Have a child who is obsessed with skating. If your child is not cooperating with the skating obsession, start bribing her with sparkly dresses. (This also works with boys, but dad has to be a really understanding sort.)
What is "obsessed?" Wants to skate more often than you want to take her. Doesn't mind (much) getting up at 5 a.m. to skate. Is willing to forgo social opportunities to skate. Knows what a closed choctaw is. Voluntarily does cardio workouts. Likes the coach better than she likes you. SEES the coach more than she sees you.
Steps Two through Infinity
Send daily emails to the coach, questioning her progress and wondering why that other girl is going to Regionals when she has not been skating as long as your child. Tell that child's mother that she has no idea what she is getting into. Call up local judges and ask them to come observe your child, without letting the coach know you've done this. Send a press release to your local newspaper when she wins the rink's ISI competition. Change coaches every six months, so you can find the "perfect" one. Invite out of town coaches to come work with your child (without informing your coach). Have loud fights with the coach in the lobby. Only talk to parents of your coach's kids unless you have something nasty to say about them, then say it to parents of the other coaches' kids. Walk around to the back of the boards during practice ice, so you can "monitor the lesson." Come to the rink with her every time she skates, even if she's twenty. Stand in the door yelling at your child during practice. Buy those skates with the colored blades. Alternately, buy K-picks for your FS 4 skater. Get custom-made practice dresses. If you're the ice monitor, always place your skater's music at the top of the queue. Wonder, to anyone who will listen, why your skater always gets the worst ice show solo. (And don't forget to complain about the costume.) If someone else gets a good solo, be sure to mention that your skater had that solo LAST year.
Any more? Obsessed Skater Moms, please add to my list!
Update from Ice Mom: talk very loudly about how smart your kid is and how the kid should be in a more advanced skating level because she's such a good reader. (More from Ice Mom in the comments)
Update from Beth M: tell your daughter to quit standing still and listening to the coach. Why? Because kid needed to practice!