Modeling good behavior

Kids will copy what they see. It's worse if you then talk about it in front of them. Here are some rink behaviors to avoid.

The behavior: Disrespecting the coaching staff. If there is constant public questioning of the knowledge, authority and motives of the coaching staff, the skaters will learn that they do not need to respect the coaches. This is not the same thing as legitimate questions about rink management issues such as scheduling, special favors, inappropriate behavior, etc. This is about going to a different coach if your skater doesn't pass the class coach, or fighting with coaches in the lobby, or telling all and sundry gossip about the coaches, or stating that if you don't get your way, you'll just go to a different rink (if you threaten this, please follow through).
The lesson to the kids: there's no difference between legitimate questioning of authority and simple rudeness.

The behavior: Showing up late. Parents, here's a clue. You don't have to sign up for classes and lessons that you're going to be chronically late for. Find a time that works. If there isn't a time that works, tell the coach the problem and see what accommodations they can make. If the coach can't or won't extend the lesson, that's not their fault, don't complain about it. And don't expect the coach to suddenly back track and start a group lesson from scratch. Coaches, here's a clue for you. Parents don't care that your pay and benefits suck. They expect you on the ice at the start of class, participating in the teaching. And hey, how about actually teaching the class, even if it isn't full of your students? A word of two or praise every couple of weeks will not ruin the child's technique, either.
The lesson to the kids: my needs are more important than anyone else's.

The behavior: Ignoring the rules. Except for your skaters. It's okay for them to make it up as they go along, because they're the top group. Make sure they understand this, so they can lord it over the other skaters.
The lesson to the kids: see "showing up late."

The behavior: Encouraging cliques. This is not the same as friendships, or tight knit groups of friends. These are exclusive, based on exterior measures like who your coach is or how expensive your car is or what skating pants you wear. You can tell it's a clique if they girls (it's almost always girls) refuse to make friends with someone they might ordinarily actually have a lot in common with (like, um, everyone in the rink). The best way to encourage cliques is to put all the girls in the clique in hard-to-find matching outfits, to talk about parties that only they are invited to (or better yet, to hold the parties at the rink, but make it clear that it's exclusive) and to only talk to the coaches and parents in that group. (I see both coaches and parents encouraging this most destructive of all destructive rink behaviors).
The lesson to the kids: some people are better than others. It is okay to treat the lesser people badly.

The behavior: Never volunteering. Public institutions like schools, sports clubs and programs, and other youth activities survive on the efforts of the participants. In case you hadn't noticed, we do not live in a society neither government (because it can't afford it because people think taxes are a waste of money) nor private owners (because it undermines profits) provide enough resources. The wonderful American character of giving makes up for this. It is your obligation to participate.
The lesson to the kids: I don't have to give back; I get what I want without any more effort than is easy for me to provide. See also "showing up late."

Staying at a rink that you apparently hate. Vote with your feet, folks. After you've brought legitimate complaints to the coaches and management that can do something about it, you have to make a decision. If you can live with it, shut up; continuing complaints just make the kids think it's alright to be angry and disruptive. If you can't live with it, you're going to have to find another rink. If you can't find another rink, you're going to have to live with it.
The lesson to the kids: we are powerless to make change, and we have to participate no matter how unhappy we are.

The behavior (management side): Never responding to legitimate complaints. If you keep hearing the same complaint over and over, there's probably something to it. It's your duty to weed out the crackpots and whiners and actually listen to what's being said, and then either take steps to correct it, or communicate reasons that you can't, or at the very least acknowledge that the complaint has been heard.
The lesson to the kids: we can do whatever we want, because the people in authority don't care about us. They have favorites, and it's not us, so screw them.

As adults, sadly in some cases, we are in charge. The kids, for all their eye rolling and complaining, copy us. Let's make sure they're copying the things worth passing on.

Supporting your rink

Had a "grit your teeth and smile" conversation with a mom a few weeks ago. She was griping about the awful spring show music, that she ALWAYS hates, it's ALWAYS awful, and who benefits from spring show anyway? "The rink," she said. "It's all about the rink. My daughter could be the guest skater at any ice show, any ice show, why should she skate here for the same old people. What have they ever done for her?"

Well, let's see. What are some of the things a local rink does for its regular skaters.

• Comp ice on the sly when they know there are family issues
• Junior coaching programs that might include free ice or guaranteed future employment
• Discounts on ice, shows, or classes
• Personal, knowledgeable help with scheduling and coaching issues
• Being, just in general, your home away from home

Let's turn that around. What have you done for your program? Have you offered to volunteer on busy Saturdays, helping newbie parents tie skates, or keeping the snack bar area clean? Have you volunteered at ice shows? Have you recruited your neighbors or friends to join the program? Do you spend money at the snack bar, the pro shop, the hockey games, the ice shows? Do you sign your child up for classes? Do you bring cookies for the pro's or the office staff?

Or do you just complain about this system that you are barely a part of?

What you will find when you make an effort to be an active positive part of the life of an ice rink (or your place of worship, or your children's school, or your local park council) is that you will suddenly like the place better.

For one thing, you've invested the most important asset you have: your time. In fundraising, this the holy grail. Get your donors to invest time, and not just dollars, and they become your best contributors as well as your best marketers. When you give your precious time (and I use the term precious without sarcasm), it becomes important to you that your decision be justified. So you'll start seeing the positives, and not just the negatives.

It will also get you out of the echo chamber, where all you hear are the complaints from one class of people-- the parents. It will put you in contact with the hockey or speed skating program, the skating school parents (who make up the bulk of volunteers, as a rule), the management, the office staff. You'll start thinking of them as people, and we all have a default position that people are basically good. When they're just "the office staff" it's easy to trash them. When they're Jane and Mark and Alicia, you start to care about them.

It works in the other direction too. You'll morph from That Mom to Mary and you'll find that your experience improves exponentially.

Every time you feel like complaining, stop and ask instead. Ask the Skating Director, not "how can you change this thing that drives me crazy, yesterday," but "why is it done this way." There might be a really good reason, and it might be that it makes someone's life easier.

I'm not going to stop you from complaining. Heck, if you stop, I'll have to stop. But take an interim step-- help out. Ask. Engage.

With apologies to JFK, ask not what your rink can do for you. Ask what you can do for your rink.

How your comments can hurt a coach's business

You might think it's an innocent remark, made at random in the stands: "why does my skater's coach let the kids just stand around and talk?" "I'm so mad at my skater's coach, she was late for the lesson again!" "My skater didn't do well at competition because I think coach pushed him too hard." "That coach only pays attention to her own skaters in class."

In reality, you actually love the coach, you think the skater's doing well, and you're not really unhappy. You're just sitting in the stands, bored, or frustrated, or listening to the other parents talk, and you feel like you have to say something. The conversation veers into the negative and you don't want to sound like Polyanna, so you pick something negative almost at random.

But this is how bad reputations get made.

We know, intellectually, that gossip is bad. But the definition is very vague, and everyone claims that they don't indulge in it. Saying "coach is late" when in fact the coach is late, isn't gossip, right? It's a simple statement of fact. But your statement that the coach is late will turn into "I heard that she was late again" which will turn into "that coach is never on time."

You might know perfectly well that the reason your coach was late is because her car is in the shop and she's relying on public transportation, which she isn't used to. Or she has a sick child or spouse. But the remark just slips out, and next thing you know, that coach has a reputation for being late, even if it was just once or twice.

Everyone gets frustrated with their coach. But there are exactly two people to talk to about it-- the coach, or if the situation is out of hand, the skating director. And there is one place you should NEVER talk about it and that's in the lobby or the stands. Serious conversations with the coach belong on the phone, in a remote coffee shop, or even Google chat. (Don't do it by email; email has a way of getting out of hand. If you start an email discussion and it goes more than 3 times back and forth without resolution, or starts getting negative, pick up the phone.)

Fighting with the coach in the lobby, indulging in off-hand (or worse, calculated) criticism, or passing on overheard remarks are reputation-wreckers, for both you and the coach, with your child as the collateral damage.