Step One
Have a child who is obsessed with skating. If your child is not cooperating with the skating obsession, start bribing her with sparkly dresses. (This also works with boys, but dad has to be a really understanding sort.)
What is "obsessed?" Wants to skate more often than you want to take her. Doesn't mind (much) getting up at 5 a.m. to skate. Is willing to forgo social opportunities to skate. Knows what a closed choctaw is. Voluntarily does cardio workouts. Likes the coach better than she likes you. SEES the coach more than she sees you.
Steps Two through Infinity
Send daily emails to the coach, questioning her progress and wondering why that other girl is going to Regionals when she has not been skating as long as your child. Tell that child's mother that she has no idea what she is getting into. Call up local judges and ask them to come observe your child, without letting the coach know you've done this. Send a press release to your local newspaper when she wins the rink's ISI competition. Change coaches every six months, so you can find the "perfect" one. Invite out of town coaches to come work with your child (without informing your coach). Have loud fights with the coach in the lobby. Only talk to parents of your coach's kids unless you have something nasty to say about them, then say it to parents of the other coaches' kids. Walk around to the back of the boards during practice ice, so you can "monitor the lesson." Come to the rink with her every time she skates, even if she's twenty. Stand in the door yelling at your child during practice. Buy those skates with the colored blades. Alternately, buy K-picks for your FS 4 skater. Get custom-made practice dresses. If you're the ice monitor, always place your skater's music at the top of the queue. Wonder, to anyone who will listen, why your skater always gets the worst ice show solo. (And don't forget to complain about the costume.) If someone else gets a good solo, be sure to mention that your skater had that solo LAST year.
Any more? Obsessed Skater Moms, please add to my list!
Update from Ice Mom: talk very loudly about how smart your kid is and how the kid should be in a more advanced skating level because she's such a good reader. (More from Ice Mom in the comments)
Update from Beth M: tell your daughter to quit standing still and listening to the coach. Why? Because kid needed to practice!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
Hoo, boy! I hate the ice monitors who favor their kids.
ReplyDeleteI got one: tell everyone that your child is going to the Olympics.
How about (to a new parent): Those little kids are always getting in the way of my daughter's triple Axels.
Or this one (parent of a college-age skater): announces loudly to the stands that her daughter, a senior level skater has a four-minute program because she's a senior level skater. Then she stands up to watch her kid and claps loudly when the four minutes are up. (Kid pulls all of her jumps.)
Last one (parent of three little skaters): talks very loudly about how smart her kid is and how the kid should be in a more advanced skating level because she's such a good reader.
I'm not obsessed. My kid is: Likes the coach better than she likes you. *sigh* It's much cooler to ride in the coach's car, Mom.
Ice Mom
I knew you'd have some good ones.
ReplyDeleteYou've both made me laugh. I can remember this a bit from my days as a teen skater (synchro team), but fortunately most of the parents were fine, just a couple liked to show off (and their kids were equally as obnoxious).
ReplyDeleteI found out more recently that my sister's friend who was a really good pairs skater did eventually get to the World Figure Skating Championships and came 20th with her partner, but her mum was the nicest person (and made great costumes for us).
I'd like to add the mom who complains about all the "little girls" on the freestyle session getting in the way of her teenager (conveniently forgetting her child did not burst from the womb at 15), the parent who insists her daughter "just doesn't need sleep" and would just be up roaming around the house if she wasn't on the ice at 5 am so she's actually doing her kid a favor and my favorite, the mother of a late starting skater who is working very diligently to progress through the levels insisting that her daughter needs to test through 3 more levels in the next three months so she can compete "where she belongs", never really understanding the difference between "test levels" and "competitive levels" and cluelessly positioning her daughter to come in dead last in any competition she should attempt.
ReplyDeleteHow about the mother who complained to the financial aid counselor at her daughter's private school that she should have gotten more aid because she has such large ice skating bills.
ReplyDeleteAnon-- I'll accept that argument from a kid who's skating at a national level. The rest of 'em, not so much. ;)
ReplyDeleteOur "home" rink is not even large enough to merit an ice monitor, but I still have a few.
ReplyDelete7:00am???? This is too early for my daughter to have a lesson. 10:00am??? There are too many skaters on the ice. (12 skaters is a large number for our ice sessions)
My dd is soooo good at dance. Ice show comes along with a dance demo to organize. Dd says I only know the Dutch Waltz and Canasta Tango
These are priceless, and I'm sad to say that I've heard every one of them, multiple times. How about mom-fights in the lobby? Seen a couple of those, too.
ReplyDeleteI liked the mom, who after a group lesson, told her daughter not to quit standing still and listening to the coach. Why? Because kid needed to practice!
ReplyDelete