Skating school exhibitions that don't make you want to poke your eyes out

Anyone ever been to a 3-hour skating school exhibition?

How about an 8-hour one, where your skater is at 10:30, her best friend is at 11:15, her synchro team is at 1:30, her tot class is at 3 and her best-friends-group is at 6:30. So you have to sit there all day, because heaven-forbid you should miss a single precious moment.

How about the ones that front-load the tots and beginners, and lump all the high level skaters who can actually skate in a single flight starting at 9 p.m., so that the only people left in the stands are the other skaters (even the parents have gone home, let alone the little kids).

It's time for a revolution.

First, if your exhibition goes 2 hours or under, suck it up and sit through the whole thing-- the kids deserve an audience, even the tot who just sits on the ice and cries (there's always one). Personally, I think that "free" exhibitions should have a refundable ticket fee-- but it only gets refunded if you stay through the whole thing. If you come late or leave early, you've just made a donation to the rink.

If your exhibition lasts more than 2 hours, it's time for some creative thinking, because even with a refundable fee, no one is going to sit through three hours of alpha level skaters performing to "Let It Go".

An exhibition can be made interesting, like anything else, by mixing it up. Make sure each flight (defined however you want-- by number of skaters, or by time), has a nice range of skating, and no repeated music. For instance, segments  of 15 (two warm ups), with at least 2 high level skaters and one or two group numbers in each flight to guarantee audience and give people something to watch. Then people can choose which hour to attend. 

Put in some tots, both solo and group, in each flight for the awwww factor.

Make sure there are boys. If you don't have any boys, invite a hockey team to demonstrate drills, or speed skaters to stage a race. (Do this even if you do have boys.) 

If you've got Special Skaters, give them a spot as well.

Finish each couple of flights with a local star, to entice people to come, and to stay. And by star, I mean someone that non-affiliated people would want to see-- the kid who made it to Senior Nationals; the coach who is a former international medalist (if s/he's still skating), the award-winning synchro team. The definition of "star" should be decided by the skating staff, or else every coach is going to want their own "star" to be the "star" even if they're not a "star" and no one cares to see them any more than they want to watch the tots cry.

If you've got a small unusual program-- theater on ice, special disciplines like pairs or ice dance, make sure you highlight them, as well. These kids don't get a lot of credit, and you might help build the program (which is the reason you do exhibitions in the first place).

Sell tickets. Seriously folks, stop with the free exhibitions. Make it $5 for a single flight (at least 45 minutes), and a discount for multiple flights. If you need to make it palatable, use the money to fund skating scholarships.

People will stay and your program will grow.

And no one will want to poke their eyes out.

Adult-friendly rinks

Last week USFS Adult Nationals was held in Chicago, with hundreds of competitors on the ice. Adult Nationals (and other adult competitions) are wonderful, inclusive events with lots of opportunities for skaters at every level, minimal qualifying requirements, and a positive warm atmosphere.

I almost never hear negative stories about the big adult competitions. Whatever it is that ISI and USFS is doing for the adults, they are apparently getting it right.

A great experience at adult competition starts with a coach who understands adults. And where do you find them? In classes. Here are some of the things to looks for:

Community
For a lot of adult-onset athletes, the community and the friendships (or the shared misery) are almost as important as the skill. Look for a "Cheers" class- where everybody knows your name.

Schedule
A lot of rinks crowbar the adult classes into the ice times that no one else wants. Look for a rink with mid-evening, weekend morning (Saturday or Sunday), and Sunday evening classes, as well as the more typical weekday midday times, and you've got a winner.

Ice show
I was stunned to find out that not all ice shows include their adult skaters! And then I looked at the program and, yup, not very adult friendly. An ice show number for adults says "we care about this part of our program."

Experienced coaches
A lot of younger coaches hate teaching adults. I hear this again and again. They think it's weird to teach someone their mother's age. And you know what? It is. A program with experienced coaches teaching adults is a good sign.

Pacing
A great adult coach will let the skater set the pace more than for a kid. But only up to a point. Adults are notorious for stopping just shy of their comfort level. A good adults coach can push this limit back without triggering the fear response. 

Privates
Are the same coaches who have adults in privates the ones teaching the adult classes? If so, you've found coaches who like teaching adults. If the adult class coach has no adult private students, that coach might as well hang a big red flag saying "I'm not good with adults."

A famous skater at a local rink actually killed a fairly robust adult program because the adult skaters hated the coach so much. They begged the skating director not to assign this coach. Director wouldn't listen, so they stopped taking the classes. End of program.

What clued you in that you'd found a great adult coach, or someone who should NOT  be teaching adults?

How do you start a booster club?

First of all, what is a booster club?

We all know about figure skating clubs. These are USFS sanctioned organizations that are subject specific rules not only of USFS but also of the IRS, as they are registered tax exempt entities.  They are subject to approval by USFS and have a specific mandate to promote figure skating generally and to feed skaters into the USFS pipeline among other things defined, again, by USFS.

A booster club, on the other hand, is a much looser and more locally specific thing. It can have a much narrower focus--only for kids at a specific rink, or in a specific school for instance. You don't have to incorporate if there are no tax implications. (For instance, if you're not incorporated you can raise money, but you can't offer tax deductions to your donors, or apply for state sales tax exemption. You aren't required to have a formal board, etc.)

Which brings us to Why, and How.

Why start a booster club?
You might need a booster club if you're trying to increase collegiality at the rink, encourage socializing both on and off-site, raise extra money (for instance for scholarships, uniforms, equipment for the rink like video, or a better sound system, etc.) A booster club can help tone down cliques and gossip-klatches by giving people both something to do, and a place to vent frustrations, or even more to take positive action with the things that are frustrating them.

How do you start it?
Leaflets. Seriously, just start leafleting cars, Zucca bags, bulletin boards. Talk it up. Arrange a meeting, then another one, then another one. If it's just a booster club with no tax implications or national oversight organization then it's no different than starting a book reading club.

But first.
It will not work if rink management is not on board. If the Skating Director is not part of at least the initial process, she or he will kill it either deliberately or through benign neglect. The SD can get you free space, photocopying, can facilitate the leafletting, and hopefully be at the first meeting to let parents know that they're on board.

Let the SD know exactly why you think the rink needs a club; make sure they understand that this is not about circumventing, undermining, or taking over their function, or about challenging their authority. Have a specific mandate: we want to do field trips to Stars on Ice, or raise money for a skating school display, or create scholarships for shows and lessons (or all of the above). She will probably know of ways to help you also, with the city or the part district, or, in a private rink, with rink ownership.

A booster club is a positive thing
Do NOT start a booster club if what you're trying to do is get rid of someone in management or on the staff. If this is the problem, find another rink, or start a petition.

Who runs it?
Lots of possibilites here. Basically, the person whose idea it is, at least for starters. Have a steering committee rather than a boss. Make sure that the steering committee isn't just the founder and her cronies, or no one will join. Don't do elections; if you've got a really big steering committee, good for you. Try to get a couple of teenagers on board. (Get the local high school to offer community service hours for participation.)

Facebook
Facebook has been an absolute godsend for volunteer organizations. Your Facebook page will be almost more important than your meetings. Make it a public page so anyone can join, or at least a by invitation page (i.e. don't have a secret group, make it accessible). My experience with Facebook groups is that they are pretty much troll-free and extremely useful for disseminating information and creating community.

Rule of threes
Everyone who has ever been involved in a volunteer organization knows this one. One third of the people do all the work, one third of the people sit on their hands, and one third of the people drop out. Make sure you replace the people who drop out; rule of thirds applies to the smaller group too--one third of those left will then drop out. This is how attrition happens.  If you are the one-third of the people who does all the work, don't resent it. It is what it is. You get a fast track to heaven.

Has anyone started, or joined, a booster club? Tell us about your experience!

Are the good skaters mean?

As a follow up to the "Snotty Skater Girls" post, I think it's important to wonder why some skaters seem so mean.

It's a trope of the sport, ubiquitous in skating movies--the coach who sabotages the competition, the mother who destroys reputations through gossip, the "in" clique who haze new members and cruelly exclude all but the anointed ones.

Sadly, it's not entirely fiction. I'm particularly touchy about it because at the rink where my daughter grew up there was a so-called "top skaters" clique who in fact played all the 7th grade psychological games well into high school and beyond. It worked because of one skater whom everyone, including, oddly, the management, were afraid to offend. (We're talking about a little girl here. I'm not kidding.) Unfortunately this skater is now a coach and is encouraging the same behavior from her students. However, Synchro to the rescue--she doesn't have nearly the impact she used to have, because there are now Synchro teams which form instant "in groups" of their own.

But does skating have to be like this? And even more--is skating like this?

And I don't think it is. I truly believe that people are nice, and in fact what I've observed is that the really focused kids, both the competitive ones, and the ones just skating because they love it,  are actually really nice, and so are their parents.

There's a difference between "mean" and "focused"
The focused kids won't talk to you on the ice, and will skate with that "snotty skater girl" posture. They'll huff and puff if you get in their way. They may even kick the boards every now and then.

But they'll come up with the extra quarter you need at the concession stand. Their parents will be at the boards or in the stands with an eagle eye on the coach and touchy about every broken rule that gets in their skater's way, but they'll always be the first to volunteer, or introduce themselves to the new family.

Think about a business context--who's going to get ahead? The guy who makes fun of everyone, or the guy who brings coffee for the receptionist every day and always cleans up the kitchenette?

How does mom contribute?
I'm not sure that I think that parents can have more than marginal impact on the formation of cliques, but they can model proper behavior--helping newbies, volunteering, leaving the attitude at home. (People who know me are rolling their eyes, because I'm not best known for leaving the attitude at home). You're not there all the time, and it's hard to remember how important acceptance, even by (mostly  by) the mean girls can be to a 12 year old.

In the worst cases parents can exacerbate the problem by forming their own mirror-clique and never talking to other parents. You'll often see parents who only talk to "their" coaches parents.

Coaches can have an impact.  Allowing destructive behavior from your students--encouraging ice hogging, segregating them in the lobby and locker room, having a lot of exclusive events that you let everyone know about, "but you can't go, it's just for my students" are all ways that coaches foment this destructive behavior. In fact, I've even seen management play into this, through what I call "management by cronyism."

And all for what?
I am a firm believer in speaking truth to power. (You may have noticed this.) I have no problem pissing people off over stuff that matters--safety rules ignored, unfair judging, biased assignments, bad management. But making people hate you just so you can claim to be the "top clique" has never made any sense to me. People who derive their sense of importance (especially adults) from how many people they can exclude are just sad.

What's your experience? Do you have destructive cliques at your rink?

Star Power

My daughter and I went and saw her student skate in an exhibition for the Starlights Synchro team yesterday. On the way we made all the jokes about Synchro--the girls who can't skate, the less-than-svelte body types, the long dresses, the cult-like devotion to matching polar fleece.

But there's something about Synchro.

First of all, the place was packed. When you've got 7 teams of 16 to 24 people, you do the math. Every time you have an exhibition, you're going to have at least 300 people there, between the parents, and the grandparents, and the siblings and the coaches. You never see singles exhibitions with anything like this kind of turnout.

And no one left.

Okay, we left. We had another obligation that we had to get to.

One of the things that really bothers me with some skating exhibitions, is that parents come, watch their kid, and then they're out the door. There's no sense that it's a team, that one skater should support another. By the end of a singles exhibition at a local program, there will be 14 people in the stands. It's just sad.

These people all stayed. They had each team skate twice, so if you wanted to see your skater, you had to stick around. Further, and more importantly, it's really understood that it's a team. You stay and support your teammates.

Even with the inevitable spills and mishaps, everyone came on and off the ice smiling. They looked like they were having a blast. Someone on the Juvenile team made a joke, and they all burst out laughing, and kept that energy throughout the entire adorable number.

In my opinion, synchronized skating is going to save figure skating in this country. It's going to keep kids in the sport who might otherwise leave--the heavy girls, the non-jumpers,  the ones without the financial resources or access to coaches that might get them to the big show in singles, let along pairs or dance. A lot more universities are starting to support Synchro teams, meaning that these kids don't have to give up their lifelong passion when they go to college anymore.

Now if they would just make it an NCAA sport, so that universities would start offering scholarships (no, there are no "skating scholarships" right now, sorry.)

The Startlights are on their way to Nationals.  Watch them and all the teams live on Ice Network this week February 29  through 3. 

Now where's my team scarf....

How do you get heard at a skating rink?

Here are some complaints I encounter from frustrated moms:

• No information on the bulletin boards
• Too much information in show and class packets, written in impenetrable "rinkese"
• Dismissive responses to questions.
• No responses to questions.
• No one tells you anything UNLESS you ask questions, but what if you don't know what question to ask?
• The class teacher is never available to talk.
• They don't do things the way I would do things.

I strongly encourage people to make their complaints and frustrations known (not only in skating, but at school, work, wherever), although there are problems with that. First, most people (you included) will circle the wagons in response to complaints. People get defensive when confronted, especially if they also feel powerless. Second, it's a rare organization where the culture, let alone individuals, are immediately responsive to customer complaints. It takes a kind of training, top-down attitude, and staffing levels that are often simply out of reach at municipal and volunteer-run organizations. Third, most organizations are not very transparent, making it truly difficult to help customers understand why things are done in a certain way.

Here's some things you can do:
Always ask. If you don't understand something, ask. Persist in your question until you're satisfied. It will help if you blame yourself. Not "you don't provide information," but rather "I don't understand, please explain again."

Find information in other places. Look on line, ask moms, ask employees, check out the library. There is so much information available now, that accepting an unresponsive staff person as the last word is actually kind of irresponsible.

Read the information that IS available. I hear a lot of complaints about the dense packets of information provided, but in fact, this information is provided. Don't go all "tl:dr" (too long; didn't read) and then complain when you don't know what's going on. Read the packet. Save the packet.

Ask key people when and how they are available. Don't get mad because the skating teacher can't deal with your complaint in the 5 minutes (if that) between classes, or if the skating director can't talk to you during Saturday morning classes, the most crowded session of the week. Ask, "when can I call you", or ask for a business card and email them. Be more responsive to their needs, and they'll be more responsive to yours.

Remember that while you are the customer and therefore the most important part of any retail equation, you are not the only part of it. The object of a strong retail operation like a skating school is to make the most people happy, to get the best profit, and to grow the program as well as you can. Everyone is not going to be happy all the time, and sometimes this is going to be you.

If most of what you need is getting addressed, then that program is worth fighting for.

For more on how to affect change in your program:
Getting things to change

When should you say something? (and a prize)

We've all witnessed it:

The mom standing in the door, "coaching"

The mom pushing her kid to finish her ISI tests, so she can compete at US Nationals (true story)

The new skater who wears her tights OVER her spanky pants

The beginner tot in the freestyle blades

The beginner in "we found them in granny's garage" four sizes too big and with blades so rusty they're black

And then there's the bad behavior: The mom screaming at, or worse, hitting her skater because of an error, or getting off the ice early, or losing her guards, or whatever; the monitor who breaks the rules for her kids, or her coach's other students; the overheard conversation of a coach telling some clueless mom a pack of myths and lies; the dad explaining that "only girls figure skate; men play hockey."

It's an enormous social gaffe in our culture to "get involved" but it's painful to watch especially newbies to the sport having to figure all this stuff out for themselves, or to have to tolerate bad behavior, knowing that these idiots are modeling this behavior for our children, or knowing that they're being fed a line of hooey.

I can't tell you how many comments I've gotten on this blog that start "I wish someone had told me...." I've said it often myself. It was one of the reasons I started the blog. 

The problem is, that the classy moms, the ones from whom you'd get really good information, stay out it, while the evil moms feed you horse hockey ("Coach Mine only works with the best students, and if you're not with Coach Mine, clearly he doesn't think you're up to snuff", or like the coach I overheard telling her very very talented student that ISI tests were the way to get to USFS Nationals.)

And I confess, I don't have the solution. I see a lot of well-meaning mothers offering bad advice, like  Mom A with an advanced little one (skater about 7, working on PreJuv test) telling a beginner 7 year old's Mom B that she needed to get "good" skates, rather than the perfectly acceptable beginner skates that she already had. She then showed her the freestyle blade, explaining that this was a "proper" figure skate. And yes, I stepped in, and yes, I got reprimanded for it–by Mom A's coach. (!! She claimed I was trying to solicit that skater, rather than that I was trying to correct misinformation. My guess is Coach had sent Mom A, in fact, to solicit Mom B.)

So this is the minefield we're all skating through.

A coach hearing another coach lie to skaters has literally no recourse. If you say something to the coach, they can make your life miserable; if you say something to the mom, you're tampering. You can't file a grievance with the PSA unless a child is in risk of harm, or the situation directly affects you. Otherwise they'll just laugh you out of court.

A mom on the skate-tying thread was thankful for a more experienced mother stepping in over aging out of mom's help, but another mother would have been offended (as in fact, several people in that thread clearly were, and I'm not even confronting them directly!).

So I'll open it up to you–what advice do you wish you'd gotten from a trustworthy mom? Did you ever get unsolicited advice that you needed, or had someone step in to help? Have you been the victim of bad information, or had an intercession that annoyed you? Tell us your stories.

****

Oh, did I say prize?  On Valentine's Day I'll select from the comments using the widget at random.org. Winner will get a "Yes I'm THAT Mom" t-shirt (designed by @rinksidedamned from Why Me, St. Lidwina).

Skating party etiquette

I love skating parties, for birthdays, holidays, and family get-togethers. Skating parties work great for mixed-age groups, and provide ready-made activity, which if I recall from kids skating parties is an enormous boon.

However, they come with their very own set of management and etiquette issues. Here's some things to keep in mind.

The guest list
Dry-land parties are easy--you invite your friends, go somewhere out of sight (i.e. away from school or office) and don't worry too much about the peripheral social circle. But if you have a skating party at your regular rink, you come up against the problem of the "skating friends." Some of these people are actual friends and some of them are just training mates, or even more casual in their acquaintance. Problem is, your kid spends a LOT of time with them.

There are a couple of solutions:

Don't hold the party at the home rink. That way people aren't there to get their feelings hurt. And it's simple courtesy to not talk about parties around people who may not have been invited, so it's a good teaching moment for younger kids too.

Invite only, and ALL skating friends (for instance everyone who takes from your coach) Then have a smaller, close friends party or sleepover for just 5 or 6 non-skating very close friends.  These friends might or might not also come to the skating party. This commits you to two parties, of course, but it avoids the hurt feelings at the rink.

Invite who you want, and hold it where you want
Don't worry about the people whose feelings are hurt because a casual acquaintance has a party without them.  If you accommodate them in this, they're just going to find something else to complain about.

 The Synchro Team
If your child is on a synchro team, and you have a skating party, the issues get stickier. You don't want the party to become an unscheduled team practice; you don't want the team to overwhelm the non-team members who are also there. Plus, your kid may not get along with everyone, and may not want them at her party.

If you invite half the team, you have to invite the whole team
This is a common grade-school rule to keep kids from feeling left out of birthday parties. If half or more of the class is invited, you have to just invite the rest, because there's no way some child is not going to feel really bad about being left out (especially if it's 20 out of 24 being invited).

No synchro skating
You really have to have a no-synchro rule so the team doesn't take over the ice, but if a lot of the team is there, schedule some time for them to do a short exhibition (if you're renting the ice. If you're on public, no exhibition).


Non skaters
You don't have to avoid non-skaters at the party. Hire a pro to teach willing beginners some basics (including adults), and have plenty of engaging off-ice activities so that the ones who really don't want to skate can feel included in the festivities. If there are some very young children, have pushers or cones available.

Show offs
There are going to be some very good skaters at any skating party. You want to police them as little as possible, but gently make sure they're not making the lower level and non-skaters feel inadequate, or hot dogging around on the ice. You can also ask them to do very short, prepared exhibition numbers (again, if you've rented the ice; this won't work on public); this is especially nice if the birthday child is one of the show-offs.  You could even set up an impromptu exhibition with the non- and lower skaters, asking the Pro you've hired (for her full rate, please), to put together a little group number with anyone interested.

Parents
Yes. Lots and lots of parents on the ice. More so than regular parties, skating parties are better with lots of adults.

Even if they are non-skaters, or beginners, adult presence on the ice will ipso facto keep the show-offs and the hot doggers at bay.  You'll also want some parents in the party room and in the lobby at all times for the non-skaters, bathroom breaks, and bumps and bruises.

How much skating
Time on the ice is generally spelled out in the rental agreement. Most rinks have party packages that include a set number of pre-paid rental skates, a certain amount of ice time or public skate passes, possibly a pro, and a party room.  Make sure you leave enough off-ice time for cake and presents!

Renting vs. public
Facilities with multiple ice surfaces, especially if they have "studio" (small) ice, often have very reasonable rentals. This is the best way to do an ice-skating party. You have lots of control because your group is the only one on the ice.  This is the best way to do larger parties, say more than 12 families/kids involved. For smaller groups, public skating can work just fine. Some of the best party fun happens on weekend public when there are 4 or 5 or 6 party groups there all at once, and they find each other--you'll get all the skating birthday girls bonding.

How many is too many?
The number of people on the ice, at a well-run facility, is going to be limited by the rental agreement. For a studio-sized rink this is generally 40 to 60 people. If you're doing a party for 60 people, you're crazy, but that's just my opinion.  Groups of 6 to 8 kids, with fewer adults supervising, can do well on a public session, and it's also a lot cheaper.

This is a great time of year for family skating--think about making it a party. Bet you didn't know Grandma could spin like that!

Involving your family

A reader tells me

I started skating a few months ago, with lots of practice, plus private lessons. Since I'm able to get to the rink on my own mom has never really watched me skate. For some reason, she seems really uninterested in my skating--she hasn't even met my coach! Do you have any ideas on how to get my mom involved with my skating?

Here's some ideas:

Adult presence required
Ask around your home school group if you can do a once a week half hour "baby sitting on ice" with younger children, either ones you already babysit for, a local homeschool network, or the younger sibs of friends.  You could even ask the rink if you can post a notice. Charge them or not, your call, but I would suggest $3 per kid, plus the cost of ice and skate rental (if you get 5 kids, that's a nice chunk of change). Tell your mom you're not comfortable doing this without her on the premises; she doesn't have to skate.

Impresario!
See if the rink will allow you to set up an exhibition. Again, you could ask around a home school network if you're home schooled, or open it up to skaters from the rink, or just ask around to see if any of your friends skate.  Ask your coach to see if the local synchro team would like to be your headliners, or if she's got a high level skater who'd be willing to show off her program. Your mom might have friends who used to be skaters and might like to show off a little as well.  Municipal rinks might even donate the ice for this purpose if it's in the middle of the day when it's just sitting around empty anyway. Your school or home school might give you some kind of service learning credit for something like this; my own daughter arranged an exhibition her senior year.

I need your help
You could also just tell your mom flat out, "I really want you to come watch me skate, would you come once a month and see how I've progressed"? Or even ask her to "test" you--make up a little skills sheet based on the ISI levels and have her check off what you've learned.

Coach insists
Tell the coach you want her to discuss your progress with your mom every couple of weeks.

Ice shows, local competitions, and exhibitions
Signing up for the ice show, competition, or the rink's exhibition (with your own solo program) is a sure fire way to get family and friends to learn about your skating. ISI and Basic Skills competition sounds scary, but in fact they're a lot of fun, even for beginning skaters. A good coach can come up with choreography that makes even a Pre Alpha skater look really good. Don't worry if you "can't do anything." Non-skaters find a simple glide completely miraculous, especially if it's accomplished by someone they know, who they didn't know skated!

What have you done to get your family involved in your skating?

Etiquette in group lessons

We've been talking about proper behavior in private lessons for coaches and kids (although not so much parents--stay tuned!)

But the vast majority of skaters don't take private lessons. They skate in classes and on public ice. So what are some etiquette pitfalls to avoid for classes? What are common missteps on the part of all parties?

Coaches
Arrive on time
Especially at rinks where several class levels do a joint warm up, there can be a tendency on the part of coaches to think that they can just wander in when the "real" class begins. And to some extent it's true. The skaters will not have a demonstrably worse experience if one of the coaches isn't there. But you better believe that the coaches who make the effort to be on time for, and to run, the warm up are silently fuming about your arrogance and lack of professionalism. Further, if you are off the ice because you're out in the stands soliciting privates and generally shmoozing the parents you'll be lucky not to find your tires slashed.

I don't even have words for coaches who arrive so late that they miss part of the actual class session. Oh, wait, sure I do. Arrogant. Disruptive. Unprofessional. Childish. Rude. (And, with any luck, Fired)


Be part of the warm up
Don't stand on the boards gossiping while someone else does all the heavy lifting


Treat your students, and their families, like they matter
Seriously? You can't learn the names of 15 kids in 8 weeks?  Here's a clue--take attendance. Greet the parents at least a couple of times during the session, even if you're sure they aren't going to take privates. And, hello. Can we stop with the racist asides? "Oh they're East Asian. Why do these people even try, they don't know how to skate." (actual quote)  How about not telling adolescent girls they're too fat to skate? (Another true story). Here's a good one--everyone in class paid the same price. Not just your students. Not just the "good" students. Everyone is entitled to instruction.

Stay in your area
Know where on the ice your class meets. Make sure your kids stay in their area and don't wander into the neighboring class. Use traffic patterns that keep everyone safe, moving, and engaged.

Kids
Arrive on time
It is no less arrogant and disruptive for the students to be late than for the instructors. If I see you sitting in the lobby and you can't be bothered to get on the ice for the beginning of the warm up, I shouldn't even let you into the class. Now, sometimes the kids don't have control over this; if your parent or your school makes you late, call the rink and ask them to inform the coach. (Seriously) If you can't, then apologize to the coach and the class when you do get there.


Be part of the warm up
Aside from being important for health reasons, it is simply rude to consider yourself above any part of the instruction. If you're not going to participate, please don't come.

Be respectful of the coaches
You are the student. Your opinion on technique, choreography, class management (except in the case of a violation of #3, above) is not salient to the moment. If you have a serious disagreement, bring it up, respectfully, outside of class, and in a way that does not challenge the coach's professional authority. This means not whining to your mother because the coach told you that your language or dress was inappropriate (you can tell I'm talking about teens here).

For younger students, the ice class should be treated like a classroom. This means no wandering off without permission, engaging in the activity presented, and no talking when the coach is talking.  You know, all that "everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten" stuff.

Share the ice
Especially in the warm up, remember that this is class, not Sunday afternoon public skate. This means you're warming up, not socializing. No hotdogging. No getting on and off. No food. No gum. Watch out for the little guys and the beginners.


Parents
Arrive on time
Sigh. And don't sign up for a class that you know you will be habitually late for, or absent from. This is not rocket science.

Don't be part of the warm up
Sit down. Take a load off. Better yet, help keep the rink open by going out to the snack bar and spending some money. Do not under any circumstances stand by the glass, or worse yet in the door shouting at your child. If your child is too young to handle a class without you standing right there, then they are not ready to be in class. I have had parents stand in the door yelling at their child to pay attention to me. Well, they would be, if you weren't standing in the door yelling at them.

Let the coach be the coach
Don't tell them how to do their job. Don't tell them what your child is like*, don't assume miracles the first day. Accept evaluations; please don't go to a different coach for an evaluation if you don't like the outcome from the class coach. This undermines the coach among his colleagues and teaches the child a very bad lesson. Plus, it will give you a rep that you don't want.

*Special needs
Please please please please tell the coach if your child has been diagnosed with a special need. Tell the coach exactly what it is, but don't expect a class coach to be an occupational therapist. If there are specific physical, pedagogical or therapeutic needs then this needs to be shared and dealt with before the child steps on the ice. Municipal rinks are generally required to provide an aide for special needs kids, and some coaches, like me, welcome and are trained for them. But we need to know upfront to optimize the experience, not only for your child, but for every child in the class.

On the other hand, do NOT tell the coach this unless you have a medical diagnosis.

I know your child is special. They're all really special. Good manners helps everyone honor that.

Mean girls

Ice rinks, populated as they are by pre- and adolescent girls, can be veritable petri dishes of social experience. Popular media depict this as poisonous, with films like Prancer (otherwise pretty good at showing what a rink is like), with its rich-girls/poor girls divide, or Ice Princess, with the unethical coach who recommends that the inexperienced skater wear brand new skates for the first time during a competition.

I polled my skating friends to find out what their experiences were with cliques, positive and negative, and what types of cliques they had encountered—parents, kids, coaches.

Some respondents seemed to pride themselves on being set apart, defined by some special characteristic: “we’re poor but still competing and it pisses people off;” “all of my skaters are really good friends, but they don’t seem to get along with other coaches’ skaters.”

A coach from out of state mentions that there are certain coaches who will only talk amongst themselves, not only about skating, but about anything, setting themselves apart as though even acknowledging someone else diminishes their own expertise somehow.

Every parent I asked this acknowledged that there are parent cliques, but they were universally reluctant to talk about it (which just really made me want to know why.)

T, who grew up at the rink where she now coaches feels that the cliquishness of the current atmosphere is new:

Cliques didn't really exist in my generation of skating. I can prove it with pictures (NB: She can, I’ve seen them, plus they are ALL still friends). Where you will now see several small sized groups of skaters together, my clique was larger and more inclusive of a broader range of skaters.

I grew up in a different era of skating – it didn’t matter who your coach was; we were all always there at the same time, and thus, got to know each other pretty well.

My story sounds like a fairytale in a sport considered bitchy and elite. Aside from the day-to-day drama that pre-teens/teenagers produce, it was really quite picturesque. The beauty of kids of multiple ages and different coaching backgrounds all pooled together as one group that dominated the rink made it fun for everyone. Sure, we had our scoffs and irritations with one another, but at the end of the day or at graduation time, we were still happy for each other and grateful for the memories we made together.

B, another skater who grew up a couple of skating generations after her had a very different experience at the same rink:

I hated how cliquish the rink was, with people basing their opinion of you on stupid sh*t like what coach you had. [Those girls] were always so mean to me even though I just wanted to be friends. And I absorbed this model in an attempt to fit in, being mean to other people for no reason.

In life there are going to be people you get along with and people you don't. Coaches and parents can really have an effect on this; I’ve known of coaches and parents hinting to kids that they shouldn't hang out with other coaches’ students; in fact I think coaches and parents have more to do with cliques forming than kids do. There are a lot of people who are my friends now who were really mean to me as a kid. Now we’re older we realize that it didn't matter who your coach was. Kids are just dumb; they’ll follow the lead of the adults.

R, from the same generation as B, didn’t even want to teach at their childhood rink, and never bothered to apply for a position there; “It’s too weird over there” she told me. B has this same attitude. “I can’t stand the idea of going back and just getting sucked into it again.”

What can you do about cliques?
First of all, do your research. If you’re new to a rink, or just starting to consider private lessons, observe the dynamics for a while. Learn which coaches discourage their skaters from getting involved in the culture of the rink—those kids will be on practice ice, but you’ll never see them in class. People don’t know who their parents are. The parents never volunteer at shows or competitions, and sometimes the skaters don’t even participate in shows or competitions.

Avoid parent gossip like plague, especially from parents you don’t know very well. (Really, what’s the agenda here?) Let your children choose their friendships themselves and then befriend those parents. You’ll find more in common than if you choose your social circle based on who the coach is.

You’ll naturally gravitate towards the families that share your coach, but they’re not the only ones in the rink, and judging a family’s suitability by coaching choice or competitive stature is simply absurd. Skaters have widely varying goals, all valid. The goals of a recreational skater are no less important than the goals of a competitive skater. While shared goals are a way for friendships to start, they are not the only way. Every time I hear a coach tell me that ice show solos aren’t important, or are “good enough for that skater, but my skater has more important goals” I see red. In the universe of a recreational skater, competing at Nationals is by definition unimportant. They aren’t going to do it; it’s not important to them. There is nothing in figure skating inherently more “important” than something else. Goals are personal, not universal.

(Whoa, off the topic there a little, sorry.)

Friendships are a personal choice
Any coach who tells you not to talk to other parents, coaches, skaters, or administrators is to be avoided, and in fact should be questioned. If a coach suggests in any way, “don’t let Susie talk to Jenny,” or if a parent says that her skater only socializes with Coach's other students (or worse, with no one at the rink) make them tell you why. The only way to stop this kind of poisonous behavior is to call them on it. If you’ve been at the rink a while and your skater only seems to know skaters who work with the same coach, see if you can figure out why this is. That’s how the poisonous cliques, and in fact all prejudices, start—with limited experience of the “other.”

Not all friendship groups are cliques, and not all cliques are exclusive or destructive. You don’t want to discourage close friendships, and while I think T’s idyllic experience is sadly a thing of the past, I still maintain that an ice rink is a great place to grow up.

Let me know your experience with cliques, good and bad, and how you handled it, in the comments.

"She's SOOOOO talented"

If you hear this from a coach, regarding your child, Proceed With Caution. This is a coach who may have a one-dimensional view of your child.

This is not to say that your child isn't talented. But talented at what? Natural ability to perform figure skating moves? Meh. I never met a child who couldn't learn, and learn well, every skating move up to the axel if he or she practiced and worked at it. (The axel is a little trickier, and does in fact require some talent. But a kid without the talent or motivation is probably not going to get that far anyway. If your kid gets legitimately up to the axel, he's talented, QED. More about kids who get up to the axel non-legitimately in a future post).

At any rate there are all kinds of talent-- there's the kid with the natural affinity for skating moves. There's the kid with the analytical mind, who can break down steps and positions intellectually. There's the kid with a talent for learning, or listening, or the capacity for a lot of practice. But I most often hear coaches say "your child is so talented" just to the parents of the first type-- the child with the natural sport ability.

So, your kid likes figure skating, why hasn't a coach said this to you? Well, there are a lot of coaches like me-- I seldom seldom praise a child's talent, because he or she has no control over it. I like to praise the things the child does have control over-- a specific skill, or a skill learned quickly, or a skill mastered after a long difficult effort. There are also coaches who will tell you your child is talented because they want to be that child's private coach. (Coaches like this might also tell you that the child "can't learn anything in class" "is too talented for class" "has the wrong teacher in class" etc. Any coach who discourages participation in any classes except the ones he or she teaches is to be approached with a giant grain of salt.)

It's possible that I take this farther than I should, because I feel a lot of empathy for the kids that get overlooked, and for the ones that just plug away in the corner, doing the job and learning the sport. Every child is talented, and every child is worthy of every coach's full attention and knowledge.