The coach won't tell us anything

A commenter asks how to know if you are getting a comprehensive analysis of your skater's progress. She felt the coach had put them on a "need to know" basis (great analogy!) and then decided they didn't really need to know much. (Read the full comment here.)

This is a long one folks. Apologies in advance.

So tricky. As I've said before, it is impossible for a parent to really know what is going on during a lesson, even if you watch every single one of them. It is imprudent, if irresistible, to try to become part of the skater/coach relationship, but on the other hand it is your precious child (and not insignificantly, your money). But there is also a parent/coach relationship and obligations on both sides, the chief of which are trust and communication. The commenter's description of the situation (I'd love to hear the coach's side, or if she even understood that this parent felt there was an issue), suggests that the coach's selective communication weakened the parents' trust, which is the first step toward losing a student.

The commenter is right about one thing-- a coaching relationship is first and foremost a commercial one. This is a business. The nature of the business means that it also becomes an emotional relationship, but more things go wrong in coaching when either party forgets the essential fiduciary framework.

Coaches
Set the tone: professional, but accessible (within the constraints of all personalities). You are the expert, but in a funny way, you are not the boss. Coaches need to learn this and live with it. But some coaches are extremely authoritarian, which could jump us to the first "Do" on the parent list, below.

The parent has a right to information regarding the student's progress or lack of it. Never brush off a question. Use active listening: "You sound like you're concerned about [use their exact language]." (I recommend active listening for everyone. It's a great tool)

These two things go together: there is no such thing as a stupid question, and parents are not your enemy. I think this is at the heart of Denise's question. One interpretation is that the coach is reluctant to share information because she's afraid that this family will switch coaches if everything isn't hunky dorey all the time. But withholding information doesn't make the question go away. It just drives into the maw of the parent gossip machine, where no coach ever looks good.

Remember that the parent is a client, *not* a friend. Don't overshare. Don't undershare. Don't gossip. This is an error that I still make, because I get to like various parents so much on a personal basis. It is one of the reasons I stepped back from private coaching for the past two years, so that I could give myself the chance to reinvent this coaching persona.

Don't betray your student's trust-- specific solutions to specific skills are more information than a parent needs. For instance, saying something like, "She's having trouble with the flip because she overrotates her shoulders at the entry" (it's never that simple, but the parent just really doesn't need more info). "I've given her some drills to help with this. It would help me if you would remind her to work on the drills as well as the full jump before each practice" would be an appropriate way of sharing the lesson. (But parents, don't then try to critique the skill itself *even if you are also a skating coach*. Just guide the practice disciplines.)

Parents
Do the legwork before you sign on. The most important factor in hiring a coach is NOT how many students he's gotten to Nationals. It's whether he can inspire *your* skater. Talk to other parents. You should know what this coach is like going in-- if someone tells you he never talks to them, he's not going to talk to you either. Figure out what other factors are prevalent. For instance, we recently figured out that a particularly reticent coach just isn't very comfortable communicating in English!

Try to benchmark your child. Find skaters similar to your child (which means, similar age, similar amount of practice time, skating since the same age) and see what they are doing. Adjust for talent, discipline, and motivation. Does your child seem to be ahead, behind, or about similar to similar skaters? Take this information to the coach and ask for an interpretation. This needs to be non-confrontational "I have observed that skaters who started when Suzie started are now at XX level. Do you feel that Suzie is about where she should be?"

Judge your child's attitude. I had a really really talented daughter, who just never progressed. As I had been banned, by her, from the rink for interfering in her lessons (she would just stop skating, cross her arms and refuse to move until I went away. Smart kid.), I finally got the coach to admit that she would just argue with him about everything he asked her to do. So of course she wasn't skating, she was just arguing. At sixty bucks an hour. Does she spend all her time on the boards with friends? Is she reluctant to come to lessons or practice? You need to know why.

Don't insert yourself into the coaching relationship. The coach and the skater have a right to the sovereignty of the lesson. What happens on the ice stays on the ice. Do not grill the skater about what the coach said. Do not grill the coach about what the skater said. Do not make the skater rehash the lesson or competition in the car on the way home (As someone who's stumbled over this particular no-no often, I can tell you, this is so hard.)


Parent, Skater, and Coaches together
Don't talk about each other in front of each other. If you need to ask the coach about Suzie, make it in a phone call or away from the child. Don't criticize the coach in front of the child. Don't criticize the child in front of the coach. How many additional permutations can I come up with? Avoid them all.

Have a plan. "Test through two levels of moves by summer". "Master a specific skill". "Skate in two local competitions this year". "Work towards Junior Nationals". However. This has to be the skater's goal. It can be short term or long term. It can change. But everyone needs to know what it is and what their role is in achieving it.

This is such a complex relationship. But I really believe that most people are good. I have observed that people don't last in this profession if they are as evil as disgruntled parties (on all sides) make out. A coach that's been around for a while, with all the caveats above, is a good bet. It's up to you to make the relationship work.

When is it not gossip?

We all do it—talk about people behind their backs. Gossip is the grease on which ice rinks run. And we all know when we are gossiping. But can private discussion of third parties ever not be gossip?

According to Jewish teaching, gossiping is a sin that harms three- the subject, the teller and the listener. It is actually proscribed in Scripture, in fact in the Old Testament, so Christians take warning as well. And for the secular, well, any tradition written down for thousands of years is probably something to abide.

But we all talk about each other, it’s human nature (otherwise, why have a tradition against it?). The gossiping woman is a literary trope. I love to gossip, although I tell myself that I’m gathering information. (UPDATE: Or as one friend texted me, "it isn't gossip, it's truth.) As I’ve mentioned before, a lot of people come to me with questions and stories, often with the same central subject, from opposing points of view.

So when is it gossip? When is it harmful and when is it harmless?

The best description I found referenced a Jewish sage, who felt :”it doesn’t have to be a false or slanderous story; as long as the subject of the report would prefer not to have information known, it is gossip and not fit for further dissemination.” (cite)

So next time you’re passing on a story (next time I am passing on a story) ask yourself. Could I say this to the person I’m referring to? Could I say it to her mother? Would it be harmful or embarrassing to him personally or professionally? Could it harm or embarrass me if my words got around? Then it probably qualifies as gossip under the definition in Leviticus (19:16).

I’m not going to stamp out gossip. I don’t want to—it’s a useful source of information. But remember that the only private opinion is one that is not shared.

Gadflies are useful beasts

Two things about me. I'm a little crazy. I don't suffer fools (or anyone else) gladly.

This combination means if you're an idiot at my place of business, I don't care whose parent you are, or how much money you make, or your place in the heirarchy, or who you are married to. If you're an idiot and make my job harder I'm going to call you on it.

Personally I think the world would work better if everyone would, well, not necessarily call the idiots for what they are, but question what looks wrong. And not just by snarking with your mates, but by going to the source and saying-- why is it like this, this seems wrong.

For parents, if you don't understand the coach's apparent approach to your child's training, ASK. "Why are you doing this?" Tell the coach what you've observed from other coaches and skaters and make your coach justify his or her approach. This is not the same thing as telling a coach to teach in a certain way. It's not the same thing as criticizing. Just asking for explanation in clear English. Then it's your job as a parent to make a judgment on whether you accept that explanation or not.

Case in point-- a talented child "cuted" up. I've learned of one particular child whose mother starting noticing that there were great huge gaps in her ability. She did the right thing and asked the coach about it. Coach's response was "she'll pick it up." Okay insofar as it goes, maybe she will, but will this coach demonstrate that? Will the coach let the parent know where the gaps are and what is being done about them? Or will the coach just say, let's add another lesson or two to catch up. Hmmmm. Methinks me detects a wee conflict of interest there.

Skating directors (if any of you are reading this)-- the coach you hear complaining is your best friend. Because believe me, we are ALL talking about the issue. The one with the courage to bring it to you should not be punished, but should be rewarded. Look into the issue, don't just shut down the complainer.

And my biggest pet peeve for last-- the skating director, coach, or rink manager who finds out a parent is complaining and says "there are lots of other rinks, they can just go somewhere else."

.

I have no words.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Nutcracker Prelim Run Through today. The preliminary run through is a sort of subdued tech-- no sets or lights, but all 203 kids on the ice together for the first time, running all groups and solos. I should have carried a little tape recorder or notepad around with me to just make little notes about some of the more amusing moments.

Rounded up my little boys for the toy soldiers number. All there except one, they go on the ice, and the missing one's Grandma comes up to ask what's going on. We said, get him on the ice right now, but he never shows up, although everyone says they've seen him. An hour later he's there for the finale practice and says to me, quite aggreived (you have to imagine a perfectly adorable ants-in-his-pants 5-year old in a too-big skating helmet here) "what a waste of time, we didn't even get to practice the number." Hey, kid, WE practiced it, where were you?

I brought my camera to get a shot of the beautifully executed end-pose of the Delta-Pre Freestyle girls. Except for the part where I completely forgot to watch them skating.

Lined up for finale. Beta-Gamma girls standing in front of Alpha group. Tiniest Beta, maybe 3 feet tall about as big as a flea, turns to the tiniest Alphas, all of whom are taller than she, and says, "are you the tots?"

Tot girl takes off straight into the soloist, who is doing a camel spin. Iron Lotus, tot version.

I'll update as I remember stuff.

We're all in this together

Although my heart belongs to figure skating, most of my paycheck actually belongs to fundraising. I've been a development officer in not-for-profit arts for nearly 30 years, creating robust, sustainable giving programs for several different music organizations.

One of the most basic tenets of fundraising is that you need a diverse program, with something for every type of giver. I have a sign on my wall that states "the right question to the right person in the right words at the right time for the right amount." If you don't get every one of those ducks in a row, you don't get the gift. So-- some people like getting letters. Some people like phone calls. Some people give when they purchase your product (like tickets) and some want to give while they are right there in front of you. Some people like a quid pro quo, and some like parties. You need to have all these options available, or you will miss potential gifts.

A figure skating program is very similar. You need to reach the recreational, the competitors, the social butterflies, the pushy parents, the indifferent parents, all of them. Coaches and parents who disparage parts of the sport or aspects of your program are slicing off their noses with their own blades, because they are losing potential customers to satisfy their egos and hide their own shortcomings.

You think synchro is "bullshit?" (Believe it or not, a common attitude) How about all the moves and dance tests those kids are going to need. Is that bullshit? Is that Nationals-bound ice dance or pairs team "getting in the way" on practice ice? How about all the skaters that team is bringing into the rink, because of parents who want their kids to skate where the program is most successful competitively.

What about that adult skater who thinks she can teach (*cough*me*cough*). She's just scooping up all of "our" students. Except for the part where she passes them on at Freestyle, to the coaches who didn't put her down in public, but just bided their time knowing that she doesn't teach freestyle, but she sure does make kids love skating.

Don't care that the high freestyle classes are empty because "those kids are all buying practice ice anyway." Well, a lot of those kids aren't paying for practice ice, because their moms are monitors, or their coach is sneaking them on when there is no monitor, or it's club ice and you're getting a fixed rate no matter how many kids are skating.

Point is, there is room for everyone. Coaches, don't tell your students not to participate in some aspect of the sport. The more they participate, the better for you. Parents, don't engage in mean spirited gossip; if you see something that bothers you ask the rink or skating school manager to explain it. Managers, don't withhold information that parents, coaches and students need to support you and your program.

Most people learn about skating watching high level competition on TV. And then we just reinforce the idea that there isn't room for you if you aren't destined for that level. A parochial attitude is anathema in fundraising, and will cost you students faster then you can blink.

There's room for everyone here, and everyone benefits when you scootch over and let them in.

Measuring progress

A commenter thinks you can see progress more easily through the level of jumps a skater learns than through the more subtle measure of a clean edge and the control and power required by moves.

I see what she's saying-- the jumps are a clear marker of accomplishment, a big shiny reward. But the thing about the jumps, is if you don't do the subtle work that leads to body awareness and control, the jumps will be inconsistent and even dangerous. How much "progress" is it if the landings are out of control, or the skater keeps falling, or can't get the required rotation.

The most common correction you will hear a skating coach make is "get over your skating side." (Second only to "don't break at the waist.") The "skating side" is the side with the foot in contact with the ice. (The other side is the "free side," so you'll hear coaches tell skaters things like "move your free arm, bend your skating knee, etc.") Without your weight over the skating side you cannot get properly over the correct part of the blade. In jumps it is absolutely critical that you understand, in midair, where your skating side is. Even though nothing is in contact with the ice now, you still have a skating side. The axel is difficult because it is what we call a "change of axis" jump--your skating side or axis changes in midair.

In spins, it's also quite subtle. A lot of spins go wrong because skaters center their weight down their midline, rather than over the spinning blade. Feet are very close together, so it's tricky, but that tiny 2" distance between the blades is what centers a spin instead of it corkscrewing down the ice.

The only way to learn this is to drill it, and the best way to drill it is by practicing edges, turns, and stroking. When I see a skater with smooth, powerful stroking that accelerates down the ice, I know I'm seeing someone who understands jumping. When I see someone whose stroking is full of toe picks, stiff knees, and missed extensions I don't even want to watch them jump-- I already know it's going to be scary.

I like the big jumps too. But I also like effortless footwork. Skaters with big jumps are impressive. Skaters with outstanding footwork are magical.

The light goes on

I made my teen (who just wants to jump) run through PrePre moves today, focusing on upper body control. She put up with it, but with a little whining, "why can't we jump" "can I show you this thing my friend showed me how to do" blah blah whine whine okay okay okay.

So at the end of the lesson, she wanted to do spirals, which fit into the theme of the day-- edges, control, flow. And discovered the she couldn't hold the position. Just kept falling out of it. I asked her if she knew why, and she said "I could feel my shoulders twisting."

Ding ding ding ding ding ding!

I love it when the path opens up in the grey matter.