There is no single group of skaters more vulnerable to dislike than what I call Adult Onset Skaters. Please note that I don't endorse, or share, these opinions. Just giving you the low down on the haters. So what is it that annoys people so much?
Out of place
Girls Rule at ice rinks. Adults, especially at the lower levels, just look out of place, especially on freestyle sessions. In a universe largely populated by pre-adolescent girls and skinny superstars, standing out is the original sin. And there's this giant on our pretty ice. And it isn't only, or even mostly, the kids who resent us-- a lot of coaches are extremely resentful of adults on "their" ice. You'll find people don't resent you, and in fact don't notice you, if you learn how to fit in-- don't show up in a parka and snow pants; keep moving, follow the standard ice patterns, don't yell at people for "getting in your way" (they aren't).
Slow
Personally, I like slow ice. Find me ice full of skaters moving at a lumbering gait, and I'm a happy camper. Freestyle ice moves FAST. On a typical freestyle session, in fact, slow-moving (or worse, unmoving) skaters are a hazard. If you've got to skate on a fast session, learn the rules of the road. Don't hog one spot--move around the rink. KEEP MOVING! The worst thing you can do is stop in the middle of the ice. Understand the patterns (no circles of cross overs in the lutz corner), etc.
Skittish
We startle easily. A lot of adults freak if someone skates within a couple of body lengths, especially if they're going fast. But if you watch practice sessions, you'll notice that collisions are relatively rare (spectacular mishaps at the Olympics, Grand Prix and other elite competitions notwithstanding). This can be extremely annoying to other skaters, especially if you make a big deal out of it. If someone is outside the reach of your arm, they aren't close.
Distractible
I can't work if anyone else is on the ice. I'm worried about where they are, what they're doing, whether they are judging me. This makes me skittish, and slow.
Rude
Adults, unlike most kids, are not at the rink to meet people. We do, of course, meet people at the rink. But the kinds of adults you find working on skating (as opposed to recreating), are usually extremely focused and can come off as unfriendly or even rude. Mostly I think, though, they're just shell-shocked from all the hate and have retreated into their happy place and screw you anyway.
Clumsy
We aren't, actually. But it's one of the criticisms you hear from coaches about why they don't like to work with adults.
So what do you do with the haters? Well, happily, you're not a pre-adolescent girl anymore, so who cares what they think. Get out there and skate!
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Dec 27, 2012
Apr 20, 2012
Curmudgeon
Nine things I hate to see:
Edea skates ($1,200 not including the blade) on Pre-preliminary skaters. I do not want to hear about how your 7 year old's feet hurt in "regular" skates. (EDIT for accuracy, and to honor a great company: Edea price range starts at $300. But I do see the high end ones on kids who shouldn't be spending that kind of money.)
A world competition costume on a skater who only competes at local ISI competitions. I don't care if you got it on eBay or MySkatingMall.com. Have some perspective people.
Pink blades. (Also blue, yellow, lavender. The white ones are cool. The gold ones, meh I dunno. Quit focusing on the product and learn to skate.)
K-picks, unless you're actively working on triple. Coaches who haven't trained in ten years and yet have new K-picks, get over yourselves.
Coaches in skating skirts while teaching. Not dignified, even if you've got a cute ass. (Especially if you've got a cute ass.) Just what are we teaching here?
Coaches in shoes, unless you forgot your skates, are recovering from a broken ankle, or are John Nicks.
Chloe Noelle. On everyone. Uniform not mandatory, did we know this?
Used tissue. Empty candy wrappers. The rest of the nacho cheese. It's called a "trash can."
Skates in the Lost and Found. Seriously, how does this happen?
Edea skates ($1,200 not including the blade) on Pre-preliminary skaters. I do not want to hear about how your 7 year old's feet hurt in "regular" skates. (EDIT for accuracy, and to honor a great company: Edea price range starts at $300. But I do see the high end ones on kids who shouldn't be spending that kind of money.)
A world competition costume on a skater who only competes at local ISI competitions. I don't care if you got it on eBay or MySkatingMall.com. Have some perspective people.
Pink blades. (Also blue, yellow, lavender. The white ones are cool. The gold ones, meh I dunno. Quit focusing on the product and learn to skate.)
K-picks, unless you're actively working on triple. Coaches who haven't trained in ten years and yet have new K-picks, get over yourselves.
Coaches in skating skirts while teaching. Not dignified, even if you've got a cute ass. (Especially if you've got a cute ass.) Just what are we teaching here?
Coaches in shoes, unless you forgot your skates, are recovering from a broken ankle, or are John Nicks.
Chloe Noelle. On everyone. Uniform not mandatory, did we know this?
Used tissue. Empty candy wrappers. The rest of the nacho cheese. It's called a "trash can."
Skates in the Lost and Found. Seriously, how does this happen?
What do you hate to see at the rink?
Apr 11, 2012
Go away, mom!
From the keyword search: "When parents interfering is crossing the line." I know this one, sadly, from the inside out, because I was That Mom. Here are the warning signs:
• Coach is letting all your calls go to voice mail.
• You call the coach more often than you call your mother.
• Coach is suddenly doing about-faces when she sees you in the lobby.
• Kid stops skating the second you show your face inside the rink door.
• You research skating techniques so you can drill the coach on the latest discussions about skid or no skid on double axels.
• You're thinking of getting certified as a judge.
• You try to join USFS and ISI as a professional member.
• You know the IJS long program rules for your daughter's current skating level.
• You are convinced that your daughter's poor rank at the latest non-qualifying competition is due to dishonest judges, club favoritism, incompetent coaching or all three.
• You're considering calling Brian Orser about coaching your Intermediate skater, who has never made it out of a qualifying round.
• You're considering hiring a sport psychologist for your Intermediate skater.
• You make your skater review everything she did wrong in practice or, worse, the competition, on the car ride home.
• You bought K-picks for your 8 year old.
• Coach is letting all your calls go to voice mail.
• You call the coach more often than you call your mother.
• Coach is suddenly doing about-faces when she sees you in the lobby.
• Kid stops skating the second you show your face inside the rink door.
• You research skating techniques so you can drill the coach on the latest discussions about skid or no skid on double axels.
• You're thinking of getting certified as a judge.
• You try to join USFS and ISI as a professional member.
• You know the IJS long program rules for your daughter's current skating level.
• You are convinced that your daughter's poor rank at the latest non-qualifying competition is due to dishonest judges, club favoritism, incompetent coaching or all three.
• You're considering calling Brian Orser about coaching your Intermediate skater, who has never made it out of a qualifying round.
• You're considering hiring a sport psychologist for your Intermediate skater.
• You make your skater review everything she did wrong in practice or, worse, the competition, on the car ride home.
• You bought K-picks for your 8 year old.
When did you know you had crossed the line?
Jan 6, 2012
Figure skating and homeschooling
Well, I've never done this before, but this is just so brilliant, I have to send you to someone else's blog:
So which is it--is home schooling good for figure skaters, or is figure skating good for home schoolers?
So which is it--is home schooling good for figure skaters, or is figure skating good for home schoolers?
Oct 29, 2011
The Hail Peggy
To be said before stepping onto the ice at any competition:
Hail Peggy, full of grace.
Dick Button is with thee.
Blessed art thou among skaters,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb,
Sasha.
Holy Peggy, Mother of Figure Skaters,
pray for us spinners,
now and at the hour of our death drop.
Amen.
Oct 26, 2011
What not to wear
VPL
We actually used to mark down for "VPL" (visible panty line) during auditions. No granny panties under a skating skirt, mkay? Skating tights have cotton crotch linings for a reason. If your squeamish child really cannot bring herself to not wear underpants, please get her "grown up" underpants (i.e. french cut or thong. They have these for 4-year-olds now. I'm waiting for the first thong diaper). If you really don't want grown-up panties on your 8-year-old, then make sure her skirt is long enough to cover the goods.
Skirts should cover your butt cheeks
Shorter is not better. It's unattractive, and unprofessional. I don't care how cute your butt is. In fact, I don't want to know how cute your butt is.
Stationary breasts please
Your bouncing bazongas are extremely distracting. Please wear one of those sports bras that actually offers support, rather than a single layer of the mush 'em flat variety, or worse, nothing at all.
NO breasts please
There's an awful lot of cleavage at ice rinks these days, from girls as young as 12. Don't their mothers see what they're wearing? Even ice dancers cover their breasts, and they barely acknowledge the concept of "fabric".
Laundry detergent
Use it, please. Do you send your kids to their piano lessons, or school, dressed in the clothes in which they have been playing in the mud? (caveat--freestyle skaters who come every day may wear the same tights for several months. Just don't stand too close to me.)
Competitive version
Illusion that isn't illusional. It's supposed to be the same color as your skin, otherwise, what's the point? If your competition dress has illusion from your mid-winter flesh tone, you cannot get a tan during the summer unless you replace the illusion. Corollary--skating tights and illusion need to be the same tone.
Flappy things
I keep thinking your costume is falling apart.
Coaching version
Please, young coaches, do not teach in a practice dress, with your butt hanging out, or skin tight skating pants. Are you trying to teach, or impress the dads in the stands?
UPDATE! Boys
The crotch of your pants should be at, well, your crotch. The waist belongs at your waist. It looks stupid enough when your jeans would pass for clown pants. Your floppy bits shouldn't flop either. Get over the "leotards are for girls" and put a leotard bottom on your shirt so that it stays tucked in.
Also? I don't want to see your underwear either.
We actually used to mark down for "VPL" (visible panty line) during auditions. No granny panties under a skating skirt, mkay? Skating tights have cotton crotch linings for a reason. If your squeamish child really cannot bring herself to not wear underpants, please get her "grown up" underpants (i.e. french cut or thong. They have these for 4-year-olds now. I'm waiting for the first thong diaper). If you really don't want grown-up panties on your 8-year-old, then make sure her skirt is long enough to cover the goods.
Skirts should cover your butt cheeks
Shorter is not better. It's unattractive, and unprofessional. I don't care how cute your butt is. In fact, I don't want to know how cute your butt is.
Stationary breasts please
Your bouncing bazongas are extremely distracting. Please wear one of those sports bras that actually offers support, rather than a single layer of the mush 'em flat variety, or worse, nothing at all.
NO breasts please
There's an awful lot of cleavage at ice rinks these days, from girls as young as 12. Don't their mothers see what they're wearing? Even ice dancers cover their breasts, and they barely acknowledge the concept of "fabric".
Laundry detergent
Use it, please. Do you send your kids to their piano lessons, or school, dressed in the clothes in which they have been playing in the mud? (caveat--freestyle skaters who come every day may wear the same tights for several months. Just don't stand too close to me.)
Competitive version
Illusion that isn't illusional. It's supposed to be the same color as your skin, otherwise, what's the point? If your competition dress has illusion from your mid-winter flesh tone, you cannot get a tan during the summer unless you replace the illusion. Corollary--skating tights and illusion need to be the same tone.
Flappy things
I keep thinking your costume is falling apart.
Coaching version
Please, young coaches, do not teach in a practice dress, with your butt hanging out, or skin tight skating pants. Are you trying to teach, or impress the dads in the stands?
UPDATE! Boys
The crotch of your pants should be at, well, your crotch. The waist belongs at your waist. It looks stupid enough when your jeans would pass for clown pants. Your floppy bits shouldn't flop either. Get over the "leotards are for girls" and put a leotard bottom on your shirt so that it stays tucked in.
Also? I don't want to see your underwear either.
Oct 24, 2011
Skatism
(with apologies to Wikipedia)
Skatism, also known as skating discrimination, is the application of the belief or attitude that there are characteristics implicit to one's skating background that directly affect one's abilities in unrelated areas.
It is a form of discrimination or devaluation based on a person's skating ability or level of training, with such attitudes being based on beliefs that what you knew or could do at the age of 17 is the most you can ever hope to achieve. The term skatism is most often used in relation with discrimination against adult-onset skaters, especially those who desire to teach, in the context of high school as peak experience, or against recreational and low-test youth skaters in the context of also having a life.
Skatism involves hatred of, or prejudice towards a class of skaters as a whole or the blind application of skating stereotypes. Skatism is often associated with coaching-supremacy arguments, and in peer-group dynamics.
In philosophy, a skatist attitude is one which suggests human beings can be understood or judged on the basis of the essential characteristics of the group to which an individual belongs—in this case, their skating group, as former competitors or high test skaters, as opposed to, um, everybody else. This assumes that all individuals fit into the category of skater or non skater, and that this is the only useful defining characteristic.
Occupational skatism refers to any discriminatory practices, statements, actions, etc. based on a person's skating background that are present or occur in a place of employment. This can manifest as wage discrimination, seniority assignment, access to choice class levels, exclusion from high-status groups, etc.
At many rinks, skating discrimination – i.e. the unequal treatment of equally productive individuals only because they belong to a specific group; or the favoring of non-productive individuals because they belong to the "right" group – is still a crucial factor inflating disparities in employment, participation in program activities, and the quality of job and skating opportunities. While employment and youth-sports rules generally require that individuals participating under the same job or program description be treated equally, in practice this is difficult to enforce.
Skatism, also known as skating discrimination, is the application of the belief or attitude that there are characteristics implicit to one's skating background that directly affect one's abilities in unrelated areas.
It is a form of discrimination or devaluation based on a person's skating ability or level of training, with such attitudes being based on beliefs that what you knew or could do at the age of 17 is the most you can ever hope to achieve. The term skatism is most often used in relation with discrimination against adult-onset skaters, especially those who desire to teach, in the context of high school as peak experience, or against recreational and low-test youth skaters in the context of also having a life.
Skatism involves hatred of, or prejudice towards a class of skaters as a whole or the blind application of skating stereotypes. Skatism is often associated with coaching-supremacy arguments, and in peer-group dynamics.
In philosophy, a skatist attitude is one which suggests human beings can be understood or judged on the basis of the essential characteristics of the group to which an individual belongs—in this case, their skating group, as former competitors or high test skaters, as opposed to, um, everybody else. This assumes that all individuals fit into the category of skater or non skater, and that this is the only useful defining characteristic.
Occupational skatism refers to any discriminatory practices, statements, actions, etc. based on a person's skating background that are present or occur in a place of employment. This can manifest as wage discrimination, seniority assignment, access to choice class levels, exclusion from high-status groups, etc.
At many rinks, skating discrimination – i.e. the unequal treatment of equally productive individuals only because they belong to a specific group; or the favoring of non-productive individuals because they belong to the "right" group – is still a crucial factor inflating disparities in employment, participation in program activities, and the quality of job and skating opportunities. While employment and youth-sports rules generally require that individuals participating under the same job or program description be treated equally, in practice this is difficult to enforce.
Have you encountered skatism at your rink?
Aug 24, 2011
Xanboni Camp- Day 2: Why do ice rinks have high ceilings
B: So you don't bump your head
C: For tall people
E: so if they puck goes flying really high, it doesn't break the light
C-J: so you can't put your fingers in them
N: so you can't go inside the lights
S: so you can't climb on them
S again: so they don't melt the ice
E again: so the stands can go high
A picture of the lights by Miss E:
C: For tall people
E: so if they puck goes flying really high, it doesn't break the light
C-J: so you can't put your fingers in them
N: so you can't go inside the lights
S: so you can't climb on them
S again: so they don't melt the ice
E again: so the stands can go high
A picture of the lights by Miss E:
Aug 22, 2011
Xanboni Camp, Day One: Why twins should dress alike
Okay that was intense. Five hours with kids of varying levels, ages 5 to 9. Forget the ice skating: here's the story they came up with during story time. It's a round robin game, so everyone contributes one sentence or phrase at a time (as best as I can remember it).
Once upon a time there was a skater who liked nachos. He went to outer space. He blasted off in a space ship and then came back. He met a girl and then they went to the beach, where they met a bird.Oh, twins should dress alike so they don't have tug of wars over the pink shorts. Just sayin'.
Who liked nachos.
So they ate the nachos and they got sick. They went to the doctor, and he gave them medicine and they got healed, but then they got sick, so the doctor told them to rest. So they went to sleep and they dreamed.
About nachos.
The end.
May 30, 2011
She's not that into you
Excuses and tactics I have observed from coaches trying to get you to quit:
Phoning in the lesson
That is, on the phone during the lesson.
Rough night?
Runs in at last second for early morning lesson, still in pj's with unbrushed hair.
Oh, I thought we had decided on Thursday!
Five weeks in a row?
Oh, we don't need a regular schedule
Because then I wouldn't have an excuse for not showing
She's not ready to test
For a year. Because I never teach her the test.
Gmail sucks
No it doesn't. Neither does yahoo, webmail, outlook or any other computer program. She's labeled your IP as spam.
T-Mobile drops so many calls
Especially when you're screening them to avoid answering that particular person.
All my students skate 25 hours a week, and if you can't handle that you're a bad mom
Paraphrased, but not by much
Oh, music? oh, competition deadline? What? New skates?
You mean you think the coach should be thinking about these things?
I teach all my students in groups
And then pay attention only to some of them.
Did that coach's accent just get stronger?
Hard to take a lesson from someone you can't understand
What's the best excuse you've heard for dropping a student?
May 22, 2011
Applaus-o-meter: Ice Show, Day 3
It's great to see how the girls at an ice rink support each other. Everyone cheers and claps for everyone else, and the whole group comes together as a happy family supporting the year of hard work, spills and chills, love and camaraderie that got us...
huh? whu? Wake up now?
Oh, sorry.
If you've ever been to a community ice show, you know to bring ear plugs, because the girls don't cheer for each other. They SCREAM.
And it's a contest-- whose friend will get the loudest cheer.
I'm not too proud to admit that the year my daughter graduated she not only got the noticeably biggest cheer, she got a bigger cheer than her arch rival, whose mother I still, 4 years later, cross the street to avoid.
The reason the girls need to scream is because of the cliques.
There's always a coach with a giant roster, so her kids always get high decibels, which means the smaller cliques have to up each individual's power to match it.
There are girls who aren't really part of any clique, you will see their grandmothers drumming the benches in order to raise the volume. (And then loudly complain in the stands how "no one applauded for Suzy. These girls are so selfish." Gee, maybe if Suzy talked to other people every now and then someone would know who she is. It ain't Stars on Ice, folks, no one's applauding because of the amazing skating.)
Now here comes Synchro, really giving Popular Coach a run for her money. Popular coach may have to make sure that extended families are in the stands to increase the sound.
Then there's that girl who doesn't really hang out with the cool kids, and doesn't have a popular coach, but ties all the little guys skates, and talks to parents, and helps out with the Learn to Skate classes, and knows everyone's name. Plus, her mom is nice.
Guess who's getting the biggest cheer.
And just in case you really want to know: http://www.theapplausemeter.com/
huh? whu? Wake up now?
Oh, sorry.
If you've ever been to a community ice show, you know to bring ear plugs, because the girls don't cheer for each other. They SCREAM.
And it's a contest-- whose friend will get the loudest cheer.
I'm not too proud to admit that the year my daughter graduated she not only got the noticeably biggest cheer, she got a bigger cheer than her arch rival, whose mother I still, 4 years later, cross the street to avoid.
The reason the girls need to scream is because of the cliques.
There's always a coach with a giant roster, so her kids always get high decibels, which means the smaller cliques have to up each individual's power to match it.
There are girls who aren't really part of any clique, you will see their grandmothers drumming the benches in order to raise the volume. (And then loudly complain in the stands how "no one applauded for Suzy. These girls are so selfish." Gee, maybe if Suzy talked to other people every now and then someone would know who she is. It ain't Stars on Ice, folks, no one's applauding because of the amazing skating.)
Now here comes Synchro, really giving Popular Coach a run for her money. Popular coach may have to make sure that extended families are in the stands to increase the sound.
Then there's that girl who doesn't really hang out with the cool kids, and doesn't have a popular coach, but ties all the little guys skates, and talks to parents, and helps out with the Learn to Skate classes, and knows everyone's name. Plus, her mom is nice.
Guess who's getting the biggest cheer.
And just in case you really want to know: http://www.theapplausemeter.com/
Apr 25, 2011
Welcome to summer ice
120 skaters, 10 hours of ice daily. The form is a 3 pages long grid, including black-out dates. Literally. Here's a hilarious conversation about it from Facebook.
R (mom)-Is it just me, or are the practice ice forms even more confusing than they've been in the past? WTF, I have to do maths now? ARGH.
A- See what you get for encouraging your kid?
P (dad)-If Tuesday = (x3/y2) - 7z, and z = minutes on ice, solve for cost.
R-SHUT UP!!
P- If a skater begins lessons in March at level 1 and is in level 10 by the following February, what has cost more in that time: general lessons, private lessons, gasoline burned getting to lessons, or psychiatrist/alcohol bills for coaches dealing with skater who has been bumped up too quickly?
R-You missed the variables of cheap skates and glitter.
A-Don't forget amount spent on brownies at the snack bar.
R (mom)-Is it just me, or are the practice ice forms even more confusing than they've been in the past? WTF, I have to do maths now? ARGH.
A- See what you get for encouraging your kid?
P (dad)-If Tuesday = (x3/y2) - 7z, and z = minutes on ice, solve for cost.
R-SHUT UP!!
P- If a skater begins lessons in March at level 1 and is in level 10 by the following February, what has cost more in that time: general lessons, private lessons, gasoline burned getting to lessons, or psychiatrist/alcohol bills for coaches dealing with skater who has been bumped up too quickly?
R-You missed the variables of cheap skates and glitter.
A-Don't forget amount spent on brownies at the snack bar.
Apr 18, 2011
From the keyword search
Competition as a learning technique for 3 to 5 year olds
What, exactly, are you trying to teach them?
Where do you put US figure skating patches
Well, my daughter's are in a ziplock bag in my closet. I am absolutely convinced that someday she will thank me for saving them. (With any luck she won't find out that because trophies won't fit in ziplock bags, those have all been discarded.) But a lot of kids put them on their warm up jackets, which I think looks pretty cool.
Putting white skates on your little boy
Only do this if there are other obvious indications that it's a boy. This helps the teacher. If the question is "will kids make fun of him if he's in white skates," the answer is first, no and second if you're worried about it, get some shoe polish. If the question is actually "will white figure skates make my son gay" then please get counseling before you continue being a parent.
Establishing boundaries between coach and athlete/coach relationship student cross line/ice skating coaches that cross the line
These three were within about 10 minutes of each other. Someone needs to have a serious discussion with their coach. Also, I hope the kid is okay.
Do kids play hockey and figure skating lessons together?
Yes. It's especially useful for hockey players to take figure skating lessons, because hockey programs tend to be weak on skating skills development (they focus on rules, stick/puck handling & scoring, and speed/agility and seem to just hope that the skills develop). I just got a new student whose mom put them in hockey to help them be tougher and less skittish on the ice, which sounds good to me.
How many hours practice before you test the American Waltz skating
How good a skater are you?
Should I let my son carry on learn ice skating or not
Does he like figure skating? (See also above, "will white skates make my son gay.")
Can you skip a level in ice skating
In lessons, yes. In testing, no. You must test every level in order in both ISI and USFS.
What, exactly, are you trying to teach them?
Where do you put US figure skating patches
Well, my daughter's are in a ziplock bag in my closet. I am absolutely convinced that someday she will thank me for saving them. (With any luck she won't find out that because trophies won't fit in ziplock bags, those have all been discarded.) But a lot of kids put them on their warm up jackets, which I think looks pretty cool.
Putting white skates on your little boy
Only do this if there are other obvious indications that it's a boy. This helps the teacher. If the question is "will kids make fun of him if he's in white skates," the answer is first, no and second if you're worried about it, get some shoe polish. If the question is actually "will white figure skates make my son gay" then please get counseling before you continue being a parent.
Establishing boundaries between coach and athlete/coach relationship student cross line/ice skating coaches that cross the line
These three were within about 10 minutes of each other. Someone needs to have a serious discussion with their coach. Also, I hope the kid is okay.
Do kids play hockey and figure skating lessons together?
Yes. It's especially useful for hockey players to take figure skating lessons, because hockey programs tend to be weak on skating skills development (they focus on rules, stick/puck handling & scoring, and speed/agility and seem to just hope that the skills develop). I just got a new student whose mom put them in hockey to help them be tougher and less skittish on the ice, which sounds good to me.
How many hours practice before you test the American Waltz skating
How good a skater are you?
Should I let my son carry on learn ice skating or not
Does he like figure skating? (See also above, "will white skates make my son gay.")
Can you skip a level in ice skating
In lessons, yes. In testing, no. You must test every level in order in both ISI and USFS.
What question do you have that I can make fun of? (Oh, I'm kidding, you know I love you.)
Apr 5, 2011
Well, you're spinning, um, I guess
Here are some alternate spin positions that I have observed in class:
The Racoon
Arms folded straight up at elbows, with hands held palm out and slightly cupped directly in front of shoulders.
The Wolverine
Arms straight out to the sides, spinning as fast as possible: imagine Wolverine's adamantium claws slicing off heads as you spin.
The Zombie
Shoulders twisted, one arm up, one arm elbow out and down, hands in random claw-like position. A wild look in your eye helps this one.
Bride of Frankenstein
Arms held straight in front, with hands drooping
The Dead Fish
Arms out to sides, like the Wolverine, but hands flopping. For better effect, also bend your elbows slightly.
Oo oo call on me!
One arm over your head
The Tyrannosaurus
Arms held very bent, with hands pressed fingers down directly against chest.
Please Jesus don't let me fall
Hands palm to palm
The Spear Thrower
One arm bent as though holding a javelin, other arm stretched out to side
I'll just wait here while you spin
Arms straight out from shoulders, but bent elbows hanging down (as though leaning against something about chest high)
Let's see how dizzy I can get
Head tipped back so you can watch the ceiling (alternate version: eyes closed)
I love myself the best
Arms wrapping as far around body as possible
X-rated
Don't ask
The Racoon
Arms folded straight up at elbows, with hands held palm out and slightly cupped directly in front of shoulders.
The Wolverine
Arms straight out to the sides, spinning as fast as possible: imagine Wolverine's adamantium claws slicing off heads as you spin.
The Zombie
Shoulders twisted, one arm up, one arm elbow out and down, hands in random claw-like position. A wild look in your eye helps this one.
Bride of Frankenstein
Arms held straight in front, with hands drooping
The Dead Fish
Arms out to sides, like the Wolverine, but hands flopping. For better effect, also bend your elbows slightly.
Oo oo call on me!
One arm over your head
The Tyrannosaurus
Arms held very bent, with hands pressed fingers down directly against chest.
Please Jesus don't let me fall
Hands palm to palm
The Spear Thrower
One arm bent as though holding a javelin, other arm stretched out to side
I'll just wait here while you spin
Arms straight out from shoulders, but bent elbows hanging down (as though leaning against something about chest high)
Let's see how dizzy I can get
Head tipped back so you can watch the ceiling (alternate version: eyes closed)
I love myself the best
Arms wrapping as far around body as possible
X-rated
Don't ask
Mar 18, 2011
Get over it
The ice schedule was passed down from the mountain and is not going to change.
You won't get better if you don't practice.
Pretty much everyone gets the axel eventually. Showing up for lessons and practice might help.
There's this thing called the internet where skating rinks post all kinds of useful information, like that form you claim you never got.
Falling hurts.
She's not going to be competing at the Olympics. Not in figure skating, anyway.
Children will get pissy if you let them. If I don't let them, it's because I'm a good coach, not because I'm a bad person.
Your skater is not more important than my skater.
It's not your imagination. That other kid is better than your kid.
Shut up and pay the bill.
Your coach is fine. If he isn't, don't complain about him to all and sundry, just for god's sake get a new coach. I frankly am not interested in the reason.
If you skip a level it will catch up with you eventually.
Repeating Beta will not affect your child's chance of getting into Harvard.
The specialty figure skate store knows more about skates than your grandfather, unless your grandfather is Don Jackson.
If you got good gossip about Other Mom from Mom Who Knows Everything, you can take it to the bank that Other Mom got some good gossip about you.
You're right: it totally sucks that that other kid got passed and your kid did not, even though your kid is a better skater.
If your child is falling way way more often than the other kids in class, it's not because it's slippery, or that she's trying harder things, or that the coach is not paying attention, it's because she has a possible neurological condition and needs to be evaluated by a medical professional.
In non-qualifying competitions, there is an inverse relationship between the cost of the costume and the talent of the child.
There is no correlation between the cost of your car and the talent of your child.
You won't get better if you don't practice.
Pretty much everyone gets the axel eventually. Showing up for lessons and practice might help.
There's this thing called the internet where skating rinks post all kinds of useful information, like that form you claim you never got.
Falling hurts.
She's not going to be competing at the Olympics. Not in figure skating, anyway.
Children will get pissy if you let them. If I don't let them, it's because I'm a good coach, not because I'm a bad person.
Your skater is not more important than my skater.
It's not your imagination. That other kid is better than your kid.
Shut up and pay the bill.
Your coach is fine. If he isn't, don't complain about him to all and sundry, just for god's sake get a new coach. I frankly am not interested in the reason.
If you skip a level it will catch up with you eventually.
Repeating Beta will not affect your child's chance of getting into Harvard.
The specialty figure skate store knows more about skates than your grandfather, unless your grandfather is Don Jackson.
If you got good gossip about Other Mom from Mom Who Knows Everything, you can take it to the bank that Other Mom got some good gossip about you.
You're right: it totally sucks that that other kid got passed and your kid did not, even though your kid is a better skater.
If your child is falling way way more often than the other kids in class, it's not because it's slippery, or that she's trying harder things, or that the coach is not paying attention, it's because she has a possible neurological condition and needs to be evaluated by a medical professional.
In non-qualifying competitions, there is an inverse relationship between the cost of the costume and the talent of the child.
There is no correlation between the cost of your car and the talent of your child.
Jan 27, 2011
Brain Sprain
After stepping into a pothole and badly spraining my ankle, I spent the week teaching 8-year-old beta and gamma students from the boards.
Now, teaching from the boards is standard operating procedure for free style, even low free style. Many coaches put on their skates anyway, but many don't, even for very young skaters. But my skating director told me, don't worry about it, we don't want you losing income any more than you want to (at least 4 weeks no skates), so just do the best you can.
So, Gamma from the boards.
Yesterday I was sandwich coach-- moms on the benches behind me in stitches over my antics, kids on the ice in front me with vacant eyes. "Sweetie, I want you to skate to the blue line, do the turn then STAY BACKWARDS. Just glide backwards back towards me." Child looks at me as though to say, I want to do what you're asking, Coach Xan, but I don't speak Chinese.
"Look toward the lobby" Child looks at me, in exactly the opposite direction of the lobby.
"No, look toward the lobby." Child obediently looks toward the lobby, then looks back at me to make sure she was doing it right.
"That's right, the lobby. Don't look over here, look towards the lobby then skate towards the lobby." Child looks towards the lobby, then skates in the opposite direction, still looking towards the lobby. Unfortunately, there's another child in the way, who is looking directly at the first one, but gets crashed into and knocked over anyway, because apparently she thinks her super power is You Can Skate Right Through Me Girl.
Clearly I need a demonstrator. "Who can do this mohawk?" I ask. Five hands shoot into the air. Okay, El, show us the mohawk (I have seen El do a mohawk, so I know that this is at least a possibility. "OK!" Big Smile. Stands at the circle. Looks at me. Thinks a minute. Looks at me. Looks around.
"What's a mohawk again?"
I explain it. El tries. Pretty decent. "Okay, that's what we're doing-- mohawks. I need 4 people on the red line and 4 people on the blue line. Everybody right T push, we're going to do right mohawks. Miraculously everyone figures out their right foot without too much drama, and then 7 of the 9 push onto the outside edge.
"No-- people on the blue line, you're going to do a half circle towards the wall, people on the red line, you're going to do your half circles towards the lobby."
This apparently does not compute; for some reason they all decide to switch lines, except S, who has taken eternal ownership of the goal line and will not move, probably ever. They all finally reorganize themselves and instantly go onto the wrong edge again. Okay, let's move from skating mode to vocabulary mode.
"What three things do you need to know about your skating?"
Forward and Backward! everyone shouts. oKAY-they've been listening. "What else?"
"Shoot the Duck!" someone says. Yay! Now we all want to do shoot the duck. If only there was an Olympics for shoot the duck, Robert Crown Center would win, because this is all anyone wants to work on.
We finally establish that I'm trying to get them to say Inside-Outside and Left or Right and that left and right is hard and I don't care that much if they know that at this point. So what's harder of Inside-Outside or Forwards-Backwards? I ask.
The consensus is that it's harder to tell if you're going forwards or backwards. They can't tell. This explains a LOT.
Okay, everyone, we're going to make a big circle, like we do every week. No one moves. "I can't be part of the circle, because I don't have skates today because of my hurt foot." Now everyone has to give me hugs and tell me they hope I feel better soon. Okay, you guys are the best, now every make a big circle and skate around, we're going to do inside and outside edges. Two children skate around a circle--okay everyone follow them, that's right!
The other 7 skate in 7 random directions, apparently eager to test You Can Skate Right Through Me Girl's super power.
The moms behind me by now are laughing so hard they are gasping for air.
"I have an idea!" I say. "Let's do Shoot the Duck!
Now, teaching from the boards is standard operating procedure for free style, even low free style. Many coaches put on their skates anyway, but many don't, even for very young skaters. But my skating director told me, don't worry about it, we don't want you losing income any more than you want to (at least 4 weeks no skates), so just do the best you can.
So, Gamma from the boards.
Yesterday I was sandwich coach-- moms on the benches behind me in stitches over my antics, kids on the ice in front me with vacant eyes. "Sweetie, I want you to skate to the blue line, do the turn then STAY BACKWARDS. Just glide backwards back towards me." Child looks at me as though to say, I want to do what you're asking, Coach Xan, but I don't speak Chinese.
"Look toward the lobby" Child looks at me, in exactly the opposite direction of the lobby.
"No, look toward the lobby." Child obediently looks toward the lobby, then looks back at me to make sure she was doing it right.
"That's right, the lobby. Don't look over here, look towards the lobby then skate towards the lobby." Child looks towards the lobby, then skates in the opposite direction, still looking towards the lobby. Unfortunately, there's another child in the way, who is looking directly at the first one, but gets crashed into and knocked over anyway, because apparently she thinks her super power is You Can Skate Right Through Me Girl.
Clearly I need a demonstrator. "Who can do this mohawk?" I ask. Five hands shoot into the air. Okay, El, show us the mohawk (I have seen El do a mohawk, so I know that this is at least a possibility. "OK!" Big Smile. Stands at the circle. Looks at me. Thinks a minute. Looks at me. Looks around.
"What's a mohawk again?"
I explain it. El tries. Pretty decent. "Okay, that's what we're doing-- mohawks. I need 4 people on the red line and 4 people on the blue line. Everybody right T push, we're going to do right mohawks. Miraculously everyone figures out their right foot without too much drama, and then 7 of the 9 push onto the outside edge.
"No-- people on the blue line, you're going to do a half circle towards the wall, people on the red line, you're going to do your half circles towards the lobby."
This apparently does not compute; for some reason they all decide to switch lines, except S, who has taken eternal ownership of the goal line and will not move, probably ever. They all finally reorganize themselves and instantly go onto the wrong edge again. Okay, let's move from skating mode to vocabulary mode.
"What three things do you need to know about your skating?"
Forward and Backward! everyone shouts. oKAY-they've been listening. "What else?"
"Shoot the Duck!" someone says. Yay! Now we all want to do shoot the duck. If only there was an Olympics for shoot the duck, Robert Crown Center would win, because this is all anyone wants to work on.
We finally establish that I'm trying to get them to say Inside-Outside and Left or Right and that left and right is hard and I don't care that much if they know that at this point. So what's harder of Inside-Outside or Forwards-Backwards? I ask.
The consensus is that it's harder to tell if you're going forwards or backwards. They can't tell. This explains a LOT.
Okay, everyone, we're going to make a big circle, like we do every week. No one moves. "I can't be part of the circle, because I don't have skates today because of my hurt foot." Now everyone has to give me hugs and tell me they hope I feel better soon. Okay, you guys are the best, now every make a big circle and skate around, we're going to do inside and outside edges. Two children skate around a circle--okay everyone follow them, that's right!
The other 7 skate in 7 random directions, apparently eager to test You Can Skate Right Through Me Girl's super power.
The moms behind me by now are laughing so hard they are gasping for air.
"I have an idea!" I say. "Let's do Shoot the Duck!
Dec 27, 2010
Skating mothers I have known and loved
The Scottish Play
Just as actors must never utter word "MacBeth," you should never invoke the name of this mother, to dampen her power. This mother will move through the stands from mom to mom, like a bacterium infecting as many cells as she can reach, trashing the skater, the partner, the coach, the judge, the costume, or whatever she thinks she can get away with trashing. Every male skater should be skating with her daughter instead of that slut/import/no-talent/idiot.
She will keep this up even after her daughter is done with skating. No, not done with the session--Done. With skating. Gone. Like, to college.
The Skating Mom Who Will Haunt Your Dreams
This woman is the one who so traumatizes neophyte skaters and moms that they take up lacemaking instead. Every accomplishment your skater makes, her skater did "last year." She'll tell you, just before your daughter goes on the ice to secure her spot at Nationals that "you have no idea what you're getting into" but "don't worry, it's not like she's really a national-level skater because the field is so weak."
She will never leave the Club leadership. She will be there until she's old and gray. After her skater has grown, married, and moved to another state.
What she doesn't know is all the dirt everyone has on her from her daughter's former coach.
The Practice Ice Monitor from Hell
You know her. She screams incomprehensible instructions into the mike, or from the door, ignores music call protocols, and allows her daughter to break the rules with impunity, while immediately calling the police on everyone else for the mildest infraction. Do not try to get past her without turning in your coupon or signing the check-in sheet.
"I Built Costumes for La Scala"
So if the one I made for you doesn't fit, that is clearly a problem with your body.
My Daughter Can Do No Wrong
Getting drunk at dress rehearsal? Someone else's fault. (Zero tolerance? What's zero tolerance? That's for kids with no talent.) Spreading career-ending rumors about a coach? Youthful hi-jinx. Even the daughter landing in jail instead of college will not diminish this woman's conviction (haha) or her daughter's that another skater somehow set the whole ball rolling by friending her on Facebook, just to spy.
I'm Not One of THOSE Mothers
Yes. Yes you are. You are shouting instructions from the door, complaining to the monitor that no one is watching out for Princess, stealing soakers from competitors bags or ripping dresses, trashing the moms/skaters who missed the session to the ones who are there (and then trashing THEM in turn), signing your daughter up for the prestige club in Sugarland even though you live in Duluth, scotching the rink's shot at being featured in a national ad campaign because you're afraid "it will hurt Princess' eligibility" (mind you, Princess is 6 and has not competed yet, nor is she actually featured in the campaign) and letting the mayor know what solo you expect Princess to have in the ice show for the next 4 years, or you're pulling your campaign contribution.
Just as actors must never utter word "MacBeth," you should never invoke the name of this mother, to dampen her power. This mother will move through the stands from mom to mom, like a bacterium infecting as many cells as she can reach, trashing the skater, the partner, the coach, the judge, the costume, or whatever she thinks she can get away with trashing. Every male skater should be skating with her daughter instead of that slut/import/no-talent/idiot.
She will keep this up even after her daughter is done with skating. No, not done with the session--Done. With skating. Gone. Like, to college.
The Skating Mom Who Will Haunt Your Dreams
This woman is the one who so traumatizes neophyte skaters and moms that they take up lacemaking instead. Every accomplishment your skater makes, her skater did "last year." She'll tell you, just before your daughter goes on the ice to secure her spot at Nationals that "you have no idea what you're getting into" but "don't worry, it's not like she's really a national-level skater because the field is so weak."
She will never leave the Club leadership. She will be there until she's old and gray. After her skater has grown, married, and moved to another state.
What she doesn't know is all the dirt everyone has on her from her daughter's former coach.
The Practice Ice Monitor from Hell
You know her. She screams incomprehensible instructions into the mike, or from the door, ignores music call protocols, and allows her daughter to break the rules with impunity, while immediately calling the police on everyone else for the mildest infraction. Do not try to get past her without turning in your coupon or signing the check-in sheet.
"I Built Costumes for La Scala"
So if the one I made for you doesn't fit, that is clearly a problem with your body.
My Daughter Can Do No Wrong
Getting drunk at dress rehearsal? Someone else's fault. (Zero tolerance? What's zero tolerance? That's for kids with no talent.) Spreading career-ending rumors about a coach? Youthful hi-jinx. Even the daughter landing in jail instead of college will not diminish this woman's conviction (haha) or her daughter's that another skater somehow set the whole ball rolling by friending her on Facebook, just to spy.
I'm Not One of THOSE Mothers
Yes. Yes you are. You are shouting instructions from the door, complaining to the monitor that no one is watching out for Princess, stealing soakers from competitors bags or ripping dresses, trashing the moms/skaters who missed the session to the ones who are there (and then trashing THEM in turn), signing your daughter up for the prestige club in Sugarland even though you live in Duluth, scotching the rink's shot at being featured in a national ad campaign because you're afraid "it will hurt Princess' eligibility" (mind you, Princess is 6 and has not competed yet, nor is she actually featured in the campaign) and letting the mayor know what solo you expect Princess to have in the ice show for the next 4 years, or you're pulling your campaign contribution.
Who haunts your dreams?
Dec 10, 2010
If someone says there's bad "chi", then there's bad "chi"
It all started with one of the pros going all skating mom on the poor photographer's assistant. (Um, if they say that was me, don't listen to them, they have no idea what they are taking about.)
The lighting guys used too many headset channels, leaving one station with no way to communicate. (Maybe semaphore?)
Freestyle 1 girls had been practicing to the wrong music. So had the Polchinelles. For 6 weeks.
Turned out the tot helpers couldn't help, because then they didn't have time to set up for their own number. (Tots however, were awesome, inasmuch as they made it off before their music ended. This may be a first for a dress rehearsal.)
A record 12 groups had to do reskates.
Not one of the scheduled dressing room volunteers actually showed up on time.
Oh, the bad chi? The flower service had hung stars over the office entrance so that the points were aimed straight down at anyone standing at the window, or entering the door. In feng shui they call these "poison arrows" and they concentrate bad chi energy. When I saw it on Wednesday I told him he was going to have to change them.
Always listen to your Xanboni.
The lighting guys used too many headset channels, leaving one station with no way to communicate. (Maybe semaphore?)
Freestyle 1 girls had been practicing to the wrong music. So had the Polchinelles. For 6 weeks.
Turned out the tot helpers couldn't help, because then they didn't have time to set up for their own number. (Tots however, were awesome, inasmuch as they made it off before their music ended. This may be a first for a dress rehearsal.)
A record 12 groups had to do reskates.
Not one of the scheduled dressing room volunteers actually showed up on time.
Oh, the bad chi? The flower service had hung stars over the office entrance so that the points were aimed straight down at anyone standing at the window, or entering the door. In feng shui they call these "poison arrows" and they concentrate bad chi energy. When I saw it on Wednesday I told him he was going to have to change them.
Always listen to your Xanboni.
May 20, 2010
The show always brings out the weirdness
I teach a girl with a cognitive disability, and am skating the group ice show number with her. Earilier this week I had this dream:
UPDATE: The actual show went pretty much like the dream. Backstage, all the kids were making weird sounds, and stomping their feet, and waving their hands around. On ice, Miss E went to all the right places, even when the other skaters did not. I just had to laugh. How do you tell again which six-year-old has the disability?
We're waiting to go on at the show, and I look down and realize that Miss E is wearing speed skates (yellow speed skates, for the record). I know this can't be right, so we race back to the dressing room, which for some reason is in another building, to change her skates. Miss E thinks this is hilarious, and really fun, because we run so fast in our skates.Miss E's psychologist mom tells me I'm feeling anxiety over the show, but am confident that Miss E and I, at least, know what we're doing. Theoretically.
I put on her regular skates, but the laces keep getting messed up. Finally, they're on, and we're back at the show, where the last little girl in front of her has just gotten on the ice, so no one can tell that we were late. I look down, and realize that Miss E is only wearing one skate; the other one is in my hand.
There is no way we're going to get on the ice in time.
At this point I realize, "hey! this is a dream! I can just make this happen." So I think, let's pretend that I actually got Miss E's skates ON and we can skate. This happens, and we get out just as they're starting their circle, so we're just a little late. Then there's a place where apparently, in the dream choreography, everyone is supposed to get off the ice, pick up a toy, and get back on the ice. Only Miss E and I remember to do this. The rest of the girls are just milling around on the ice (NB: this was approximately what the rehearsal was like because they changed the choreography and it was 25 seven year-old girls completely at sea). Miss E thinks that she and I can go back to the room, get ALL the toys and save the day. So we go back to the room, but the toys aren't there, because my friend Rachel, who has nothing to do with the rink, (this made perfect sense in the dream), put them in a different room, and none of the regular coaches are around.
At this point, they stop the show and tell everyone in the show that we're going to have free time while they find the toys.
Then the dream morphed into Jason Bourne, which I had been watching the night before. Fortunately Miss E was not along for that part.
UPDATE: The actual show went pretty much like the dream. Backstage, all the kids were making weird sounds, and stomping their feet, and waving their hands around. On ice, Miss E went to all the right places, even when the other skaters did not. I just had to laugh. How do you tell again which six-year-old has the disability?
Mar 12, 2010
How to become a Skater Mom (or dad)
Step One
Have a child who is obsessed with skating. If your child is not cooperating with the skating obsession, start bribing her with sparkly dresses. (This also works with boys, but dad has to be a really understanding sort.)
What is "obsessed?" Wants to skate more often than you want to take her. Doesn't mind (much) getting up at 5 a.m. to skate. Is willing to forgo social opportunities to skate. Knows what a closed choctaw is. Voluntarily does cardio workouts. Likes the coach better than she likes you. SEES the coach more than she sees you.
Steps Two through Infinity
Send daily emails to the coach, questioning her progress and wondering why that other girl is going to Regionals when she has not been skating as long as your child. Tell that child's mother that she has no idea what she is getting into. Call up local judges and ask them to come observe your child, without letting the coach know you've done this. Send a press release to your local newspaper when she wins the rink's ISI competition. Change coaches every six months, so you can find the "perfect" one. Invite out of town coaches to come work with your child (without informing your coach). Have loud fights with the coach in the lobby. Only talk to parents of your coach's kids unless you have something nasty to say about them, then say it to parents of the other coaches' kids. Walk around to the back of the boards during practice ice, so you can "monitor the lesson." Come to the rink with her every time she skates, even if she's twenty. Stand in the door yelling at your child during practice. Buy those skates with the colored blades. Alternately, buy K-picks for your FS 4 skater. Get custom-made practice dresses. If you're the ice monitor, always place your skater's music at the top of the queue. Wonder, to anyone who will listen, why your skater always gets the worst ice show solo. (And don't forget to complain about the costume.) If someone else gets a good solo, be sure to mention that your skater had that solo LAST year.
Any more? Obsessed Skater Moms, please add to my list!
Update from Ice Mom: talk very loudly about how smart your kid is and how the kid should be in a more advanced skating level because she's such a good reader. (More from Ice Mom in the comments)
Update from Beth M: tell your daughter to quit standing still and listening to the coach. Why? Because kid needed to practice!
Have a child who is obsessed with skating. If your child is not cooperating with the skating obsession, start bribing her with sparkly dresses. (This also works with boys, but dad has to be a really understanding sort.)
What is "obsessed?" Wants to skate more often than you want to take her. Doesn't mind (much) getting up at 5 a.m. to skate. Is willing to forgo social opportunities to skate. Knows what a closed choctaw is. Voluntarily does cardio workouts. Likes the coach better than she likes you. SEES the coach more than she sees you.
Steps Two through Infinity
Send daily emails to the coach, questioning her progress and wondering why that other girl is going to Regionals when she has not been skating as long as your child. Tell that child's mother that she has no idea what she is getting into. Call up local judges and ask them to come observe your child, without letting the coach know you've done this. Send a press release to your local newspaper when she wins the rink's ISI competition. Change coaches every six months, so you can find the "perfect" one. Invite out of town coaches to come work with your child (without informing your coach). Have loud fights with the coach in the lobby. Only talk to parents of your coach's kids unless you have something nasty to say about them, then say it to parents of the other coaches' kids. Walk around to the back of the boards during practice ice, so you can "monitor the lesson." Come to the rink with her every time she skates, even if she's twenty. Stand in the door yelling at your child during practice. Buy those skates with the colored blades. Alternately, buy K-picks for your FS 4 skater. Get custom-made practice dresses. If you're the ice monitor, always place your skater's music at the top of the queue. Wonder, to anyone who will listen, why your skater always gets the worst ice show solo. (And don't forget to complain about the costume.) If someone else gets a good solo, be sure to mention that your skater had that solo LAST year.
Any more? Obsessed Skater Moms, please add to my list!
Update from Ice Mom: talk very loudly about how smart your kid is and how the kid should be in a more advanced skating level because she's such a good reader. (More from Ice Mom in the comments)
Update from Beth M: tell your daughter to quit standing still and listening to the coach. Why? Because kid needed to practice!
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