Dec 27, 2010

Skating mothers I have known and loved

The Scottish Play
Just as actors must never utter word "MacBeth," you should never invoke the name of this mother, to dampen her power. This mother will move through the stands from mom to mom, like a bacterium infecting as many cells as she can reach, trashing the skater, the partner, the coach, the judge, the costume, or whatever she thinks she can get away with trashing. Every male skater should be skating with her daughter instead of that slut/import/no-talent/idiot.

She will keep this up even after her daughter is done with skating. No, not done with the session--Done. With skating. Gone. Like, to college.

The Skating Mom Who Will Haunt Your Dreams
This woman is the one who so traumatizes neophyte skaters and moms that they take up lacemaking instead. Every accomplishment your skater makes, her skater did "last year." She'll tell you, just before your daughter goes on the ice to secure her spot at Nationals that "you have no idea what you're getting into" but "don't worry, it's not like she's really a national-level skater because the field is so weak."

She will never leave the Club leadership. She will be there until she's old and gray. After her skater has grown, married, and moved to another state.

What she doesn't know is all the dirt everyone has on her from her daughter's former coach.

The Practice Ice Monitor from Hell
You know her. She screams incomprehensible instructions into the mike, or from the door, ignores music call protocols, and allows her daughter to break the rules with impunity, while immediately calling the police on everyone else for the mildest infraction. Do not try to get past her without turning in your coupon or signing the check-in sheet.

"I Built Costumes for La Scala"

So if the one I made for you doesn't fit, that is clearly a problem with your body.

My Daughter Can Do No Wrong
Getting drunk at dress rehearsal? Someone else's fault. (Zero tolerance? What's zero tolerance? That's for kids with no talent.) Spreading career-ending rumors about a coach? Youthful hi-jinx. Even the daughter landing in jail instead of college will not diminish this woman's conviction (haha) or her daughter's that another skater somehow set the whole ball rolling by friending her on Facebook, just to spy.

I'm Not One of THOSE Mothers
Yes. Yes you are. You are shouting instructions from the door, complaining to the monitor that no one is watching out for Princess, stealing soakers from competitors bags or ripping dresses, trashing the moms/skaters who missed the session to the ones who are there (and then trashing THEM in turn), signing your daughter up for the prestige club in Sugarland even though you live in Duluth, scotching the rink's shot at being featured in a national ad campaign because you're afraid "it will hurt Princess' eligibility" (mind you, Princess is 6 and has not competed yet, nor is she actually featured in the campaign) and letting the mayor know what solo you expect Princess to have in the ice show for the next 4 years, or you're pulling your campaign contribution.

Who haunts your dreams?


  1. Where do I start?! LOL

  2. "Getting drunk at dress rehearsal" Are you f-ing kidding me?

  3. Adult skaters rock :) We don't bring our mothers!

  4. How about....... the attitude that if you are not going to the olympics you should not be on the ice. These moms always know their snowflake is going to be olympic champion too, and never even notice the 20 or so other crazy moms that say the same thing. My rink is infested with them. I feel so bad for these kids. I think part of the problem is moms never growing up. I have heard slut used disturbingly toward young girls waaay to much. Yes, 40 something woman, that 11 year old girl is so totally a slut. You tell her!
    I also had one lady flat out tell me no one over 18 should be skating. So everybody stop now, no fun allowed.

  5. How about "No one from this rink ever goes to Nationals so don't even try. We just don't have that kind of coaching staff and you just don't have that kind of money."

    Well, maybe so. But I'm calling you The Sour Grapes Mom, anyway.

  6. @orangechiffon - No one over 18 should be skating? What is this, Logan's Skate?

  7. I love it when skating parent stands in the entryway to the rink to facilitate giving instruction to the coach. I yell 'excuse me' and make sure to throw an elbow.

  8. The standing in the doorway, especially during class, is parents' subtle little way of letting the coach know that she is paying too little attention to the most important person in the class, namely their own child, who might DROWN if they do not get your immediate and exclusive attention.

  9. How about the Mom who forgot to take her meds that day? The one who pounded the glass like a gorilla then rushed out to rinkside and began screaming at her kid?