stands to do their promotion for them. (Promotion not the same as soliciting, by the way. Topic for another time.) A lot of junior coaches will tell you "I've been teaching since I was 12." Well, maybe. But I'd still rather hire a 24 year old who's been teaching since he was 20, than a 16 year old who's been teaching since she was 12, and better still a 30 year old who's been teaching for 10 years, or a 50 year old who's been teaching for 30. (Plus, that junior coach has NOT been "teaching" since she was 12. She's been helping in tot class, picking up the slippery ones.)

Don't hire a junior coach who has not worked with your child in class. Aside from being a slap in the face to the professional already working with your skater, you have no idea what you're getting. (I would actually make this recommendation for any learn-to-skate/basic skills to low freestyle student. Don't hire a coach that your child doesn't know.)

So that's a little insight into what coaches feel about who you've hired. I'm sure people have thought that about me-- why are they hiring Xan, who's only been teaching for 12 years, rather than M----, who's been teaching for 30? Well, I hope it's because I've proven myself and because I'm the best fit for your child. Not because I seem cute and young and my mother has been in the stands puffing me up.