Just not getting there

There comes a point in the lives of young athletes where, after another year of investment in time, work and cash money, the child just doesn't seem to be fulfilling whatever potential people keep saying they see in her.

It's hardest for skaters, where the dream of the big time is a realistic one. Unlike, say, basketball players, where getting to the NBA is vanishingly rare, in skating, recognizable achievement on a national level happens to skaters at every single rink. Everyone who stays in skating knows national competitors. It's a small field and yes, your talented kid has a legitimate shot.

Parents of talented skaters often get to that place where they wonder if they're being strung along. A skater who trains and trains but never makes it out of final round...well, it's an awfully expensive hobby for a 14 year old.

So how do you know when you're just not going to get there, or, even more to the point, where "there" even is?

"She's a nice skater, but be reasonable." 
Don't you just wish someone would say this sometimes? But if your skater is just a nice-skater-but-be-reasonable the coach is not going to suggest s/he go to Regionals year after year. This is because bringing an unprepared or unqualified skater to Regionals reflects on the coach as much as on the skater. Just as you are there to get your skater a prize, the coach is there to show how good her skaters are. So, in fact, if your skater is not a potentially national-level skater, the coach is going to say this.

Waiting for the breakthrough
Every kid will have one. For some of them, it's the double axel. For others it's "whoah I hate competing! How about if I test out!"  If you're waiting for a breatkthrough, make sure you recognize it when it comes.

Step it back
Three or four competitions a year is plenty for a child at the Regionals or even Sectionals level. One maybe two serious Club competitions, Regionals and/or Sectionals,  one or two no-name local comps to try out the choreo or the new jump. If your coach is taking your also-ran to more competitions than this, you're competing too much. Remember that training for competition takes time away from solidifying the skills. Counterintuitively, you're not going to get better at competition, if all you ever train for is competing. Some of the training has to be open ended just to work on skills.

Who can advise me?

Many clubs arrange for judges to critique their kids just before competitions, but your coach can also arrange one-on-ones just for her kids, or just for one kid-- your kid. Tell the coach you really want to hear the low-down from a judge in a non-stress situation, from someone with nothing invested in the child, either financially or emotionally. Remember that both coach and parent are emotionally and financially invested in the child. It's important to be clear that you have no problem with this, but feel an objective assessment would help everyone.

Caveat-- do not set up a judge critique on your own. This is a Skating Parent Cardinal Sin. You can initiate the process by asking the coach to set it up. You May Not Contact The Judge Yourself. (I mean it.)

What does the skater want to do?

Sometimes you have to let kids make bad choices. If the skater balks at competing, and her training attitude reflects that, then stop competing. Maybe she'll come back to it, maybe she'll move on, maybe she'll really regret it at 25.  But in the end, it's just skating. If she quits, life goes on.

And sometimes, they make amazing, mature choices and turn themselves around.

How have you or your skater handled this conundrum? Let's hear from some older skaters at Novice or above who had to make such a choice.

All this work and you still suck, maybe you need a new coach.

Or maybe not.

But something isn't working. How do you figure out what it is?

The single biggest reason that skaters don't improve is that they don't do what the coach is telling them to do. With kids this will be about skating more, and using practice time effectively. With adults and older teens who are "stuck" it's even more basic; these skaters are often afraid to do motions that the coach is asking for-- it feels wrong (you want me to turn my shoulders how?) and they always have excuses (here are some of the ones I myself used yesterday-- "I was injured, I used to be able to do that, I haven't skated in a class in years, I've never been able to do that, I'm afraid").

While there are many good reasons to switch coaches, your own lack of progress is seldom one of them (although not never, read on!). Here are some things to do when faced with this situation:

Listen to the coach
If the coach is telling you that you need to do A to get to B, then you Have To Do A. This means if she says "more speed or you won't be able to do this skill" believe it. If she says your hip isn't open enough, then your hip isn't open enough. You cannot blame the coach for your lack of progress if you're refusing to do the basics that lead to that skill.

Listening to the coach will also help you understand if the problem is that the coach is not listening to you. If you are having trouble with a specific skill, and all the coach keeps saying is "lift your free hip" over and over, then there are two things going on: first, you're not lifting your free hip, but second, the coach is not giving you the information you need to understand what that means. A coach who's trying to help you get the skill will find multiple ways to say the same thing. A coach who has written you off, or checked out, will just say the same thing over and over.

Do what the coach is asking, even when the coach isn't there
This might mean writing down the coach's criticism, word for word.

Practice with a friend
You'll tend to skate better if you feel like you're a little on the spot.

Ask the coach why you aren't progressing
My guess is the coach will look at you like you're crazy, because you probably are progressing more than you think you are. But if you feel this way, the coach deserves to know. Maybe because you've been holding back, he's been holding back. Maybe he's been focusing too much on a skill that's difficult for you, out of both his own and your frustration with the skill. Talking to him about it may help him find a new way to teach it, or may help him think of something to teach you that you'll pick up quickly and build your confidence.

Take video of your lessons and practices
You'll notice two things-- you look terrible, and you look great. First, video always demonstrates that you don't look the way you think you look. You aren't 19 anymore. But you'll also see that in fact you're doing the skills that you think you can't do. It will also help you see what the coach sees. In three months, tape the same moves again. Compare them; have you actually progressed after all?

Parents--ask for progress reports
Ask the coach for a regular time to talk about your skater when there's no time pressure, and the skater can't hear you. Use your judgment as to whether to share the content or even the existence of these conversations with your skater.

For girls who stop progressing
Do some unannounced drop ins on the coaching sessions. I hate to say it, but girls will respond to inappropriate touching, suggestive language, bullying, or emotional abuse by withdrawing emotionally.  I would like to emphasize that it might not be the coach, even if the coach is the one getting the brunt of the reaction. It might be others in the skating "family"-- monitors, other skaters, even other coaches, the management. Bullying was an enormous problem at the Ice Rink of the Damned while my daughter was growing up there. I also feel very strongly that if a child says that they don't want to skate with Coach A anymore, you should listen. No point in paying a coach that your child dislikes.

So now you've concluded that it isn't, or isn't entirely the coach's fault. I'd give it another 4 months before making a change. Let the coach know that you're frustrated (or your skater is frustrated), but you want to make it work. Get "specialty" lessons in the problem skill from a second coach which the primary coach recommends. If after four months of honest effort on both parts, then maybe make a change, with the original coach's help. I cannot be the only coach who places her students when they want to change.

Here's "St. Lidwina" on reasons not to leave a coach.

Have you ever "saved" a coaching relationship?

Don't think about elephants

Ah, The Dreaded Axel. (cue ominous music).

There seem to be more tricks and angles to teaching axels than anything except the mohawk. Like the mohawk, the complexity of the skill takes it to a new level. Both of these are skills that break with the basics before them; they are watershed skills. But where the mohawk is a basic skill that emulates natural positions, there's nothing terribly natural about axels. You are making your body do something new with this jump.

The biggest impediment to quickly mastering this skill, however, is not its physical aspects. It's the mental aspect. Even really talented skaters can take months to master this skill; some of the best skaters I know took more than a year.

And once you've been working on this jump for one or two...or three...or four...OR MORE SESSIONS AAAARRGGGHHH, it takes on mythic qualities. It consumes the skater and her mother, and they start to assume that everyone is watching, that everyone is talking about how Suzie is NEVER going to get that axel, she might as well switch to ice dance.

Or chess.

Or move to a dessert island in shame.

Truthfully, no one is talking about you, and in fact if you keep your mouth shut, no one has noticed that you've been in Freestyle 5 for 3 sessions. It's important to remember that the axel is not the only thing in skating, and that literally everyone who keeps working on it does in fact eventually land it. This happens on the principal that if someone can do it, it's possible, and if it's possible, you can do it.

It's also vital that the axel not be the goal. You can do plenty in skating without an axel. You can compete "up" in USFS nonqualifying competition-- you won't have that Preliminary test, but you can compete at Prelim without it. ISI now has the Open Freeskate levels and mixed level Artistic events so that you can use your solid Freestyle 5 elements in competition without the axel. And yes, there's ice dance, and synchro, and Moves tests (which you can move through independently of freeskating tests).

Here's what you cannot do: you cannot insist that an entire program or ice show be changed in order to accommodate your skater, who only wants to skate once a week, because she can't get the axel. You can't complain about the "gift" or "pity" passes that other skaters got, when your skater's axel is better than theirs (it's not, trust me). No one's giving anybody pity passes.

You can't switch around from coach to coach looking for the one with the magic wand. Again, trust me, they are all telling your skater the same thing.

And mostly, you cannot invest this jump with all-consuming importance. Believe me, I've been there. It was during the axel-hunt (we're talking 2 1/2 years, from a skater who ended up as a professional show skater) that my daughter banned me from the rink-- wouldn't skate if I was watching. She took ownership, got rid of my noise and anxiety, and finally nailed that jump. Thank god for the wisdom of 10-year-olds.

You will get through this. Your skater will land that axel. Stop worrying about it. I mean that literally.