Unmotivated elite skaters, Part 2: Now what?

So you've figured out why your skater doesn't want to skate anymore. What do you do about ?

First, be aware that somewhere between the ages of 12 and 16, and around the Intermediate and Novice levels, a lot of skaters do just decide they want to move on to other things. Some of them decide they don't want to compete anymore. This is fine. And you can take it slow; for advanced skaters it's a bad idea to just allow them to cut it off, especially for adolescents, who are discovering all the amazing possibilities open to them, but may lack the judgment to make good choices. If your high level skater wants to quit, make her step it down gradually, just in case she changes her mind.

Here are some of the issues we identified yesterday:

Family issues
You want to make sure your kid hates going to the rink? Have screaming fights with your soon-to-be-ex in the lobby. Yes, he's a pig who sleeps with everything with a pulse, but really, your child's friends and the coaching staff don't need to know this. Kids can feel either responsible for family dissolution and job pressures, or like they should be doing something to help. Reassure them that family issues will not be allowed to interfere with skating. And then make sure that this is true.

Problems at school
Academic and social issues at school can affect a teen's entire life. If the issues are academic, this is the more important problem to fix than the lack of motivation in skating. Improving academics, or at least helping a child get her academics under control, will probably fix her skating motivation as well, by removing the anxiety she's likely to be feeling. But school comes first.

If the school problems are social, skating itself is the fix. Skating rink social circles tend to be non-tangent to school cliques, so a kid who is having social difficulties at school has an alternative place where she can feel comfortable socially.

Social problems: rink
In other words, bullying. If your skater is being bullied (and trust me, skater grrls invented the concept), you need to help her develop alternate social circles that obviate the bully. You can also try moving some practices, lessons or classes to another facility, even over the skater's objection. Let the coach know your suspicions. If it's overt, complain to the skating director. Do not confront the bullies or their coach on your child's behalf.

"Stuck"
If the lack of motivation is due to skating issues, try mixing it up. Add a hip hop class for off-ice. Find a rink with interesting specialty classes for skaters at your child's level. Suggest she try something new like ice dance or adagio (which can be done in same-sex couples), or something like Theater on Ice or Artistry in Motion. Especially if the skater is not going to Sectionals or Nationals, this is a great time of year to try new and different skating-related activities.  If you can afford it, look into the winter skating camps-- there are amazing weeklong programs at Sun Valley, Lake Placid and Ice Castle taught by authentic icons of skating like Dorothy Hamill.

While I am leary of encouraging parents to get involved in skills issues, you might try asking the coach if there are particular skills or skating issues (like the ability, for instance, to skate a clean program) that your skater might be feeling discouraged about. Talk to the coach about how you can help the skater get past this. Maybe there are new skills that she or he can add that have less emotion tied to them. Can't get the double axel? Maybe it's time to start working on butterflies as a "reward" during lessons and practice, or some of the older figures skills, like using your blade to draw a tulip or a star.

Coaching issues
This is where your observation of the coach is important. If you observe any dynamic with the coach that you think is off, ask the skater in a non-confrontational way. "Do you feel like your coach is helping you with your goals" not "Wow, I can't believe your coach is ignoring you like that." "I had no idea how much the coach has to actually touch you to help you with those positions" not "I'm calling child protective services on that pervert."  Let the skater tell you if there is a problem. Please note that a coach touching a student is rarely because the coach is a criminal; this does not mean that all skaters are, or need to be, comfortable with a coach who handles them.

As everyone knows, switching coaches is extremely fraught, especially at poorly run rinks, so tread carefully around coaching issues. Keep lines of communication open, and never make accusations you aren't willing to go to court over.

Drugs and alcohol
I have observed many young teens who start losing interest in skating because they are developing drug or alcohol problems. If you suspect this, keep your child skating with a whip and a chair if need be, and talk to your school counselor about how to address a problem like this. If this is an issue, you will also see symptoms in your child's academic and social spheres as well. (In fact, you're liable to see it there first. Skating can be an island of sanity for a child who is dealing with such problems.)

Saving face
The other thing you can try doing with a competitive skater who is unmotivated, of course, is nothing.  That's right. Because losing motivation, and therefore not working, has its own guaranteed outcome-- lack of skating success. And frankly, you can't make the skater want to succeed. If she's going to sabotage her skating, then she's the one who suffers, if that's what it is.

Which brings me to the final point.

It's possible that the unmotivated skater does not want to disappoint you. She's done skating, but is afraid of your reaction. So she stops working, making it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What did you do to help with a skater losing motiviation?

Developing a "skater attitude"

Oh, those skater girls. We've talked a lot about the "mean girls" and how sometimes they're actually mean, but sometimes it's just that focused intensity. When you talk to them they aren't mean at all.

Focus during practice isn't the only manifestation of this "skater attitude." These kids also have the ability to accept correction and criticism. And it's not just because they have a coach who isn't mean. I've seen kids put up with a level and style of criticism that I would not feel comfortable with, but the skaters, and their parents, will swear by the coach.

The "skater attitude" is all about compartmentalizing. People who are good at taking criticism understand that comments about skill or output is not the same thing as comments about "you." Skaters need to put the skating criticism where it belongs--with the skating. They understand the difference between "that axel was poorly done" and "you are a bad person."

Some coaches will overtly reinforce this by stating, for instance "I love how hard you're working today, but let's talk about the technical errors that are preventing success at this skill." But some coaches won't sugar coat at all-- "what's wrong with that axel today! Let's fix it!"

So how do you develop that skater attitude--the thick skin that lets you take the correction without ruining your day?

It isn't personal
Your private coach loves you. Your class coach doesn't care enough about you to mess with you. (Harsh but true at the most basic level.) Neither of these individuals will get any benefit from wrecking your self esteem. Criticism of skating is just that. Criticism of skating. Parents, if your child gets off the ice upset, don't immediately blame the coach. Find out why the child is upset; if she's angry at the coach for being critical, reinforce the coach by stating something along the lines of "oh, the coach criticized your [skill/work ethic/attitude]. Make it clear that the coach is focused on the skating, not on the person.

The coach's success is your success
A coach whose skaters fail or are miserable does not get students. The coach needs you way more than you need him. This is just another thing to remind yourself--the coach has no vested interest in criticizing you as a person.

Be self-critical
Remember (better yet write down) exactly what the coach is saying, and then see if you can observe that in yourself when you're practicing on your own. (You are practicing on your own, right?) This will help you own the criticism, or better yet, fix the problem.

Watch
Observe the skaters with that thick skin--how do they react when the coach criticizes their skating? Do they argue? Make excuses? Disengage? Or do they listen, absorb, and utilize the criticism to make their skating better?

Some coaches are inappropriately critical
I know of coaches who are fine with the kids, but hideously critical of the parents. The kids pick up on this and it can destroy a coaching relationship. I've heard coaches tell kids that they are stupid because they aren't understanding a technique. I've heard coaches tell kids that they can't skate because they're fat (even to kids who are not in fact, fat). This is personal criticism and it is wrong. Abuse--physical and emotional--happens, and you need to be alert for it.

Day-to-day healthy criticism of skating is not abuse, and you need to be sensitive to the difference. You don't need to develop a thick skin. Just use the one you were born with.

The competitive kids

There are major training centers throughout North America where the elite coaches work their magic- Southern California, Florida, Toronto, Detroit, Delaware, Boston, Colorado. If you've got an ambitious skater and you're lucky enough to live near one of these facilities, a lot of the anxiety created by travel, lack of resources (monetary, physical/facility, and human), and their associated costs will be allayed.

But you can develop national talent outside these centers as well, and frankly you have to, because simply not every national medal winner is going to magically come from a family near these places. (There are 480 skaters/teams competing for 90 national medals in the US, remember; it's not just about Olympic gold. Five levels Juvenile through Senior compete nationally, with 24 finalists in each discipline reaching for 4 medals awarded starting with 4th place Pewter.) A lot of them move to the training centers eventually, especially at the Junior and Senior levels, but they start out in Your Hometown USA.

So what happens when you suddenly find yourself with a nationals skater? You freak out, that's what, if my experience is anything to go by. Here's where the freak out happens, and what to do about it.

Coach just got me to nationals, now she wants a raise. This is perfectly reasonable; you reward your employees for merit, and you give them cost-of-living increases as well. In fact, if you did not come up with the concept of a bonus for the coach after your kid won, shame on you. If the coach increases her rates, don't use the request as an opportunity for threats or blackmail (i.e. "if you charge more we'll go with someone else"). You're in Backwater, Vermont, remember? There is no one else. But you can negotiate, because the coach does not want to lose her national skaters.

We used to work with a coach four hours a week, now he wants us to work 10 hours per week. Yup. Spotlight's on you folks, you better deliver in year two or it's all over.

But he wants to charge us for all the extra time! He won't do it for the same money as 4 hours! Um, hello, what? Personally I don't think coaches of elite skaters should be giving more than about a 25% break in cost anyway (sort of a volume discount). It's just not fair to them, because the coaching time that your skater is using is coaching time he can't sell to someone else at full price. If your coach offers you a deal that seems too good to be true, it is. Paying a coach too little is going to cause resentment and a feeling of entitlement on the coach's side, and a painful increase in costs for you when she realizes that she cannot afford to do this anymore, or when you decide to go skate with Brian Orser and find out that he does NOT do volume discounts.

The coach has started being "mean" to my kid. This is where I went hugely wrong (among other things. I was like a textbook for "how not to prepare for nationals"). I did not understand the difference between strict and adult, and mean, and I let my kid know it, so she lost her respect for the coach. Skating in a national competition is a very adult thing to do. Immature kids, and touchy parents, don't cut it. If your skater (or you) cannot handle criticism without the sugar coating, find a different activity. Best thing you can do if it bothers you is get out of the arena. Stop watching.

The coach won't listen to me no matter how much I scream at her in the lobby. Unfortunately, everyone else is listening, and possibly writing it down, so they can post it to Facebook later.

This other coach told me that our coach is [fill in inappropriate interference here]. You are in violation of USFS Parents Responsibilties (at the national level they make you sign them) for engaging in this conversation, and Other Coach is in violation of every principal of ethics there is. Turn him off or turn him in.

This other mom told me that our coach is [fill in inappropriate interference here]. Stop sitting with that mom. If you can't avoid her, just smile and nod smile and nod smile and nod.

There's a major pre-season competition coming up, but we always go to California for the three weeks just before. We can just work with someone down there, right? Or skate a whole bunch when we come home. Nope. The competition schedule now rules your lives. Adapt. There's this time of year called "Rest" when the coach will kick you out of the rink. That is now your vacation time. Rework the schedule.

My kid wants to start skating at 5:30 because the ice is more empty then. I don't want to get up! (Corollary- the coach found better ice, but it's almost an hour's drive and that's too far. Additional corollary- we just got tickets to Billy Elliott during his regular practice, so we won't be there tomorrow.) Now I'm not even listening to you. Notice that look of utter incredulity on the kid's and the coach's faces? It's because you're not getting it yet. But they are. This is now your skater's job. And just like your job, you are not in charge of the schedule.

I have no one to talk to about my anxiety and concerns. Okay, now I AM listening. Because this is the hardest part. At one of the big training centers, there are lots of skaters on national tracks. Once you hit the podium at Novice, USFS puts you on the team envelope, which means additional training and competitions for the kids, and therefore contact with other parents in the same boat for you, as well as seminars put on by USFS Parent Committee. But right now, you feel really isolated, and you are. You can't talk to parents of less successful skaters, because it looks like bragging, or fishing, plus they won't really understand what you're going through. It's awkward to talk to parents of equally successful skaters whom you know. It's against the rules to complain to another coach.

Here's what one mother of an elite skater told me:

"It is difficult to speak to parents without emotional involvement. Someone is going to get their feelings hurt. [At the lower levels especially,] they have such a LONG way to go in this sport. While the kids may get along, parents who get over-involved usually are the result of [a skater's stalled career or a team's breakup]. But there are parents out there who have been there, done that. There are sources through PSA and USFS parents' committee, too. Just know that some things [the coach and their friends] can control and some [they] can't. Either way, there is no win-win. You're either going to get involved more than you want or you're going to have to step back. So much depends on them, not on [the people around them]."

But there are things you can do before you reach that level, and trust me, if you don't do them, you won't reach that level.

• Read the blogs. There's a couple of great ones from parents who have done this. Check out Life on the Edge by Allison Scott, mother of Jeremy Abbott. Allison's wisdom, courage, and spirit are inspirational. Especially go back and read the posts about Jeremy's road to the Olympics, and read this wonderful post (hoping that you don't recognize yourself). Deb Chitwood, mother of a former national US pairs skater and a current UK world team ice dancer writes Raising Figure Skaters, another great source of insight into the world of elite skater parenting.

• Find other parents in your area who have been there and done. Go out for coffee, far away from the rink, and vent. You'll find that, first, what you're experiencing is not unique, and second, that they'll have good advice (some of which may hurt) because they'll have the perspective of distance.

• Get in touch with your local representative of the Parents Committee at US Figure Skating (or its Canadian counterpoint if you're in Canada) and ask them if there are resources in your area, or if you can just relay your concerns to them.

Your skater is one of fewer than 500 kids who has done what 50,000 little girls and boys in UnderArmour leggings dream every single day. You and your skater are unique, lucky, and blessed. That road can dump you on what could have been, or it can take you on an empowering journey for your whole family.

On behalf of those of us who missed the turnoff, don't blow it.

Who are the coaches?

I never heard the term "developmental coach" until well into my coaching career, since I wasn't any kind of skater, let alone a competitive skater, as a kid.

But when you think about it, someone has to be the first coach, and someone has to get the skater ready for Prime Time. Trust me, Frank Carroll is not teaching swizzles to anyone. (Update: according to one of my tweeps, apparently, in fact, he is. Good for you, Frank.)

So what are the different types of coaches, and just how does the whole thing work?

Elite coaches
These are the coaches that you see at the boards at major competitions. You may or may not know their names; basically having an elite student sets you on the path to being an elite coach. A very rare minority of them came up through the ranks, starting as a class coach with local students, and gradually developing their coaching skills and student base until they managed to find a student they could develop into a champion. Some of them were champion skaters themselves, like Tiffany Chin, Brian Orser, Yuka Sato, and Charlene Wong. The majority of them started on the staffs of other elite coaches and gradually developed a student base of their own. As a rule, you must audition or be invited to train with these coaches, but they often also have less glorious skaters in their rosters.

Developmental coaches
This is USFS's term for coaches of national and sectional competitors below the Senior or even Junior level. They are "developing" the next level of Senior competitors (and I count everyone who gets to Nationals, not just the "name" skaters). Some developmental coaches are on staff with elite and national coaches, some have managed to establish their own coaching business. USFS takes a strong interest in these coaches, providing them with seminars, support and training, along with their skaters, especially starting at the Novice level. Some of these coaches will eventually join the elite ranks, others will stay with the developmental group. In some cases it may be that they just never make the leap, or attract the students; but in more cases these are coaches who have established a niche and an expertise at this vital level of a skater's training.

Your coach
Assuming that your coach does not have a skater on the USFS team envelope or is an elite coach, I would also characterize this middle level of the coaching pyramid as developmental. These are the vast pool of working coaches who do the heavy lifting, (and I mean that literally), teaching kids basic skating technique and jumps, and suffering through learning the stupid axel.

As far as I'm concerned, this echelon is the most important one, because without strong basic technique, usually learned from these coaches, a skater has no chance at developing into a national competitor. Tarasova is not going to fix your axel. These are the coaches teaching strong basic skating and instilling love for the sport. Without local coaches at everyday rinks, there would be no elite skaters. Dorothy Hamill started skating on a pond with socks stuffed in the toes of her too-big skates. Some local coach noticed her talent and the rest is history.

And then there's me
Holding up the whole heavy pyramid are the many many part time coaches teaching group classes at local rinks. This is the first coach your skater meets. If she doesn't make it click, your skater is never even going to get to step two. Don't underestimate the importance of this group. Again, they are instilling that love of the sport. They are the first ones who will notice your child's talent, and probably will be your child's first coach. With luck, you'll happen upon one with the integrity and self-confidence to recognize when the skater starts exceeding the coach's expertise or ability and will help you move up the ladder, to a higher coach at your facility, or into the developmental track.