This is especially critical at this time of year, when 1,500 elite-level singles skaters start competing for just 360 spots at Sectionals, and only about 130 spots at Nationals/Junior Nationals.
That's 1370 mighty disappointed kids.
Of course, most of those kids understand that they really don't have a realistic chance even at final round at Regionals, let alone making it to Nationals. But even if you just count those with "a shot," say the top 30-35%, that's still a few hundred really sad kids who didn't land the double axel when it counted. And face it, sometimes kids (and coaches) are delusional, and even a predictable loss comes as a shock and a giant demotivator.
If there isn't an obvious issue like disappointment over competition results, you need to look a little deeper.
The first thing to do is identify why a formerly enthusiastic and currently ambitious skater stops working. Is there an injury that they haven't fessed up about? Are there social problems at the rink or school, or personality (or more ominous) issues with the coach? Are there family issues that you as the parent don't realize your skater is concerned about, including money, stability, etc.
Coaching issues are a little harder. First, tell the coach about difficulties you're having getting your skater to the rink. It's possible that she's giving you grief, but then is fine once she's at the rink. The proper solution to this is the patented parental eye roll when she starts up.
If that's not it, then drop in at lessons and practices unannounced (because you are totally not hanging out watching every single practice and lesson for your high level skater, right? RIGHT?) and observe the coaching and on-ice dynamics. Does your skater appear distracted? Is she using her practice time poorly (i.e. hanging out at the boards, getting on and off the ice, poorly organized approach)? Does she appear isolated from other skaters? Do skaters seem to be interfering with her practice patterns, beyond the general chaos that is a freestyle session? Is her coach focused on her (and she on the coach?) Observe in as non-judgmental a way as possible, and then ask neutral questions about what you think you're seeing.
All well and good to figure out why your skater is unmotivated. What do you do about it? Tomorrow, we'll explore some of the things you can do to help your skater overcome her loss of skating mojo.
How did your skater show a loss of motivation?
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She got very discouraged and stopped working on anything that was not easy for her. She would spin for hours, but not work on jumps. She also started to ask me to stay at the rink so she could have moral support. It was and is a strange and new experience for us.
ReplyDeleteQuestion for you, Xan; at what age/stage should parental viewing of practices stop? My 10 year-old still vastly prefers me to stay (although she accepts when I don't). She's nowhere near elite level; she's going through her Senior Bronze Skate Canada tests now and her solo contains single jumps up to and including the lutz (not sure how that maps to US levels). She's also on a pre-juvie synchronized skating team.
ReplyDeleteThis is the first year that I've stopped always being there, but I'd say that I'm easily there 75% of the time. When do you think it's time to start dialing back? My presence doesn't change her behaviour (she's incredibly focused and ambitious probably beyond her ability); her coaches are delighted with her focus and praise her work ethic but there's still enough little girl in her to want her mom around. And she's fun to watch. Am I starting to get in the way?
Ten is pretty young, unless your skater is truly at that elite level. I think you have to base it on the child and the situation. My daughter kicked me out of the rink when she was a little older than that. Which is probably the best way to do it--let the skater lead that; when she's ready for you to not be there, then follow her needs, up to a point. There are some teen skaters at my rink who are still highly tolerant of mom being there, but frankly for a 16 or 17 or (20) year old Junior or Senior skater, it's a little weird.
DeleteIf both of you like the idea of you watching her practice, and you watch it because it's fun and not because you are going to interfere and ruin her technique, why would it not be OK for you to watch? Seriously, no one can tell you that you are not supposed to watch your 10 year old skating!
ReplyDeleteMaria, mom of 2 skaters (only 6 and 4 years old now, so they usually prefer me to not just watch them but skate with them)
Occasionally sitting in on lessons and practice is a good thing, and like I said, at 10 you certainly need to at least be in the building. But being there every second, for advanced skaters once they're in the late tweens and teens starts to look like you don't want the skater to have ownership or independence. Plus, aren't you bored?
DeleteAgree, if you leave the coaching to the coaches and don't glare through the glass or scream advice but you are just there to sit with other skating parents and talk about non skating stuff, why not stay? ~Meg
ReplyDeleteBecause you'll end up caught in the gossip machine? Because it's cold? Because it's boring? Because let the poor kid have a life without you? Because you have 40 errands and this gives you time to do them? Because your other kids deserve attention too? Because believe it or not, your 12 or 13 or 14 year old would love for you to go away, even if she's not admitting it to you?
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DeleteAnd yes...I wonder whether parents being there all the time puts a pressure on kids to stay with the sport because, well, it's their parent's "activity" as well. That is, "Mom must enjoy sitting in the stand and being involved in all this...so how do I tell her I don't want to skate? She'll have nothing else to do!" :-D I mean, I see the ridiculousness of this, but we're talking about how kids think, right?
DeleteDang...I tried to edit, not delete...
Delete"Because believe it or not, your 12 or 13 or 14 year old would love for you to go away, even if she's not admitting it to you?"
This. Turning over ownership is important. Kids will demand it one way or another. Either by telling you outright, or making you nuts by "forgetting" more and more stuff...passive/aggressive "leave me alone".
I'm 46 years old and skated for the first time for my mom just last week. Even at 46 yo and having a fairly healthy adult relationship with my mother, I felt an added...something... when she was there. Even if just enough to take my focus away.
And I see this all the time as a scout leader. Kids are different kids when their parents aren't there and they have to look to another adult completely as the authority. They take on more responsibility without whinging. They try new things. They clean latrines. :-)
Also, skating is a solitary sport. Some kids will take out their frustrations on their parents sitting at the boards. They have an ear for their frustration, so they get off the ice and let their parents have it. For competitive skaters, eventually, it's mental toughness more than anything that will make kids successful. Kids need to be able to pull through a tough skate practice without breaking down or depending on anyone else to deal with their emotions. They have to learn to "eat it" and save the melt down for later that day away from the rink. Mom or Dad not being there to take the brunt - or blame - for what's going on out on the ice will help them learn to do this. I'm an open ear on the car ride home. But for competitive skaters, hard as this may seem, the rink needs to be associated with work and focus.
Thanks for your perspective. Since I don't coach from the stands, enjoy watching my daughter and enjoy the company of many (not all) other skating moms then I don't feel a need to rush away. It's nice that she's old enough that I can miss when I need to.
ReplyDeleteShe's soooo close to her axel (lands in consistently in the harness but not once it's off for some reason) and I KNOW she wants me to see her land her first clean one. Heaven help me if I happen to miss it. LOL
Landing a first axel is a pretty big event and definitely an exception to the rule. :-)
DeleteAnd I know that "lands it in the harness without coach even pulling up on ropes, but not without" frustration. I've heard parents joke about incorporating a harness into the skating costume, lol.
What is it about the harness?! Jump Coach isn't even holding her - he's told us both that. She'll jump 4, 5, 6 in a row and off the harness comes. Next attempt, she's polishing ice. I guess it's a confidence issue but I'm not sure who's pulling more hair out in frustration. Her, for not being able to land it outside of the harness, or me for paying for all of the extra harness lessons. LOL
ReplyDeleteShe'll land it when she lands it and stops obsessing/overthinking. At least that's what I tell her. It'll come, just like the camel spin and lutz.
Coach is about to start the double sal. Let me guess - this will happen again with the harness, won't it? *eye roll*